I guess the dumbest thing
I ever did and
I hope I will never
ever do
is to meet a person such as yourself
The most untrustworthy fink
that I've always seen
which others
fall for
and after it all
I ended up
falling for a jerk, such as yourself
Perhaps the sweet talk
did work after all
It was lame at most times
and yet I just wanted you
not to love you
it was more for companionship
You know the type when old couples grow old
and not have intimacy, but rather
the comfort of each other rather
I never did, I'm afraid
I never did love
someone such as yourself
It was just plain stupid which ended up
pretty simple really
and I was glad that I got to get out
and not to be waiting in vain
for a ridiculous fool such as yourself
Back as to why there wasn't any
love in that connection?
A bastard as one could see
you weren't different
from your brother
after all
you are like twins
just from a different time line
Annoyed as I was
I could finally breathe
Being solo for such a long time
made me realize
I haven't reached my
destination yet
I knew that we would not survive
the distance
I was not weary
but rather bored to my bones
there wasn't anything exciting
about "us"
No Christmas presents
appeared,
just a very much delayed text
saying
"oh yeah! Cheers to you"

I've moved on
and now you're no longer
on my friend's list
I glad for me
.....finally!

This winter has been a waste cause she is the one you are the one Each day is always the same I’m wondering why, I keep getting up Another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss you I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you What could I do This friendship is just a fling comfort for cover when I love the most The feeling of you The colour on your face In delicate spring another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss You What Could I do Well you’ve had the chance to save me Well you’ve had the chance to save me over and over again well you’ve had the chance you’ve had the chance over and over again I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away Cause It’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you another gift from the maker when I love you like that I Miss You I Miss You

physically drained out from all the bickering
the anguish in people's mind
and most of all,
the consistency of the life
that I'm living in

believe me
when I say that it is
and will forever will be
the people that I've met throughout
these 4 and a half years that has kept me going
with this "almost-perfect-on-the-surface" job
it is just to bad that
I couldn't be their reason to stay
long and perhaps rot with me in this
crazy passion for coffee and its
darn history

of all the things
that I've experienced today
and the past few weeks, months and days
everything has been falling apart

friends come and go
like the breeze that chooses to come
only through it's bidding
mostly friends who are forced
to choose their own destiny
and find themselves some freedom
at last, the lucky buggers

the heartache
to where he must go
and I cannot follow, and sulking
by my own person just to feel sane enough
to live through another day of agony
and more heartache

i want to feel
hopeful and faithful
but yet, i feel more slut-tatious
and end up being a bad person
Go figure!!

Finally it rained on the 23rd March 2010, at around 20:00pm.

When it poured down, and the droplets of rain fell on the tin roof..it almost had a tinkling sound of tiny bells.

How great it was, that perhaps God had cried just a little, as it is now Lent, and perhaps people are sinning more than ever during this time of year.

The chance to have a change of heart and perception of people can have some side effects to the membrane.

The fewer steps we take in meeting a friend, is much more fewer with the text messages sent in a minute.

Even to stumble on a person's profile on a well-diverse free community connection online, can make you wake up just to smell the flowers and to tell you that it is okay to dream just a little: to hope for the best in others.

There has been this crummy feeling that

has been hovering on my head for a few days.

Perhaps as the days get shorter

and it is almost time that I have to face him again,

once more and act like that nothing

happened.

Which is hard to contain, even for myself as this

is really over rated where one Seriously

should just get over the fool and move on.

REALLY!!!

Then again, there is that heartache that

one may feel overcoming the mind and soul

all at the same time and

perhaps it is a good time to see

whether one is tough enough to move on with this life.

Whatever the consequences,

I will hold my head up,

just a little higher

so as those crummy feelings

won't get in the way of this

runny tears...

So desu ne...JA MATA NE!!!!!

