How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

I really couldn't wait to get out of my own country and actually welcome peninsular as my escape from the reality world. To be away from the hectic schedule, away from people that I spend 24/7 with, to be away entirely from the headache and heartache that has been eating me up slowly for the past 3 years. Yes, finally I could get away and breathe little by little intake of oxygen and just be on HOLS with the fams. Brader couldn't make it with us this trip and that's okay. Actually, missed the flight by ONE freaking day, due to sistah's hiccup and busy schedule. A loss on RM502 just madly and desperately wanting to escape this place, even if it were just for 5 days. The thing is, it will appear that I do not want to continue on this journey of self- discovery because after all, it came to a conclusion that this is not the kind of life that I want to look up to for the rest of my life. "Spark" has been doing most my work load and I am grateful for that. "Deah" couldn't care less on the things that are vital just because I have a shitless attitude at the mo. I mean seriously, Spark has been the person who understands me and has been my mental support, to the extend that he's doing all for me...in order that I do not leave this forsaken company!! I got all teary-eyed just trying to console him while I'm here on vacation with my fams...but at the same time, I just want this nonscensical lifestyle to be OVER!! I mean, how can you as a person try to maintain all your partners to stay on, and yet the workload is unbearable that the GOOD ones want to leave? I'm not saying me for say. I'm saying that the system is getting way on top of one's head that one does not progress the way that she should be progressing! Its' insane to know that every little thing is been recorded and with the freaking variance countable for, makes the anxiety attacks more frequent than ever. It is something that one finally realizes that as one progresses further up in the company, it is no longer praise worthy of, rather the efforts done are all in vain, which includes trying to keep up with the freaking time frame and at the same time to allow another deadline to overcome the mind, which is equal to a person's mental state! This job is for the obsessed, the "Gung-Ho" people and for those who see this as a dead end to life's financial freedom. If a re-shufflement is to be made within this period, I welcome it very much but I will wash my hands clean to move on. The people that comes to mind will leave me at ease and soon, I will start over to the next chapter in life.




FIN..

There would be a day when I will look through the glass panels of the store and will not be able to imagine what they do behind closed doors. It would be the time when the slightlest problem that I will not be able to help any of my friends with. It will be the time when I can only reach the nearest is at that wooden door that separates all baristas from ex- partners. It will be the time when I will not be able to smile from the bar at the customer and say,"How was your day sir/ miss?" or even," I didn't catch your name just now. Are you from around here? How was your flight from your country?" It will be the time when I can finally be THE customer and get response from the baristas that will greet me within the 30 seconds time frame and call out the drinks within 3 minutes. It will be the time when I can finally relax in normal clothes and surf the net endlessly, provided the WIFI is in excellent mode. Then there would be sad and undenialble part where I will feel utterly regret on the deepest side of my heart that I left out of frustration and not satisfation. However, there would be a sense of freedom, a sure peaceful and huge relief that will flow through this aching bones. This patience is wearing me out, as I look forward to it more to get a break and not struggle to keep up with nonsensical trackings, cost saving of labour and products, no more perishable goods nor any more of wasting time on following up with people who have no intention to have a tie-in with you, rather that you would fade out, without any hesitation. It will be time when I can sit down, chillaxs and focus on the important details to why people would love to work in this line and yet complain that it doesn't pay enough. Some to the extend to saying that it's like going back to school, and going through learning again and perhaps is troublesome for them. Learning process is good but to get to the top where you have to impress the people who don't care two hoots to what you're trying to achieve and rather focus more on your faults, then by all means, this means this kind of profession is not for the either one of us. The yearning to just be at the bar, to perfect that handcrafted beverage or even to get that yummy sandwich for only RM11.90 before tax in your tummy is all there is to being a barista. This position to be a barista up to management level and making sure the customers keep their complains to themselves is all that the top bosses care in this line. To deliver the experience and have "measurable" results is utterly hard to swallow and yet, you can get a letter for not performing. "To quit is to be a loser at your own game" as what my friend has said to me and somehow, I answered that perhaps that is what I want to end up as...a person to lose to all the challenges that displays before me because I have had enough of all the ragging, endless nagging, and wanting to save one's ass from getting fried from the upper deck. Perhaps the opportunity lies better in the hands of those who are still loyal to this company. Is it ever different in other parts of the world? That you have to tell me yourself as I have yet to work where you are now. As of now, the whole main idea is to break free from this endless shifts and coming to work even on off days. This nonsensical routine will cease to exist and I will not have to look at another unapproved disgusted look from such person, ever.

So desu ne....JA!!

Tis the season to be Jolly...??


Hah...yah i will be jolly when I can scout for a new job and be done and over with this fantabulous company. There's a need to move on, after all it has been 3 years running and I am nowhere happy with this kind of life any more. Yah, the training benefits of travelling and learning, coaching and being a mentor of my own store...that is not my dream anymore. The longing to settle down, to get a beach house and drive a etty-bitty car is sufficient for me. The yearning to be in the Lime light once and for all with my siblings is all I can ask for. Having the parentals agreeing to it, and even my oldest sister, Nut2 supporting this very reason to leave Starbucks Coffee Malaysia is all I ever wished for.

So this is my new year's resolution: 1) Get an office job...office hours that is..hehe. 2) Get a night job as a contract singer. 3) Spending time and getting more close-nitted with my family & relatives. 4) To go for those random weddings and perhaps sadly to get a soul mate some where in that function. 5) To have all the time to myself, catching up on learning Japanese, art crafts, scrapbooking, etc.

Nut2 said the fams is praying that I end up with some Auzzie fellow, and although I am hoping for any guy to appear, I have decided that it perhaps is not my fate to be in a realtionship during this point of time. Why you might ask? First and foremost, I do not want to end up love-dovey and be floating on cloud 9 and get hurt again. Hahha...yah fear tends to creep up my skin everytime I allow myself to be lead on. The other part is, I do not look forward to hurting the person either, which in the end will make me have anxiety attacks and be more frustrated with such a person, and also disappointing myself in the end.

Back to my "wanting" to move on....

And so, im tired to try to make it in this company. It has been 3 years, 1 month and 8 days have I been trying to keep my cool in this line. So lets break it down...I want O-U-T!!!

