I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.