Its the simple words that has the mind
fragments messed up and
perhaps has made one dillusional
on the petty things we want
from each other.
Yes, we tend to say things when
we're waiting
and waiting,
and waiting some more.
Still we get this
dead silence for waiting that long.
*.............................................................................................*
The person at fault never admits
what one has to say,
sadness that I
too am speechless on what
I have to say.
Rather, I let the other
hold on to the hope too long
and one has grown tired
of my foolish antics
and words.
I rather one to move on,
and whatever the feeling of regret
be put aside and
just us to remain as comrades in this lifetime.
After all,
the words not displayed clearly
can lead to further assumptions.
So to not waste anymore
time of men,
let us be off with this
accusations and move on with life.
Even if you're ready
to move on and say your last goodbyes..
I will still be waiting
with open arms,
my deah, deah, friend.


Till next time, Ja mata ne!!

*chargers to whip up a fluffy cream-o. Artist inspired by Yebster, Will-I-am and Boonch (^^,) *

How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

There are many things that I want to say and do. Sometimes I can't find the time to justify myself when others are hovering over me, or either smothering me with petty cries and laughter. It is true that I do zone out to the detail stuff but even the simplest information mentioned to me, I actually realise at the last minute that I block out all that stuff too. Never meant to do all that, but its these tired eyes, mind and heart that start to go weary. The soles on the side of my left foot is dry, perhaps from callus (ewww...) and to make it more attractive, I have added suave pink to my toenails..all 10 of me toes. Looks good, since I've been growing my toenails long. I find myself forgiving my heart, mind and soul when I hugged my deah friend, Tita as we had a row just a few days ago. Stupid quarrel spat that could have been settled in a matter of minutes, but ended up being torn off for that few days that seemed like eternity to me...and her. Perhaps this time, with my friend, we realise the things we did to others that really hurt to the bone like Billy-O and when I saw her today, and simply asked her "Merjuk kah masih??"...it all fell into place, as if we were saying, "I'm sorry, deah friend. Will you ever forgive me for hurting you bad?" We embraced and tightly held eachother as if the world was falling from all sides. We cried and laughed about it, and it was all okay. Whether it ended up to be her fault or mine, the whole of me was utterly guilty and was distraught the last few days when we had the nonsensical arguement. *Sigh* Never again do I want to feel that shitty with anyone...for a while, that is.

So if all the times you see my toes, painted in suave pink...you'll know that I've gone all soft hearted with life... so desu ne`

The sky was as blue as the ocean. Waves splashing on the beach. It was a lovely evening. Too good to be a dream. Yes, the dream that played repeatedly in my mind. The day was 25th February, a day of confusion, mixed emotions, and pure happiness. Of all the things that I felt that day, it was all that was, a moment to remember. And yet, each time to be looking at him, to smell his scent, was unbearable to the point that I went speechless. Talking of things that were out of the blue, words that were trying to reach the heart, and I, ended up confunded as I could not read his actions, nor his mind or his heart.
This is "HE", the one that smiles so, that is as warm as a hug on a cold winter's day. One can get carried away with the things and just float on fluffy cloud. Taken at Sutera Habour, there we were just admiring the breath-taking view of the ocean. There were alot of tourists there...but the sounds from his breathing in the air, talking away, and humming a tune were as peaceful to the waves that was splashing on the rocks. I mish him already.
I finally touchdown at Penang for the first time in 24 years. It is a great place to getaway, a place to relax yer mind. There were a number of nice tourists spots that were uncovered by my friend there, and also by mah deah. Although with the limited time there, and that he has moved on, it was a pleasant feel to the trip with him. He brought me to the Kuan Yin Temple and showed me the Pagoda Buidling. Then also after that, we went to Bukit Bendera at Penang Hill, where we took a cable car up with loads of people visiting that day. It was our first time, and also for him. He enjoyed it. Funny though, after his work partner passed on, he picked up the habit of decorating the lungs. Pity though. I always knew him to be a non-smoker. He's more observant and would not show signs of wanting to be more than comfortable. The many times that I wanted to hold his hand, but I did not. Seems the whole ordeal was abit akward for him, as it was not for me. So we just casually sat close to each other, laughed bout the old times, chatted about what is to come for the same company that we worked in. It was pure innocence and yet, all I wanted to do was hold him once more. Till the end, he was still a gentleman, treating me like the way it was in the year 2007. I close my eyes up till today, just for a few minutes, to reminse on those precious moments, of him being "ERIC"...my friend, my heart.