Introducing to you my latest addiction thanks to one of my partners at Starbucks Coffee; One Borneo 1. This here on the right is a game/ application that you can waste your time on. Basically if you don't fancy fishes as REAL pets, you can settle for an online pet with the Happy Aquarium game only on www.facebook.com. As you can see there, all the sea animals that mostly would survive in salt water can also be displayed in such an aquarium like this one. In this application, in order for one to go up a level, one needs to clean tanks (of friends) and collect (or more like steal) friend's treasure chest in order for one to purchase all kinds of things from the store; such as the props, seaweed decos, fish food (most, most importante), and if yer lucky, to save the unfortunate turtle or squid from being a sliced from the sushi chef. However, one is unable to adopt the turtle or squid that one has save from being a human's meal, so all one has to do is go into friends' profile to adopt such pet/s. Now, normally you will get GOLD coins when taking from friends' treasure chest, but one is also able to get hands on PEARLS which enables the one to purchase even more exclusive crops, props, seaweed decos, wallpaper, and also the one recently introduced in the application is the Seahorse, a Mermaid, and a Hamster with Snorkels. It is an A++ application where you can ease yer mind after a tired days work or rather just to aim for Level 32 and get that Oyster which opens and shuts the valuable pearls inside the mouth. It is really an exciting game, even you would let the lil' kiddies to play it all day long. I will keep you posted on how far I can go in this application. The ones that I browsed through on YouTube, people have gone as far as Level 103 with this game and also with cheats or rather, TIPS on getting more coins and increasing levels within minutes. I'm on level 24 now and have been playing this game for 4 weeks now. Hehehe..no I'm not as fanatic as my other friend, as she's online 24/7 just to take care of her fishies, hence the word comes out again...ADDICTION!! That's all for now....Stay tuned.


Ja Mata Ne, Tomodachi ne! (^^,)

This is what you call ole skul travelling...hoho. The classic one, where you can feel in the wind in you hair, sun on yer skin and also the rain on yer feet. Not many places in Malaysia use this means of transportation as it meant more for sight seeing in slow mode. Mostly the average kind of person would still use this as his/her means of survival. I would enjoy this kind of good contraption as a easy lifestyle and would use it to bring my fellow friends if the fancy car broke down some where in town. Desert my fancy car for this contraption?? Hehehe...perhaps I would. Took this picture in Penang, at Batu Feringgi where the folks still use this till today. And may they still use it for many more years to come. A nice contraption...deah deah Rickshaw

Mostly when people do their blogging,
usually it would be done somewhere you would
feel the utmost comfort ever.
Some would pick that crappy chair at work,
others would perfer to sit
on that musty smelly
green ole sofa chair you
can find at yer favourite coffee cafe.
For example, where would you
find a More Chips, Chips More cookie
in a Starbucks outlet like this one?
Haha...you gotta buy yer own
cookie of course, you dimwit.
*Giggles* you fell for that, eh?
This oversize, close up picture
of a cookie can look pretty good fer
my friend here, Lan.
We were just hanging out, ya know,
surfing the net, mostly going on FB and
checking what people have to say
about their daily worries, or
even bufdays.

The picture here on the left is the HomeMade Bread
that Mum and I
did at home. Yummy!!! I love the top, that everyone in my family..
practically fights for
because its the best part.
Soft, crunchy,
and is best spread over with butter with peanut butter.
Uhhh...heaven is what I taste!

The goodness of having such a machine at home is when punching the timer for
the bread to bake in the middle of the
night, and when you dream,
it's like floating on the a cloud
smelling the heavenly aroma of the
bread baking downstairs.
Then in the morning,
with deep satisfaction, having Mum slicing the bread
for the whole family to
eat.
Ahhhh....a deep relief
on having not to spend on the loaf of bread
you buy at yer local supermarket.
Swell, aromatic smell of coffee, plus butter
fresh from the fridge, and
spreading it on every inch of that slice of bread.
Mum's know best...on how to make
yer day.
Really...get your own bread maker TODAY!!


*wink*wink* SUGOI!!!

There are many things that I want to say and do. Sometimes I can't find the time to justify myself when others are hovering over me, or either smothering me with petty cries and laughter. It is true that I do zone out to the detail stuff but even the simplest information mentioned to me, I actually realise at the last minute that I block out all that stuff too. Never meant to do all that, but its these tired eyes, mind and heart that start to go weary. The soles on the side of my left foot is dry, perhaps from callus (ewww...) and to make it more attractive, I have added suave pink to my toenails..all 10 of me toes. Looks good, since I've been growing my toenails long. I find myself forgiving my heart, mind and soul when I hugged my deah friend, Tita as we had a row just a few days ago. Stupid quarrel spat that could have been settled in a matter of minutes, but ended up being torn off for that few days that seemed like eternity to me...and her. Perhaps this time, with my friend, we realise the things we did to others that really hurt to the bone like Billy-O and when I saw her today, and simply asked her "Merjuk kah masih??"...it all fell into place, as if we were saying, "I'm sorry, deah friend. Will you ever forgive me for hurting you bad?" We embraced and tightly held eachother as if the world was falling from all sides. We cried and laughed about it, and it was all okay. Whether it ended up to be her fault or mine, the whole of me was utterly guilty and was distraught the last few days when we had the nonsensical arguement. *Sigh* Never again do I want to feel that shitty with anyone...for a while, that is.

So if all the times you see my toes, painted in suave pink...you'll know that I've gone all soft hearted with life... so desu ne`

Do you know the main reason why people blog alot these days?
I mean the main reason...do you know?
Mostly bout their lives,
from their football matches,
their boyfriends and their girlfriends' boyfriends,
to adverts and commercials,
to funny jokes and also to the extend of dirty ones too,
mostly also about their "Dear Diary"
Some even have " Dear Number 8 Ball",
then there's the one bout their failed realationships,
to the ones that actually work out (or made out sessions),
some even talk to the skankiest things,
there's also the one that I came across on
how to write out a blog in a different language..
meaning like all those funny sounds and snorts even,
then there are the ones that are
encrypted with secrets,
codes and such,
so do you know what you actually look for
when blogging bout things,
or rather; steal ideas from other bloggers
just to add depth to your fantabulous phrase of the day??

*SIGH*

The whole idea of it all..
the whole point of blogging
is to Express yourself,
to Justify oneself,
to let it all out with words,
to Stress on the painful events,
to Scream and weep at the same time just
reading about the love one that
did not make it in this world.
Blogging allows oneself to say the
words that can never be said
to him.
To announce about
the birth of that lovely child,
that was in the womb for the whole 9 months,
on how the baby shower went.
Sharing pictures and visuals
of travels and those
heavenly beaches,
babes and to get soaked in the sun.

