i fear that i may be losing myself in this
its coming to me slowly
its like a disease i can't get rid of
the sign of depression is creeping on me

losing myself and thinking subconsciously
leads me to more anxiety
and the feeling wells up in my chest
honestly i am quite edgy these days

i want out of this mess
wanting to get out so badly for the past 4 years
its slowly eating me inside
to the point that suicide is the only option

but there it is
i will not cross that line
no matter how tempting it is
thinking about it alone can make one
delusional & contented somehow

this is all that i have to say
that you'll forgive me for not giving you
a reason as to why i had to write this down at the last minute
but its better now than later

I did not cry much the day she passed away
Always thought that I could buy myself time to see her when I was not busy
Even then I did not grew close to her
And to regret it would be useless
I used to think that her world revolves around me
That I was her favourite grandchild
Needless to say that I was winning a losing battle
To compete with countless cousins that were born
Earlier and ending up much cuter than me
I was always in the back seat
Not really caring in the world that I was "one" of the grandchildren
Who's grandma had loads of children to cuddle & hug with
There was a time I wrote letters to her
It was pleasant and sweet
Just like I had a pen pal to write to,
Every now and then
Was it I who grew up too fast to find new friends,
To forget such a caring woman such as herself?
The letters stopped coming and going
Our lives went a little too much forward
For now that I weep with my family members
To have lost a wonderful person such as my grandmother
Perhaps it would never be okay
To see a grown man cry
Or a young girl to cry her eyes out
For the sister, wife, mother, cousin, grandma, great grandma
Who wishes to be remembered
Like the way she was alive and healthy
The thought of God bringing her to a safer place
A place where one would call it their paradise
Is finally coming to a close
As the prayers and days are almost up
for crucial parts towards the passing
These are the times that in every heart of every person
There is a sense of loss
Yet the need to grow happier for
the wonderful woman that Grandma
Has always been and
Forever shall be....

I mish you so much even if my actions don't show it....

Rest In Peace, Grandma...

...you won't be forgotten

in exactly one month

the moment where every eye would

be in anticipation

to see me fail this

or get through the long

awaited

presentation

*District Coffee Master FY11*

i wouldn't have it

any other way

if there was only the

Coffee Basics ~ Coffee Series

but to have the actual do-your-own

DCM presentation

in front of the panel of judges

which might include L&D department

OM and DM

(not forgetting the coffee ambassador)

will perhaps create the

anxiety attack that

has long suppress somewhere

hidden in this mind & body

in other words..

i can tell you honestly

i am not that ready to pursue this

*whimper* m(_ _)m

the tragedy of also coming up

with the other 2 different

presentations

for my comrades

can actually cause this meltdown

do i really want this?

ARGHHhhhh..........*

i wish to tell you

what lays deep in this

tragic heart of mine

a longing

of some sort

its difficult to put into words

i can't describe it

very well to you

envious

of others living

a great deal of a life

though may trouble arise

but it is still

the togetherness of love ones

that brings this

weight

to this heavy heart

Carefree

we use to feel the sense of freedom:

to speak, laugh and live to the fullest

Ending up

lost in confusion, despair and mostly

a little heartache

that fills up the void nowadays

Longing to gain that momentum

to once again

be surrounded by people I love

and care about

Then again...

Its gone, going, gone

I mish you it hurts *sob*

i dislike this kind of life. its the one particularly the one i'm living in right now. this is the call of the frail & tired heart that has been trying her best to live up to the standards of the store, and yet fails miserably when all things don't go to plan. the most obvious part is that the people once near & far have decided to hit the road to a better future, or part of it is also hidden under a veil. month, after month, AFTER MONTH, the same ole shitty standards to uphold and yet you can still find me there at the store, minding my own business & hoping that i can scrape through this day without any hassle. just yesterday, the news about the only District Coffee Master has decided to tender her resignation, effective 15th April, 2010. i'm pretty much sure that the weight will fall on either of the other long time Store Coffee Masters as there is no other person holding that same title. the tragedy when the pig-headed people way...on the other side of the peninsular is going to be pretty much upset because no one would stand up for the challenge, let alone hold that title. ahh...the negativity that is flooding the very core of my brain and i am slowly draining out from all the extra work here and there. the darkest lies that react in my head and my heart is going to spread to the rest of my organs. then soon, the person you used to know is no longer there.