I heart thee......

Here in Penang (Pulau Pinang) for the first time in mah life. Away from home from the 12-16th October 2009, with so much expectations, tensions, laughter, planting, kick in the mud, rained on, anxieties, scenery, heritage sighting, anticipation, christmas tree making, buffet with lots of cornflakes, scramble eggs, GOoOooOOod coffee, decorating of the lungs, initiating conversations with people (tried with snotty ones: challenging), surfing the net, visitation of stores at Gurney tower, Juro Auto city and hopefully some stores today. The insert on the right is the view from where I stayed with my Starbucks Coffee partners, at Sri Sayang Apartments, Batu Fringgi. This view was taken from the 24th floor, and it is absolutely breath-taking. Right now, everyone's online surfing, everyone as in Kay, Mel, Moy, Gurie, Dee (perviously from KK district), and myself. The only one missing is Ron who had to rush down to Kuala Lumpur to be with his wife and only daughter. His daughter just recovered from an operation, something to do with their little girl's lung/ heart. Pity the sweetheart, as she is only 8 months this October, but a REAL fighter.
I went Penang sighting for old buildings that were done in the 1920s, creepy old house that used to be a maternity house and the rest of that story goes on (still gives me the shivers). Also got to see the "Leaning Clock Tower" situated in the old town area. My good friend, Rudy showed me around Penang Island, and told me that the 5 years he's been staying here, he has seen alot of changes that even the locals don't realise. Expats (although I have nothing against them staying in Malaysia) have been buying up the old buildings and have moved in. However, the way they have furnished the place has not lived up to the heritage, and has more of a modern look. Now, how would I know all these if it weren't for him. He has created more insight that it was too bad that I had woken up way too early that day, and was soon biting my lip to stay awake. Sorry dude! Mean of me...hehe. But we managed to cover most of the great look-out spots, that even your tour guide wouldn't bring ya to. From the low land to top of the hill we went. Sceptical about hawker stalls?? Well, to be honest those stalls are the best tasting dishes that you can try from Penang..the real taste of Hokkien Mee, Penang Laksa and others (me stomach's growling at the thought of those dishes I tried...huhuhu), blended Grape drinks (weird huh?)..all these apart from the daily Nasi Kandar, the dishes that is with all mixed food, veges, and everything; these you can get at the Mamak stalls in Penang.
Also visited the Kuan Yin Temple and Pagoda Temple...LONG CLIMB...Giler! Went to the Penang Hilltop, at Bukit Bendera...famous for the many weddings held there (thru reliable source), and you got to take a slow train/ cable car up to about 700++ meters high. Nice view, seems like as how Eric mentioned it like "Cameron Highlands". To me, it was just like on a hill...SUGOI!! After all that hiking and sitting, plus more time for oxygen breaks, we headed to Gurney Plaza to grab some food to bite at PizzaMania. Seems too good to be true, as there are still some sane gentlemen just like Eric himself, and it was sweet like chocolate..haha. Then up till the late evening, he sent me back to Sri Sayang Apartments, at Batu Fringgi. Nope, not what you thought "would" happen, sadly did not happen. So enough said. I guess, he had grown out of it and has moved on, but I couldn't bear to think that it "was" the end, and yes, I gave him a hug and that was it. All that was running through my head was Damien Rice's Song ~ The Blower's Daughter.So after that, the KK team went to a nearby restaurant (Geee...I forgot the name..haha) and handed out 5B's & MUG Awards recognition by Boss there. We did a little shopping at the bargain shops near the roadside, and headed back to the Wooden Pub, next to the restaurant, to have our beer. Moy and myself were utterly bored that we wrote down our initials with marker pens at the toilet area, and went to have a look at the different money currency posted on the wall, with different writings from people who visited that pub. The pub is situated very near to the road, actually by the roadside, and not that near to the ocean...only by view rather.

Hmmm...will definately come to Penang for a REAL holiday, and also visit Langkawi...woOoOooHooOoooo....save and travel...can't wait!!

Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

Days when you feel like a flightless bird is when no one pays attention to what you have to say or rather the other way around. You block out the sound and all that is polluting your brain. Your tired eyes droops down slowly, causing you to rub your eyes countless times, just to get the irritation away...to give you clear vision of what you want to see, in the dark.
I've been going back and forth to my ex store, perhaps just to gain some peace and quiet...rather to feel the wrath that haunts me every time I step into the store. Sure, sure, this place gives me the good and awful times that repeatedly plays in my mind, but the fact still remains...I can't let go of some past that I hope to the Good Lord would let my mind at rest. Meeting up with good friends have been a juggling act. Can't please everyone, and yet I feel as though I have sort of abandon some buddies along the way. I did not come to think of the problems that others are facing are the same ones that I had to go through previously and it gives me a heart ache that I can't only give them the surface of things that may come and in hope that they'll prepare themselves for the worst...but in good time...the better. The thought of resigning from decorating the lungs seems like an impossible act and yet, my peers seem not to judge me, well...not totally upfront of course. Heavens help me it this is what my heart desires, a life time of partners not performing well, or the other lot that thinks better of themselves in order to case down disapproving looks on fellow peers. Am I talking bout my own life time? No, not entirely because everyone has gone through the roughest and narrow path that they ever stumbled on, its amazing that some managed to swim through a load of jaws that seize the seas. Rubbish you say that I jotting down or a an encrypted word that probably needs some bright scientist to solve...it's just plain simple words that define the world today....or the freaking society. MAN! I have gone outta line...I do not mean to offend anyone...really that wasn't my intention.

The difference with this past life and now is that you'll never know when it's gonna end...in other words, you don't want it to end as it makes you feel every feeling all at once...talking bout anxieties, happiness, fear, hopefulness, carefree, and perhaps a little bit lonely too. I'm looking forward to things that may be a REAL obstacle my way and at other times, easy peasy...as pie. You have people coming in and out of your life as if there was a Formula 1 race going round and round the race track, and then, at the end of the race, the cars just drive home to victory...people move on and get married, have kids, grow old and live on. Unfortunately not all end up that way. Some are still lingering on, wishing that a few years would have done him/her good. Late nights, watching men pance around in short, skimpy dresses and you thought you could bet your good buddy to give'em a kish for just RM10, or maybe more RM20.55, for an extra tip. Darn tired but it was really fun to just watch them strut their stuff...haha, what a laugh. Then you have you're friends with different personalities, amazing your daily life and making it exiciting...even by commenting on John's NY2 Beef Lasagna: Lacking of fresh tender minced-meat, more layers of pasta, lack of tomato puri, and last but not least...MORE CHEESE!! Hehehe...
Having a whole mountainful of washing to finish, pending stuff to do, what is a "day off" again? I remember it means something...like relaxing in bed, being a potato couch, watching the tube and just taking an extra loOoOog bath....uhhhh!! That is one KICK ARSE off day....and now.....those days are gone....huhuhuhu...*
There are days when you want to be swallowed whole (no, not that pathetic movie; Drag Me To Hell...thumbs down to that) and just hide, and sleep forevermore. But when you get the rhythm to move to Black Eye Peas new song; I Got A Feeling...that's when you just hang loose and move to beat...it's like a Brand New Day...WooHoo...*
Then there's that HUGE amount of Ice Cream, topped with almonds and Hersey's Chocolate...UHhhh....YUMMY!! (^^,)
I'm turning fluffy by the day and it's not funny...huhuhuhu...oh well....guess it's back to line dancing...yippee!!

Its those moments where you know won't happen for another life time.
As you try so hard to search deeper
and
forcing your mind to remember all the things that occured,
somehow just makes you make up all the things
that are actually not the same to the
original picture.
Makes one frightful,
stupid, loved but then again..
it isn't the truth at all.

If the waves crashing onto those big boulders,
would it be the same to imagine it as if it were somewhat soft..
just like cotton..or a stuffed pillow
with feathers
Then again.....
whoever heard of a fluffy pillow by the side of the beach