Those are the kind of things,
perhaps that people nowadays
"would"
blog about, and so
blogging bout blogging
can end up like a circle that doesn't end.
It goes round..
and will never come to a stop.

SO
Happy Blogging Ya'aLL.

Special thanks to those
people with great minds
in having the "Umph!"
in blogstering,
mostly...on the life we lead.

You RAWK!!
((you may now give yerself a pat on the back for good reading on this short read))


KotoHuadan TagaZo...BiG THANKS!!

The sky was as blue as the ocean. Waves splashing on the beach. It was a lovely evening. Too good to be a dream. Yes, the dream that played repeatedly in my mind. The day was 25th February, a day of confusion, mixed emotions, and pure happiness. Of all the things that I felt that day, it was all that was, a moment to remember. And yet, each time to be looking at him, to smell his scent, was unbearable to the point that I went speechless. Talking of things that were out of the blue, words that were trying to reach the heart, and I, ended up confunded as I could not read his actions, nor his mind or his heart.
This is "HE", the one that smiles so, that is as warm as a hug on a cold winter's day. One can get carried away with the things and just float on fluffy cloud. Taken at Sutera Habour, there we were just admiring the breath-taking view of the ocean. There were alot of tourists there...but the sounds from his breathing in the air, talking away, and humming a tune were as peaceful to the waves that was splashing on the rocks. I mish him already.
I finally touchdown at Penang for the first time in 24 years. It is a great place to getaway, a place to relax yer mind. There were a number of nice tourists spots that were uncovered by my friend there, and also by mah deah. Although with the limited time there, and that he has moved on, it was a pleasant feel to the trip with him. He brought me to the Kuan Yin Temple and showed me the Pagoda Buidling. Then also after that, we went to Bukit Bendera at Penang Hill, where we took a cable car up with loads of people visiting that day. It was our first time, and also for him. He enjoyed it. Funny though, after his work partner passed on, he picked up the habit of decorating the lungs. Pity though. I always knew him to be a non-smoker. He's more observant and would not show signs of wanting to be more than comfortable. The many times that I wanted to hold his hand, but I did not. Seems the whole ordeal was abit akward for him, as it was not for me. So we just casually sat close to each other, laughed bout the old times, chatted about what is to come for the same company that we worked in. It was pure innocence and yet, all I wanted to do was hold him once more. Till the end, he was still a gentleman, treating me like the way it was in the year 2007. I close my eyes up till today, just for a few minutes, to reminse on those precious moments, of him being "ERIC"...my friend, my heart.




I heart thee......

Here in Penang (Pulau Pinang) for the first time in mah life. Away from home from the 12-16th October 2009, with so much expectations, tensions, laughter, planting, kick in the mud, rained on, anxieties, scenery, heritage sighting, anticipation, christmas tree making, buffet with lots of cornflakes, scramble eggs, GOoOooOOod coffee, decorating of the lungs, initiating conversations with people (tried with snotty ones: challenging), surfing the net, visitation of stores at Gurney tower, Juro Auto city and hopefully some stores today. The insert on the right is the view from where I stayed with my Starbucks Coffee partners, at Sri Sayang Apartments, Batu Fringgi. This view was taken from the 24th floor, and it is absolutely breath-taking. Right now, everyone's online surfing, everyone as in Kay, Mel, Moy, Gurie, Dee (perviously from KK district), and myself. The only one missing is Ron who had to rush down to Kuala Lumpur to be with his wife and only daughter. His daughter just recovered from an operation, something to do with their little girl's lung/ heart. Pity the sweetheart, as she is only 8 months this October, but a REAL fighter.
I went Penang sighting for old buildings that were done in the 1920s, creepy old house that used to be a maternity house and the rest of that story goes on (still gives me the shivers). Also got to see the "Leaning Clock Tower" situated in the old town area. My good friend, Rudy showed me around Penang Island, and told me that the 5 years he's been staying here, he has seen alot of changes that even the locals don't realise. Expats (although I have nothing against them staying in Malaysia) have been buying up the old buildings and have moved in. However, the way they have furnished the place has not lived up to the heritage, and has more of a modern look. Now, how would I know all these if it weren't for him. He has created more insight that it was too bad that I had woken up way too early that day, and was soon biting my lip to stay awake. Sorry dude! Mean of me...hehe. But we managed to cover most of the great look-out spots, that even your tour guide wouldn't bring ya to. From the low land to top of the hill we went. Sceptical about hawker stalls?? Well, to be honest those stalls are the best tasting dishes that you can try from Penang..the real taste of Hokkien Mee, Penang Laksa and others (me stomach's growling at the thought of those dishes I tried...huhuhu), blended Grape drinks (weird huh?)..all these apart from the daily Nasi Kandar, the dishes that is with all mixed food, veges, and everything; these you can get at the Mamak stalls in Penang.
Also visited the Kuan Yin Temple and Pagoda Temple...LONG CLIMB...Giler! Went to the Penang Hilltop, at Bukit Bendera...famous for the many weddings held there (thru reliable source), and you got to take a slow train/ cable car up to about 700++ meters high. Nice view, seems like as how Eric mentioned it like "Cameron Highlands". To me, it was just like on a hill...SUGOI!! After all that hiking and sitting, plus more time for oxygen breaks, we headed to Gurney Plaza to grab some food to bite at PizzaMania. Seems too good to be true, as there are still some sane gentlemen just like Eric himself, and it was sweet like chocolate..haha. Then up till the late evening, he sent me back to Sri Sayang Apartments, at Batu Fringgi. Nope, not what you thought "would" happen, sadly did not happen. So enough said. I guess, he had grown out of it and has moved on, but I couldn't bear to think that it "was" the end, and yes, I gave him a hug and that was it. All that was running through my head was Damien Rice's Song ~ The Blower's Daughter.So after that, the KK team went to a nearby restaurant (Geee...I forgot the name..haha) and handed out 5B's & MUG Awards recognition by Boss there. We did a little shopping at the bargain shops near the roadside, and headed back to the Wooden Pub, next to the restaurant, to have our beer. Moy and myself were utterly bored that we wrote down our initials with marker pens at the toilet area, and went to have a look at the different money currency posted on the wall, with different writings from people who visited that pub. The pub is situated very near to the road, actually by the roadside, and not that near to the ocean...only by view rather.

Hmmm...will definately come to Penang for a REAL holiday, and also visit Langkawi...woOoOooHooOoooo....save and travel...can't wait!!

Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

The things people do these days just to get things in order, organised, and to achieve the fullest potential that they can go, is prolly the hardest thing a human being can do. Why?? It is because they have to constantly motivate themselves if not from others but by themselves in order to reach the specific results needed. Today I have shamed myself infront of my peers, my management, my friends and mostly, infront of my DM. I have not allowed myself to regain the strength needed to show that I am capable of maintaining the store's ambiance, instead, I decided to give up and not pull through. Was I giving it up, just so that I did not have to tackle any challenge that comes my way?? Was it the best solution to say that I am vunerable and let my partners see that I am not well knowledegable?? I do not care less that the other people that I used to know have taken a sore feeling towards me because even if every month I do need their help, the same advantage has been taken against me. So I would call that fair and square. By far, I am also trying to survive in this bloody business, to save my team's ass before theirs and to know that my team may have their flaws but does not mean they cannot reach to the top. I know I have not set any directions for my team, and that is why I can't say much at this point of time. Yes, the lack of communication is really to the point where one would feel helpless and at the same time too proud to ask for help. Blah blah blah, star skills and such, it all boils down to how the team is not at all communicating at the same sound wave. Its true. The leader has yet to learn all the skills and have the knowledge capacity to teach the unfortunate to develop such skills in order not to be left behind. The fact that the guidance from way before has not been an A+ coaching as it was more of a rush-rush process resulting in not held by the hand, rather left for the kill. Left stranded and the initiative done was more on a trial and error basis. FIN (-.-)

Do i regret ever climbing my way up in this business so damn fast that I fall even deeper into a pile of depression?? I cannot answer that now. Its very challenging to get to this part and have countless complains going in and out of the ears till you're practically bleeding from all holes. I will be officially run down, scrambled and roasted till a burnt smell stenches the whole place. Motivation?? HAH!! Feel less and less motivated to work in this line...its like I hate dancing already! SheeshKebab!! Never satisfied as we can never get what we want and in the end the complains go on and on and on...fer days! Perfection was never in my vocab, I do not see it in any of the people I know. Really, there are flaws sticking out like a sore thumb and yet still go around proclaiming how great one can be...GAWSH!! Remember reading my last few jotters about wanting to break free...blah blah blah...NO seriously! I had enough! I just want O-U-T!! If I am unfit for the freaking job, sue me. I am up to here...no here...wait! To the top of my head with the endless trackings! SHITONME...Im Freaking exhausted to do all this. Cut down on the costs, reduce wastage, more input in this, that...ARGHHHHH!!! I am tired, so is every single partner in my own bloody store. I don't want the store, I can hand it back, I am sacrificing every energy I have in this frumpy body of mine to keep up with the stoopid demands! And to deal with the slumber ones, the no show no call, annoying little bugger with endless questions with 101 "I don't know" antics...its TOTALLY INSANE!! I am dealing with a rowdy crowd here. No, I do not expect you to care...really, I don't. So even if tomorrow is going to be DOOMS day, I will not give up in thriving and getting somewhere...even if it takes me like snail mode but there is a positivity glowing somewhere it stings my skin. Yes, I am a bit mad and if my team can get a little crazy at all possible seconds, then I know I am not alone. SUGOI!!

It tasted very bland, not a hint of sweetness was detected. And yet I come here to get a sense of peace for the mind, just to chillax and unwind. I don't expect this place to be my hide out nor a place to spy on the compeditor. I learn on how my store can improve on learning the hiccups that happen else where. No, observing what is laid out in the next sister store will not really help you out. Its more like you have been observed to spy on the other, which is not productive for me, cause in the end, bad mouthing the other is bad for business. So I come here either with friends or not, just to observe the music ambiance, the culture, and also the comfort. Although they could use a new set of sofas and more power points for laptops, because seriously, an opportunity for them. Sadly, I will not point that out to the staff here, because in the end I'm just encouraging more business input for them. So I am just gonna sit here and not tell a single soul on my intentions. I have decided to stay on with my desire that I prayed to God to grant me and bless me with, and hopefully not to disappoint him. A whole lot of people that I've not been attending to, nor have I taken heed on their pleas. I've not been a good listener these days. Gomene tomodachi *sniffles* The thing that has been bothering me for the past three months (and more months to come) is that there is always that particular barrier that separates me from them. The young kids to bring up, the scandalous antics done, the uncanny drugs that pulls everyone together and keeps silent when you're up close, it agitates me so. I really dislike the freaking feeling but I do not want to point that out. The whole disadvantage of being too nice is that you'll be taken for granted. Like seriously, its a pain in the jabroni!! Fortunately, I do not bother myself with that, though it hurts like billy-O to be left out on the topic. The eyes of not wanting one to stay, rather go do something a freshman would do...to act "DUH!" and to not ask too many questions. That is soOo uncalled for! *Sigh* Why do I even care about this petty things? Its because at the end of everything, there is that particular LOOK on that face that says,"Get it right already! I'm tired to cover your stupid mistakes just so that you could get a better look on yer two feet!" Sorry, I am not the kind of person to get it right immediately. Yeah, I tend to slack but doesn't mean I'm not going through the process of my learning development. So much expectations weight on my shoulders, mentally draining me out, feels like I just want to give up. Then again, I've gotten this far just to throw it all away? Half-heartedly, I am intending to stay a wee lil' longer, just to get to where I want to be. It's gonna be a long winding road, but by GEORGE! I'll get there somehow..one day at a time.

I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.

The need to wake up in the morning where no noise can harm me. A place of serenity and peace. Do i wish that no familiar voice to disturb me with a "hush" or even, "wake up! lunch is served!" kind of sound? Weary are the tired eyes to the back of my aching head, the restless body mangle walking around like a lifeless body. Running here and there, driving aimlessly and nearly meeting with an accident. Thoughts of unsettled things to perform is eating me up slowly. I am wasting my days slowly, tired of useless words that shouldn't haven't been asked or even mentioned. I am losing my hearing of what lays important, and yet i show no concern at all. Wasted, effortlessly wandering around. Taking it all in as if there was nothing to grasp on to. The motivation to achieve one's goal, is twisted. My eyes get blurry now, like a film covering the lens. Shutting my eyes, hurt so much that I can barely stay awake. Just want to feel the weight on my eyes and typing down what is left in this membrane. He looks tired of staring at my face for days. She wants to follow her parents wishes but dares not think of leaving the place where she calls her "alone" time with herself apart from personal contact. I don't wish to take any action on what is to come, i rather it swallow me whole. To eat me in one big gulp and let me rest peacefully. Chotto matte...let my eyes rest for abit. My mind is racing, telling me to rest, just awhile, a little bit more. Then a message pops...I find myself responding to it, and even now I can't seem to focus very well. Pulling the black soft hood over my face, to hide from disgrace that arises every now and then. Waiting in vain to what may not happen or to what has been done. And i don't want to bother with petty things. I want to fall further, deeper, closer to nothingness...even if i were to end up in a complex pile of sand. I'm not worried, im restless. What I am to you is not what I need. Dragging my feet to walk a mile more to a destination, to keep silent with my head lower to the ground. To keep behind the covers, and cry there. For awhile and never look what is taking place downstairs. Place the pillows over my ears to block out the sound, to keep the glaring light from entering in. Serentiy has slowly sprinkled over my head...peacefully I shut my eyes...saying,"Oyasumi Baka San!"

