Her Life so far...

Over a month and thinking this is glamourous with a tinkle of stardom but I am on the road of finding myself...once more. Spend all those fancy years in a Coffee House, almost 6 years then venturing on to an Aviation industry. That didn't go according to plan, as I always thought life was better outside your comfort zone. I did learn in fact that Life gets more spicier each time you move forward.

No doubt that I do have some anxiety as to where I am leading myself into. Yes, a mid-life crisis although I am still in the late 20's and yet I am feeling this way. 

The plan was to quit the aviation job and be a jazz performer ~ that also means full time quality time at home. At the given rate, I am quite stuck to 1) Losing the weight so that I am able to fit in a long gown and not look like a freaking whale. 2) To fulfill my promise that I made to my older sister about teaming up to make this MLM work and earn some cash 3) To pay the debts off (a never ending story) 4) To actually learn songs and 5) Sustain and prolong this voice box at least for 2-3 sets per gig. 

I have often thought about just going back to my old job but things have been going off the scale with friends losing their job for being dishonest, the others because the company has gone all anal just for small boo boos made. The both jobs which I thought were dream jobs turned out to be a loss in my eyes. I have lost all words to how my life would turn out, lost as to what I believe was a success is now all grey from my vision. 

It gets hot and humid nowadays, rainy on most evenings. Posting of pictures on Instagram when I feel like it, dropping messages to people on facebook when actually I do not want to meet them, and getting frustrated when I don't get a puff or two. GAWSH!!!! It burns just seeing people making it and mostly getting hitched....but this is not me. I usually just glance once and get all happy about it and I do want to succeed in getting there. I can say that I am a worry wart, contemplating about the future and no doubt do not want to meet most people because I dare say that I am just not up to telling them what has been going on with this life when there's NOTHING to talk about. It is not the same as to when you message and talking face to face on what the real situation is presenting itself...on your plate. 

Even with this chest pain on my right, I am determined to not blog this way....ever....it will turn out differently...

Either its my brain or my heart, but I am definitely going mad all over the place. This is the response that will take me months to ignore and also many phrases to get over this stupid feeling of wanting to be wanted....again. 

Why does this face show such ignorance and controlled anxiety on one's face? Why can't I just get over the idea that it was just mere words that had me going for a while? Why can't I shake of this feeling of uncertainty? 

Annoyance feels this head and I'd shiver to the fact that I could be this foolish to fall for a person who thinks the world revolves around him. 

The sight of this child makes me weak but mostly the need to feel wanted and to feel the sense of touch for this one time. Then yet it should not even come to this. The nasty thoughts as to what is in the mind, should never be released at all. 

It is as close as to feeling pathetic about being infatuated with this bizarre love triangle, makes me sick to my stomach. Surprised that I could sink down to their level and have this tainted ideas that I could end up a cradle snatcher. How awful those words sound, even by typing it out.  

Here I am shivering like a wet dog, just not wanting to be near to something that is just within my reach. Oh God, remove this anxiety that hovers in my heart! Remove the weariness and disfigured thoughts that lingers in my blood! Oh, make me sane again, and just to appear normal to this unsettling air around me. I want to be myself once more and not to pretend it doesn't hurt. I want to shout at the top of lungs just to feel wanted again and not show any emotion to mere words of a child. Keep me grounded, keep me safe.

 

Floating away from this is the best remedy and yet, I'm still pretending not to care. 

During this time, thinking about the song that really says what's in my head, from the movie "Grease Lighting 2":

I'm all dressed up, in my finest attitude

Pretending I don't care

Guess I'm really messed up by trying to be two

When only one heart can be there.

Why can't I be just what I am?

And speak my love, without any shame?

Why can't she see, what I am,

Is a costumed fool, trapped in a tragic game?

Charades and pretty lies,

They hide what's deep inside me

Charades do disguise

All the love I keep inside me

Charades! Can't see me,

But can you feel the real me?

The real me behind my charades?

Oh, please don't mind me,

Performing at my hardest

As I paint upon the air.

You won't find me,

Cause it's the portrait of an artist

As a man who isn't there.

Charades and pretty lies,

They hide what's deep inside me

Charades do disguise

All the love I keep inside me

Charades! Can't see me,

But can you feel the real me?

Can't you feel the real me?

Behind my charades

Have I lost the real me,

Behind my charades.

.............................................................................................................have I lost the real me?

"Someone Like You" ~ ADELE

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." 

....................................................................................................................................................................

 

I'm happy yet a little sad that it turned out this way. 

If I wasn't so greedy in falling in love, person after person

I would actually be happy in this simple way.

Rae's settled down with his son,

Eric just had a baby girl and is blessed 

He wasn't my last resort but somehow, he just got engaged today~ 11.11.2011

Dear, dear Oomis Ginavoku...

Things had to fall into place and as how Adele sings it with full honesty...

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead..."

I keep this solely to myself as to what there is to come

"Oh come what may..." 

My only wish is that every single human being to deserve the much happiness, love & to never be lonely. 

 

My greatest fear...is not having someone like you before my time is up...