Finally it rained on the 23rd March 2010, at around 20:00pm.

When it poured down, and the droplets of rain fell on the tin roof..it almost had a tinkling sound of tiny bells.

How great it was, that perhaps God had cried just a little, as it is now Lent, and perhaps people are sinning more than ever during this time of year.

The chance to have a change of heart and perception of people can have some side effects to the membrane.

The fewer steps we take in meeting a friend, is much more fewer with the text messages sent in a minute.

Even to stumble on a person's profile on a well-diverse free community connection online, can make you wake up just to smell the flowers and to tell you that it is okay to dream just a little: to hope for the best in others.

There has been this crummy feeling that

has been hovering on my head for a few days.

Perhaps as the days get shorter

and it is almost time that I have to face him again,

once more and act like that nothing

happened.

Which is hard to contain, even for myself as this

is really over rated where one Seriously

should just get over the fool and move on.

REALLY!!!

Then again, there is that heartache that

one may feel overcoming the mind and soul

all at the same time and

perhaps it is a good time to see

whether one is tough enough to move on with this life.

Whatever the consequences,

I will hold my head up,

just a little higher

so as those crummy feelings

won't get in the way of this

runny tears...

So desu ne...JA MATA NE!!!!!

Didn't quite imagine it that life could leave you breathless and at the same time, wasting your lungs to something sinful. Its been a long ride, a real far off road to a place where I'm still trying to find myself and perhaps, still waiting for the others to be more supportive. There is no returning to the place where you once felt all that fun and cheery moments. It comes visible and until one is able to grasp hold of it and cherish it, then you know it will be somewhere embedded in your mind and soul. Standing on the edge is where you can see the whole scene clearly-- People ready to settle down, or pretty much worried that they "don't" and the clock is ticking quickly. Fear creeps in slowly to weaken the heart and mind. This is when most people would tremble not in the open, but rather in the room where the door is shut, the fan blowing, and the curtains swaying. The things that are planned out, we try and try to push forward the things we have yet to complete. Walking around aimlessly, hitting hard and then, dazzled for a moment just to gain back the strength to realize where the pain really was. Had real good talk with Pops this morning, and just chatting away bout how a job turn out to be a good choice, when others choose to leave. Pops said that each time he went to work back in the old days, it wasn't so much about working, but rather the excitement to look forward to be there and just be involved. Yes, that was and on some days still "is" how I feel towards my job. The good days and the crappy days but all is well when you're involved. *sigh* There is still more to this life that I want to see.... JAPAN 2017.....hahhahahha...Pops said it'll be the end of the world by 2012..hahha, the tragedy!!

I didn't mean to have it this way.

I always thought that it would get better

and perhaps in the long run I would finally be happy.

Somehow, as the days past by so swiftly,

I forget the minor details and

the big picture turns out to look a little dim

and also ugly.

It gets sickening that I am still stuck here

and I know I have ask God countless times

to bless me and yet,

here I am pondering on the things that could have

turned out a little more prettier.

That did not happen I guess.

Am I at fault to say that we get what we deserve?

To say the things such as what you do on to others,

they will do the same to you?

I am exhausted to keep up

and still the end of that crossroads,

I stumble and still pick myself up

though tired and thirsting for knowledge.

Mentally,

this is what it appears in the real world.

Trodden and wasting those breaths

although a little satisfactory

but it seems endless.

To understand what it feels to be left out in the rain
and to be taken in, to realize
that all that we know in this life is to simply trust
and not to splurge on things we want
but rather on what we need.

We fail miserably when we blow out all the candles
and risk stumbling aimlessly,
falling at most times,
with dirty hands and torn clothes.

Then when its time to wake up
to smell the freedom that lingers in the air
for that one person
to simply reach out
and grasp hold onto it...
it would definitely be a day
that I would want to be
the one to do that.

Because "saving" is what I need

Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.