a happy feeling to know that all things such as being able to get a response from your partners that they know they're doing good for the environment * a mixed up feeling when a relationship of a friendship can be mistaken for a thing called Lurve * an upset feeling to know that perhaps being in this position can have its many disadvantages and also uncannyly, its advantages * a sad feeling that one has to experience that life may not go according to plan, or have somewhat gone off track * a overwhelming feeling to have when you have all sorts of different personalities and none are to your expectations *

Bugging the very back of mind when things explained halfway and also the most that has been pricking is when things mentioned are always done round-the-bush...it agitates me so. I want to know that these games played out are just games for pleasure, not for the seriousness of a being. I want the real things that a person can feel is the things that keeps you sane, even if the heart keeps pounding like crazy when you're next to the one you care for, very much. I want to a person of value, a person who may be an egoist but maintains all his ground rules firm and not look back on it. I want a job on the coast of nice sandy beaches, and dance in a tutu when the sun sets. *Sigh* what a life to be dreaming of.
That is all that is in my membrane right now...Oyasumi nasai, Tomodachi (^^,)

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

But I, can't shake this feeling off

Can't shake this dead weight off of myback

It's a troubled place we stay

But we just play it out

You give too much away

Leaves you cold, oh...

Got no place else to go

In a daze, just hanging around

It's a dirt ground we crawl upon

I've stared at your face for much toolong

It's a troubled place we stay

Where we just wait it out

Watch us give too much away

Leaves you cold, ohh

Cold, ohhh

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

It's a troubled game we stage

Where we just play it out

Watch us give too much away

And we just wait it out

And the words you meant to say

And the words I gave away

Leaves you cold, ohhh

Cold, ohhh

Gemma Hayes ~ Hanging Around

Imagine this.
You find yourself, lost in a field of grass.
High enough, so as unable to foresee where you're headed.
Making turns, ending up going in circles.
Fear becomes you when you start to go weary.
Then it hits you hard that there is no chance to get out of this mess.
Stumbling on something, and you look at the ground.
Behold, a large curved knife before you.
Your instincts tell you to leave it and go on being lost.
Hesitant enough, picked up that curved knife.
Cutting the high grass, like sliced cake.
Easy peasy as ever.
Sweat flowing down your face,
As if in search of something out of this obstacle.
After going about half a mile out,
there appears to be something white in a distance of all that greenery.
You race to the bright glare.
And as you approach closer, there you find something so pure.
A gleaming with its delicate glow..
White and fluffy,
A baby bunny...clear as day.
A memory you would not like to forget
...ever.

The image appears continously in my mind.

The lines that come across once face, sullen, tight-lipped, notable sadness.

Traces of anger can be felt even behind the smudgy glass panes.

Weak in the mind to even face such an image.

To think that the amount of trust that one has place in another,

Can be mistaken for a betrayal.

That was not intended at all.

A different approach did not work.

Either the good nor negative way.

Lost in confusion with the amount of frustration that builds up by the minute.

The loneliness one has to endure.

Pressure fills the soul.

Heavy is the heart to the know that the other is..

Very bitter.

Could it be the recent incidents that took place?

Or that one was simply hearing out another friend in distress?

It would be sweet pleasure to see him smile again.

Even if it were for a second.

To be lucky if it were the whole day.

Sighing on the things that should have been done.

But unfortunately was not given a chance.

Leaving in silence.

Walking away to a better view.

Slipping away,

Just to stay out of trouble.

Lost in the end.

From a silly disagreement.

The colours of belief.

Drained out to nothingness.

Tough on the outside.

Frail to own up.

Mixed up with what cannot be fixed.

A note for forgiveness.

Thrown out like a paper plane,

gliding out the window.

Without a care in the world.

Percious time is gone.

Gone,

Going...

Gone.............*

Gomene tomodachi...so desu ne.

The more a secret is hidden, the more suffering one has to bear. I have experienced it all at once today. I even opened up to him, which is very rare...or you can say...almost never. Somehow today, perhaps even without twitching, I said what I had to say, without thinking twice. And it felt good to let it all out...almost everything that was bothering me for the past two months or so. The support and the criticisim that one has to endure, the tight-lip that one has to sustain in order for the stupid tears not to flow from one's face. Ahh...the sense of relief, to let it all out today. Good motivation for that 4-5 hours, and even when the tiredness showed on his face, a sense of willingness allowed to appear naturally. Oh thank you for being such a caring mentor..."Arigato gozaimasu ne!" I don't know what's come over me. The lack of knowledge and the courage that I need to pursue to get "there" does seem like a long run...tired will I be halfway, to catch up with the rest of the pro(s). Its like a saying comes to mind, survive the worst in the beginning, then it'll come as easy as a pie in the end. Hmm...you'll be wondering,"Is that even a saying? Where have I heard it?"



FIN ("o)

Imagine a world full of laterns! How bright the colours, the way people aren't at all distracted by it. A bucket of yer favourite beer, the cooling liquid flowing in to your pipes, the sound of bashing fried noodles at the kitchen...what more can you ask for? The whole reason to start of with these simple yet inviting words of, "Hey! Come on! Lets have a Beer!" is simply not to make you become an alcoholic or any reason you may think of. Rather, a sense of what you might do when being in a relaxed place, and just think of how you and your friends can finish off 3 buckets in one go. Hmm...I just jotting down what I imagine my friends and I would be doing at 4:00 in the afternoon. Well, at least on one particular friend. I finally admitted that I did not know the whole of that person in one sentence. Am I that mean? I do not know how to please the heart...is it by stroking it till it softens? Or do I have to check on it once in a while? However, I do not get the same response from the other, in the end just a note saying, "I'm ALL good! Thanks!" Geeweez, do I have to shout it from the mountain tops to make the person forgive me? Or do I have to beg for forgiveness in public? Either way, he will not forgive me..not now anyways. I know. A text msg won't be any use..nor would a phone call.. Sadness!