 

 

 

i fear that i may be losing myself in this
its coming to me slowly
its like a disease i can't get rid of
the sign of depression is creeping on me

losing myself and thinking subconsciously
leads me to more anxiety
and the feeling wells up in my chest
honestly i am quite edgy these days

i want out of this mess
wanting to get out so badly for the past 4 years
its slowly eating me inside
to the point that suicide is the only option

but there it is
i will not cross that line
no matter how tempting it is
thinking about it alone can make one
delusional & contented somehow

this is all that i have to say
that you'll forgive me for not giving you
a reason as to why i had to write this down at the last minute
but its better now than later

There are many reasons as to why I am NOT asleep yet. It's because I'm stressed out worrying bout the things that perhaps I thought I could get away with...and in the end, I have to sort it out before the big bosses fire my ass of this company.
To be honest, I "was" at that "couldn't- care- less" mode for almost 7 months, and now that I've gotten to know that I would be taking care of a new store in less than a month, the problem has found its way to my private life and now I am in the depths of the fire.
There is every reason that a human being puts blame on others before them, as they are blinded and ignorant to what their secrets have done their unfolding. I, on one hand, would gladly give this pathetic store to a hard core manager to ensure that she would have in every power to set that store right. I am tired nonetheless to make it work. It is pretty unlucky of me to have fallen on the backseat and then get slammed into a tree, just waking up to reality.
Alright, I admit that I screwed up the whole thing. It was a big, fat mistake to even tackle this store. I had to do what I had to do, had loads of fun achieving what was WORTH achieving but I'm not a Freaking robot, for goodness sake!
Bear in mind, achievements in this company is not recognized and discreetly not approved- it is instead a way of you being TOO EXPOSED until the lime light becomes this hot ass SPOT LIGHT!! Makes you sweat bullets, and ending up being a total eye sore!
Just need to find a bloody explanation as to why the costing has shot up way higher than their freaking nostrils goes. Hence, "deadmeat" for a shout out on FB. Fudges!Fudges! FUDGES!!
This is the whole reason why I wanted to quit in the 1st place! It is all because of all the unnecessary stress laid out on the table!

But then again, Moe....this is also the reason why you're still in the company- to have a trip to Phuket, Thailand next month for 8 freaking days! That was the whole intention!! right??

Yes, for now, yes. For this point of time, yes. If the new store does not fall in nicely, then I will gladly go...as in "ship out". I don't think I can cause another anxiety attack to poor ole` Moe. She's suffered enough. Owh God, gimme me another chance to life...away from this scene...

JA MATA NE!!! Aikhs!!! m(_ _)"m

Things aren't quite like they used to be...different faces, different places...at least we try

~ The Tress.

The things that seemed impossible to do like moving from this job for almost rotting away for 5 years is finally stepping up. Who is it? Not so little "Me!"

I can grasp it nicely in my mind. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the positive people around me. It is hard for my peers to understand why the sudden change, jumping from a demanding F&B line to tourism?? Does that make sense in our world? Honestly, its just our way of saying, "It is about time, Moe!"

Even if it means less figures into my bank account, I can actually start breathing with ease, and I can really see that THIS is my moment of Freedom!

Free from anxiety attacks...free from countless submissions of trackings, after trackings. I can see that this is my way of succeeding as my 26th year as a human being, trying to survive this depression or more like a pre-Mid Life crisis. This is it!! I am capable to push forward, earning my own place in the world.

As I see the sunset for the 1st time in a long time, I feel that it would be the Greatest feeling ever. I'm moving on with this life, no matter how challenging it may be...

By God's Grace...I can pull through!

"It's going to rain for a while, but you'll make it"

~ memo taken from Howard Schultz ONWARD book

I can't imagine how he went through with all the troubles and tribulations in his coming back as a CEO of the most profound company, just like Starbucks. Also with history coming to life when Prince William wed Kate Middleton just a few hours ago, saying goodbye to the normal life and taking the role of the Duchess of Cambridge. Its amazing and its great that I got to live through this, in order to experience it all. Whether it's through a book or through telly.

As of right now, my store is currently facing the worst time - with partners doing as they wish, my management team not on solid ground and the most obvious part is, there is no stability in this district. We're all on a loose end.

How much I would sigh and moan to all the things that may occur, has not or did not go the way as planned. Just at the point of wanting to quit and run, seemed like it was not my destiny to do so. Everyone is going ahead of me, and I am slightly standing on a limbo part, dangling from my fingertips. Do I want to move on??

So many good things and NOT so good things are falling into place, right here in this company I've been working in for the past 4 & half years. It gives one the excitement and the anxiety all at the same time, making one feel to come up with a very good decision this time around. I haven't been praying all that hard for a new job nor am I looking to improvement in the store. Is that bad that I haven't set my priorities straight?? Gawsh! Its ghastly than I thought. All this talk about putting the stick away is making me decorate more of my lungs more often, almost a box a day. THAT IS BAD!!! Nasty habit yet its repeatable!! Darn the sticks!!

If I can get rid of all the bad apples in store, would it all be perfect?? Perhaps it would be.

A sense of peace may flow from all nerves and give some oxygen to the brain cells. If only they could disappear, then the other lives would be spared. *sigh*

If how Howard Schultz left the company for a short period of time and gained his passion back in the business, then it is really okay to tender this resignation to further improve oneself's self esteem. Until then, I'm half way reading his book, in order to gain this passion back, not for you, but for myself.