Do you see that picture? The one that can easily be taken at arms length. Do you see the smile that I bear? The one that deceives a friend from knowing what I really feel. Does the mixed emotion show upon my face? Can you tell if at that moment this candid shot was taken before the happy moments? Or prolly the worst ones? Its hard to tell. Even after looking at how vain a person can be, maybe I was happy for a minute or two. Does the anxiety show through my eyes? Or am I really blind sometimes? This was taken at my ex-store, the place of good times and somehow the past haunts me again, the moment I step into that very place. Funny how that turned out...that perhaps, taking a self candid shot was the only time I could be myself and express the true feelings flowing out through my veins. A smile turning into a smirk. A wink turning into a blink. After all the days, passing by like a flowing stream, it would be impossible to hold back the fears, passion, and the faith that is buried deep, deep down, somewhere in this little heart. Pathetic, yet convincing enough. So desu ne~ Ja mata ne! (-.-)"

Driving at 80km per hour can have it's slow moments. One minute, to think you're driving fast then the next thing you have gone past the 120mark. Crazy enough to think listening to some random music from the past can make you slow down time. Then looking to your right, a man unable to hold his eagerness to pick at his nose. On your left, a lady breaking at anything that flies down from the trees (yes, even a leaf falling). If only they could wake up from their own world and realize that the world is watching them, with amazement. Flying would not be such a problem if everyone could have their own jet planes. An even better idea, cars that could turn into hovercrafts..perhaps.
I chatted with a friend today, he runs a fitness gym. Only today did he came up with thought that has been bugging him for the past few weeks. A person said to him,"Go get a vacation and stress it all out". Unable to figure out this weird saying, he went ahead with short trip for 3 days at a nearby duty-free island. Nothing much to see, just part of the beach owned by a resort where people are able to get sun baked in the nude. The other resort, a place to gain serenity and calmness. The whole time, he and a good friend of his had a choice of RM2.50 for a bottle of mineral water or RM1.00 for a can of beer. So two days in a row, drinking with a hangover the next day and driving aimlessly in a rented car, actually gave my friend to "stress it all out". The 3rd day was to catch the next bus and go in for next graveyard shift with a lil' hangover.
All I'm saying is that at this current state that I am in...that includes everyone that has gotten a new promotion or a new car can get you excited for that moment and the anxiety will hit when the process of forking out that wad of bills to pay (this includes the stress that comes with the promotion). The nervous breakdown I had to endure and had my close friend witness it, giving me the moral support, without even judging me...has made me maybe even more vulnerable to the fact that a lot of people are counting on me not to fail. *Aaggrhhh*
Day after day after day, the tasks to complete keeps piling up. I am not complaining but I really wish there was a 25hour clock that I can have at least a little more time. Yah yah...I know.."time management, Aya-chan. Get it straighten out". *Sigh* Yes I am not optimus prime where I can get all robotic and get no sleep. I'm still a human,people!! OMG (as the partners keep saying) that I am actually complaining without even realizing it. No, I am "so" not erasing what I have to say because I want to let it out...as in "stress it out"; since I am granted NO holiday anytime soon, nor can I perform any victory dance at this point of time. *sniffles* SADNESS!!

Hmm..getting to stressed out on these petty things. The biggest challenge is probably to uphold family values (going to church, debts to be paid on time, proceed on with the business that the family is in, to be involved in village activities, etc) and having the family understand the situation I'm in, especially from otosan. *sigh*

As of now, its actually two hidden in the number 1...not to think negatively but I'm a dead duck! Head under water...for real! SUGOI!!

* everyday has been a mixed emotion and all piled up with no solid ground to hold your weight * you may have people who support you and then fail you when you're not aware * driving aimlessly and decorating the lungs is perhaps the only thing a human may do when in doubt * even the thought of quitting seems out of the question cause one can not possess the will to be strong * not worthy of this and a lil' scared to admit but to be on yer own and not know what is in store for you can make this anxiety repeat itself a lil' faster than one can expect * the rate that my body is taking, yes, otosan is right...i will collapse very very soon * some say that i should stay closer to work so as i won't be too tired out * muther said to try it first and not to get that laptop * ahhh...commitments to having a ride and paying it on time * so this will not end, a world full of debts and endless wastage of dosh that is flowing out of my hands * at this rate, everyone is hoping for something better in order to achieve a sense of happiness * i am still getting there when im already there * words fail me, and all day things running thru my head is just tiredness * hopeless * nothingness *