I don't want to get involve on the outside of people's lives. If I get invited in, then I may have to excuse myself and show myself out the door. I'm tired to know that I will always have to be in the middle of a crappy situation and in the end, I get blame for it. Its so STUPID! I didn't even ask for it...and I get all this crap for standing up for people and what's worst, to stand up for their nonsensical anthics....its MADNESS! Lunatics to even get me involve...sick and sad! Man! I sound so much like "maulit" now! BAKA!

Apologies on the outburst such as above, as I am in no state to even speak of the matter further. Yes, this is rather on code-ing now. I will put my mind at rest, as soon as my head hits the pillow...and to dream of that bright laterns once again... Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! JA!!

Do you see that picture? The one that can easily be taken at arms length. Do you see the smile that I bear? The one that deceives a friend from knowing what I really feel. Does the mixed emotion show upon my face? Can you tell if at that moment this candid shot was taken before the happy moments? Or prolly the worst ones? Its hard to tell. Even after looking at how vain a person can be, maybe I was happy for a minute or two. Does the anxiety show through my eyes? Or am I really blind sometimes? This was taken at my ex-store, the place of good times and somehow the past haunts me again, the moment I step into that very place. Funny how that turned out...that perhaps, taking a self candid shot was the only time I could be myself and express the true feelings flowing out through my veins. A smile turning into a smirk. A wink turning into a blink. After all the days, passing by like a flowing stream, it would be impossible to hold back the fears, passion, and the faith that is buried deep, deep down, somewhere in this little heart. Pathetic, yet convincing enough. So desu ne~ Ja mata ne! (-.-)"

• Pizza topping of pepperoni and loads of cheesy flavour.
• Vodka Iced with lemon sinking to the bottom of the glass.
• My moley moley Moleskine is a working progress and I scout for new designs when I can on the web.
• An Island that provides the utmost relaxing day (or even night *wink*wink*)
  
• No strings attached, not too keen on short term lurve either.
• Tired eyes, Brain fried but still manages to get up at six in the morning on most days.
• Priorities gone hair-wired, buffering alot these days.
  
• Furst time in 3 years, the toilet bowl at de' Ex-Store has totally been smashed by some giant piggy.
• Missed the eclipse last 22nd July 2009 at 8:48am...((DARN IT!!))
• Laptop on ze' next list of things to get...URGENT! (mostly cause me staff is prolly sick that I keep using theirs)
  
• Maulit's phone RAWKS!! It's a sony ericsson that costs around 1k *sniffles* with WIFI.
• Surprisingly, eating at the Asian Delight restaurant at Kota Kinabalu International Airport was pretty good.
• Famish as hell...gonna have Nasi Lemak with Fried Chicken. "GRrowL", says me stomach.
• A dead duck with so many things to do for the next month
• Might be half bald when the year is over... huhuhuhu...
• Needs a good pampering any where
• Getting a massage sounds SaWeet but then I might end up punching the person instead because of the pain
• A different kind of massage is ALWAYS welcomed *EviL Grin*
  
• Crusing in a Vespa is kinda cool, what's more if one was in Europe.
• Happier if things were as innocent as before, no lies, no worries, just Happy days.
• The more you see odd mugs on the top of La Marzocco, you'd know there are some faithful peeps dropping every once in awhile.
• Loving my Banana Republic Jacket, as it has thick layers and perhaps too comfy, my eyes are shutting to sleep.
• Checking out the CIOs when drinking at JUGS, Sutera Habour
• Commeting on skimpy clothes or weird clothing people wear when they're out clubbing.
• Wishing I can have a crop hairstyle...need to lose the fats..
• Mishing him...all over again...and he finally congratulated me on my promotion..AWwWww.
• Going to see him in October, oh calm the nerves now.
• Hopelessly devoted to him....up to now... I don't know why. Perhaps hoping something might turn out to be what I really want in Life.
• In a dilemma on whether it's the right thing to do...only one friend agrees with me that anyone should be given a chance to have a change in behaviour or rather reinforced one's goal to success.
• Violin lessons?? or Japanese Courses??
• Vacation Intentions: Phuket, Bali, Japan, New Zealand, Langkawi??? Yes PLEASE!
• Anime I mish watching for chillaxing purposes.
  
• Tattoo for pleasure or pain....nice to see, hell to pay in the next life
• Superstar Brown Leather Adidas Shoes: RM198 on promotion, till when? Uncertain.
• Line dancing is a fun way to get some exercise..
• Rapunzel-like hair....COMING SOON!
• Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi.... (-o-) ZzZzZzzzz...........*
  

If everything was simple enough to follow, if everyone had the most similiar thoughts running through their heads, and if everyone could look at each other the same way...wouldn't it be the sweetest thing ever...the smell of precious victory. If everything wasn't about the money, if everyone had the same kind of thinking that perhaps the good things that you did was the most achievable thing you ever did....wouldn't it be the most couragest thing anyone has ever done. I can't seem to understand half of what the people have to say...its like they talking in tongues...or perhaps mumbling to oneself about their lives...sadly speaking in codes that maybe only their soul mates can understand them. I can't help them as I myself am helpless in times of doubt.
Marshmellow noticed that the inner child in me is almost gone. That was perhaps the one thing I fail to realise... and in that moment I end up lost of words. Because I am evolving into a person I hardly even know and it hits me hard when she mentioned that to me. I just felt like I wanted to cry and perhaps I would feel awfully better. The strides taken to walk a little more further than a person usually does, becomes so far that I couldn't catch up...I was falling behind. I had lost sight of my friend who needed me the most, and I failed to catch up. Too caught up in my own dreary life, I fail to respond to the needs of others. Then again, life is complicated...yours and mine. We're in this big ferris wheel that keeps going round and round, only stopping for someone who wants to get on, or perhaps tired of life, jumping out, without any fear where he/she would land. But you and I, we decide to stay even if the ride becomes slow and we see the same scenery everyday. It becomes us, the ride becomes us...and we in turn; become vunerable. Looking at the ride as a waste of time, but yet it pays the bills. Not a mind reader, I can only take in little by little of what you feel. So please don't mention that there is something you'd like to talk about and just leave me stranded in the rain, I am only person, a friend you can try to count on...not a toy descarded on the shelf, with a torn shirt and cotton sticking out from places. I am frail to the point that there wasn't anyone to talk to, not a person who I could release my own ideas or dreams to. Those people have gone further than I've been. I can see them like a small image in a clear distance. Do I approach them at this point of time? No, instead I run the other direction, uncertain what I want to say...then, end up in a fallen pit, unable to get out. I so stranded at where I am, I believe to be waiting for time to pass by ever so quickly...nobody to count on, nobody to believe in, to hold my hand. They have gone their separate ways...It saddens me.

Days when you feel like a flightless bird is when no one pays attention to what you have to say or rather the other way around. You block out the sound and all that is polluting your brain. Your tired eyes droops down slowly, causing you to rub your eyes countless times, just to get the irritation away...to give you clear vision of what you want to see, in the dark.
I've been going back and forth to my ex store, perhaps just to gain some peace and quiet...rather to feel the wrath that haunts me every time I step into the store. Sure, sure, this place gives me the good and awful times that repeatedly plays in my mind, but the fact still remains...I can't let go of some past that I hope to the Good Lord would let my mind at rest. Meeting up with good friends have been a juggling act. Can't please everyone, and yet I feel as though I have sort of abandon some buddies along the way. I did not come to think of the problems that others are facing are the same ones that I had to go through previously and it gives me a heart ache that I can't only give them the surface of things that may come and in hope that they'll prepare themselves for the worst...but in good time...the better. The thought of resigning from decorating the lungs seems like an impossible act and yet, my peers seem not to judge me, well...not totally upfront of course. Heavens help me it this is what my heart desires, a life time of partners not performing well, or the other lot that thinks better of themselves in order to case down disapproving looks on fellow peers. Am I talking bout my own life time? No, not entirely because everyone has gone through the roughest and narrow path that they ever stumbled on, its amazing that some managed to swim through a load of jaws that seize the seas. Rubbish you say that I jotting down or a an encrypted word that probably needs some bright scientist to solve...it's just plain simple words that define the world today....or the freaking society. MAN! I have gone outta line...I do not mean to offend anyone...really that wasn't my intention.

The difference with this past life and now is that you'll never know when it's gonna end...in other words, you don't want it to end as it makes you feel every feeling all at once...talking bout anxieties, happiness, fear, hopefulness, carefree, and perhaps a little bit lonely too. I'm looking forward to things that may be a REAL obstacle my way and at other times, easy peasy...as pie. You have people coming in and out of your life as if there was a Formula 1 race going round and round the race track, and then, at the end of the race, the cars just drive home to victory...people move on and get married, have kids, grow old and live on. Unfortunately not all end up that way. Some are still lingering on, wishing that a few years would have done him/her good. Late nights, watching men pance around in short, skimpy dresses and you thought you could bet your good buddy to give'em a kish for just RM10, or maybe more RM20.55, for an extra tip. Darn tired but it was really fun to just watch them strut their stuff...haha, what a laugh. Then you have you're friends with different personalities, amazing your daily life and making it exiciting...even by commenting on John's NY2 Beef Lasagna: Lacking of fresh tender minced-meat, more layers of pasta, lack of tomato puri, and last but not least...MORE CHEESE!! Hehehe...
Having a whole mountainful of washing to finish, pending stuff to do, what is a "day off" again? I remember it means something...like relaxing in bed, being a potato couch, watching the tube and just taking an extra loOoOog bath....uhhhh!! That is one KICK ARSE off day....and now.....those days are gone....huhuhuhu...*
There are days when you want to be swallowed whole (no, not that pathetic movie; Drag Me To Hell...thumbs down to that) and just hide, and sleep forevermore. But when you get the rhythm to move to Black Eye Peas new song; I Got A Feeling...that's when you just hang loose and move to beat...it's like a Brand New Day...WooHoo...*
Then there's that HUGE amount of Ice Cream, topped with almonds and Hersey's Chocolate...UHhhh....YUMMY!! (^^,)
I'm turning fluffy by the day and it's not funny...huhuhuhu...oh well....guess it's back to line dancing...yippee!!

Driving at 80km per hour can have it's slow moments. One minute, to think you're driving fast then the next thing you have gone past the 120mark. Crazy enough to think listening to some random music from the past can make you slow down time. Then looking to your right, a man unable to hold his eagerness to pick at his nose. On your left, a lady breaking at anything that flies down from the trees (yes, even a leaf falling). If only they could wake up from their own world and realize that the world is watching them, with amazement. Flying would not be such a problem if everyone could have their own jet planes. An even better idea, cars that could turn into hovercrafts..perhaps.
I chatted with a friend today, he runs a fitness gym. Only today did he came up with thought that has been bugging him for the past few weeks. A person said to him,"Go get a vacation and stress it all out". Unable to figure out this weird saying, he went ahead with short trip for 3 days at a nearby duty-free island. Nothing much to see, just part of the beach owned by a resort where people are able to get sun baked in the nude. The other resort, a place to gain serenity and calmness. The whole time, he and a good friend of his had a choice of RM2.50 for a bottle of mineral water or RM1.00 for a can of beer. So two days in a row, drinking with a hangover the next day and driving aimlessly in a rented car, actually gave my friend to "stress it all out". The 3rd day was to catch the next bus and go in for next graveyard shift with a lil' hangover.
All I'm saying is that at this current state that I am in...that includes everyone that has gotten a new promotion or a new car can get you excited for that moment and the anxiety will hit when the process of forking out that wad of bills to pay (this includes the stress that comes with the promotion). The nervous breakdown I had to endure and had my close friend witness it, giving me the moral support, without even judging me...has made me maybe even more vulnerable to the fact that a lot of people are counting on me not to fail. *Aaggrhhh*
Day after day after day, the tasks to complete keeps piling up. I am not complaining but I really wish there was a 25hour clock that I can have at least a little more time. Yah yah...I know.."time management, Aya-chan. Get it straighten out". *Sigh* Yes I am not optimus prime where I can get all robotic and get no sleep. I'm still a human,people!! OMG (as the partners keep saying) that I am actually complaining without even realizing it. No, I am "so" not erasing what I have to say because I want to let it out...as in "stress it out"; since I am granted NO holiday anytime soon, nor can I perform any victory dance at this point of time. *sniffles* SADNESS!!

Hmm..getting to stressed out on these petty things. The biggest challenge is probably to uphold family values (going to church, debts to be paid on time, proceed on with the business that the family is in, to be involved in village activities, etc) and having the family understand the situation I'm in, especially from otosan. *sigh*

As of now, its actually two hidden in the number 1...not to think negatively but I'm a dead duck! Head under water...for real! SUGOI!!

* everyday has been a mixed emotion and all piled up with no solid ground to hold your weight * you may have people who support you and then fail you when you're not aware * driving aimlessly and decorating the lungs is perhaps the only thing a human may do when in doubt * even the thought of quitting seems out of the question cause one can not possess the will to be strong * not worthy of this and a lil' scared to admit but to be on yer own and not know what is in store for you can make this anxiety repeat itself a lil' faster than one can expect * the rate that my body is taking, yes, otosan is right...i will collapse very very soon * some say that i should stay closer to work so as i won't be too tired out * muther said to try it first and not to get that laptop * ahhh...commitments to having a ride and paying it on time * so this will not end, a world full of debts and endless wastage of dosh that is flowing out of my hands * at this rate, everyone is hoping for something better in order to achieve a sense of happiness * i am still getting there when im already there * words fail me, and all day things running thru my head is just tiredness * hopeless * nothingness *

Its true that I am addicted to the sun when it's setting. Will not waste a moment to take out my K660i Sony and snap shots, even when on the go. It has the effect of being so bright, and to shine thru the clouds...suddenly at a blink of an eye, the soft colours set in as the sun sets peacefully...a dab of serenity. Maybe my life story has been like this for almost 3 years. All this while, when roughing it at work, just a mere barista in a coffee culture surrounding and finally getting my BiG break only just recently, effective June 14...I am getting my prayers answered...I am a store manager...after a year plus of waiting, nearly getting anxiety attacks. Survived, got a last-unexpected-wet-beer kish from my former boss, as a farewell luck...and getting sprayed with whipped cream, splashed with low fat milk (expensive too) and splated with coffee grounds..it was very much WORTH IT!! hahaha... I had to wash my hair 3 freakin times...HAIYO!! I reeked of disgustingly sweet aroma...eww..hahha. Definately a huge leap for me, considering I have been a slacker...here and there...laying low. I haven't told him yet...I don't think I will...although I am so very much tempted to. *sigh* Iie...betsoni desu.. I'll be fine...Challenging encounters that I will face, even got a hint of it today...I pray I will survive this life...and for the better... Oyasumi nasai... Ja!!

Its amazing how a lil prayer that you said a few months back is soon appeared when you're not at all aware it would pounce on so heavily. Once it hits you and you have the anxiety attack recollecting somewhere in your body (next to my heart or was it my stomach) and you find yourself takin' in all that non-existant air in...hoping it would let you breathe normally for once.

I got my prayer answered today...something along the lines of "motto" money and better job, and I did not once, perhaps selfishly did not immediately thank God for this blessing...what a fool i must have been at that moment. Being all conceited at one point and then foolish enough to step on my own shoe laces. BAKA!! *Sigh*

I don't know how I am supposed to react. Maybe some are happy that I'm finally leaving the place I've always dreaded to be at (except for when I see those happy faces of those who value my presence) and I am honestly happy, yet nervy at the knees. How do I turn to someone when I am in need in the future? How can I resolve all those petty problems in this very huge place that I'm gonna take over soon...very soon? I have no words to describe that I am feeling as if I can hurl any moment now! Oh I do dislike this uneasy feeling.

I have been getting handshakes of congratulations on my promotion the whole day and yet I do feel as I haven't done enough for my partners..I feel empty?? Is that the word that fills this anxiety in me? Oh help me...someone, anyone. I really do not like to feel this way, like a sick puppy having all the comforts of home, yet not enough hands to pet it on the head for bringing in the newspaper in from the rain outside.

I took a picture of the sunset by the WaterFront deck today, and it filled this hole in my heart. I wanted to give him a text message for this great news that I received today, and it seemed that he may not care in the end. So I forced myself to even stop trying to pair up the damage...less i wanted my heart to be torn again. My hands itch to tell him via text msg...but I believe he'll know sooner or later, perhaps chucking to himself on a "job well done". Gambatte ne Benny Kun!!

I'm worn out from today's news, and later I believe I would be covered in whipped cream and I hope none of those rotten eggs for my promotion. Hai...so des' ne.. Ja Ne!!

Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! (-o-) zZzZzZz....

lost...i wouldn't say so much that i am.."that". uncertain on the things i want to achieve and not to proceed with...i am perhaps lost with the motivation i can come with to give to others rather than to take it to my account, for my own accord. there is that dream of someone and it would be nice if it came to life. to regain all the strength in me, to move forward and be renown person.. then the slacking begins to take over this life. i am behind time and yet time is two times ahead of me, leaving me in the rain. the things that i planned to do in my mind has been displayed for me but i do not pursue to complete the task...in the end, it is left somewhere on the floor, or on my dressing table...collecting dust. i don't know whether i snore myself to sleep or whether i have the bugs biting on my leg, i am unable to sleep at normal hours...i am not stoned, just weary of what i have to do next. i can't afford this car, and im piling on debts. the dosh that i receive every 29th of each month leaves me weary and i am tired out. i can't cry about it nor can i talk to her about it cause she's not around for small talk. i dislike the fact that im not the youngest and get pinned on for being ignorant to my responsibilities. i do want to go for that working holiday with lau pan next year but will not be able to gather enough dosh by next year. I do not wish to remain in this negativity state, "demo" its eating me up like a chewed gummi bear. the comfort that i see in people, i am getting envious...little by little...and it hurts like billy-O! *gawsh* my anxiety attacks are coming back. can i hold off this fart to silent soundless, odorless thing in public. i may hurl anytime and it kills that im not as brave as others are this time round. the ball is rolling and im turning two four this year. i will not want to ask the question why everything boils down to a great relationship as ive seen only a few and its hurts like a deep wound when they're smiling for that moment. then i say to myself,"it is how the world goes".

if you're reading this, don't let it affect your brain...i just needed to clear the air. Gomene tomodachi... Ja mata ne!

How do you give up
Is it done by deciding to give up and following through it?
Or is it by taking steps away from you true feelings?

I wonder if someday I will forget the smell of his brown hair,
the feeling of his cold ears,
and the warmth from his back...

I wonder if even this pain will all disappear and be forgotten
All of it...

All of it.

With nothing left behind
Almost like there was nothing there from the beginning

Quotes from Honey and Clover