The need to wake up in the morning where no noise can harm me. A place of serenity and peace. Do i wish that no familiar voice to disturb me with a "hush" or even, "wake up! lunch is served!" kind of sound? Weary are the tired eyes to the back of my aching head, the restless body mangle walking around like a lifeless body. Running here and there, driving aimlessly and nearly meeting with an accident. Thoughts of unsettled things to perform is eating me up slowly. I am wasting my days slowly, tired of useless words that shouldn't haven't been asked or even mentioned. I am losing my hearing of what lays important, and yet i show no concern at all. Wasted, effortlessly wandering around. Taking it all in as if there was nothing to grasp on to. The motivation to achieve one's goal, is twisted. My eyes get blurry now, like a film covering the lens. Shutting my eyes, hurt so much that I can barely stay awake. Just want to feel the weight on my eyes and typing down what is left in this membrane. He looks tired of staring at my face for days. She wants to follow her parents wishes but dares not think of leaving the place where she calls her "alone" time with herself apart from personal contact. I don't wish to take any action on what is to come, i rather it swallow me whole. To eat me in one big gulp and let me rest peacefully. Chotto matte...let my eyes rest for abit. My mind is racing, telling me to rest, just awhile, a little bit more. Then a message pops...I find myself responding to it, and even now I can't seem to focus very well. Pulling the black soft hood over my face, to hide from disgrace that arises every now and then. Waiting in vain to what may not happen or to what has been done. And i don't want to bother with petty things. I want to fall further, deeper, closer to nothingness...even if i were to end up in a complex pile of sand. I'm not worried, im restless. What I am to you is not what I need. Dragging my feet to walk a mile more to a destination, to keep silent with my head lower to the ground. To keep behind the covers, and cry there. For awhile and never look what is taking place downstairs. Place the pillows over my ears to block out the sound, to keep the glaring light from entering in. Serentiy has slowly sprinkled over my head...peacefully I shut my eyes...saying,"Oyasumi Baka San!"

a happy feeling to know that all things such as being able to get a response from your partners that they know they're doing good for the environment * a mixed up feeling when a relationship of a friendship can be mistaken for a thing called Lurve * an upset feeling to know that perhaps being in this position can have its many disadvantages and also uncannyly, its advantages * a sad feeling that one has to experience that life may not go according to plan, or have somewhat gone off track * a overwhelming feeling to have when you have all sorts of different personalities and none are to your expectations *

Bugging the very back of mind when things explained halfway and also the most that has been pricking is when things mentioned are always done round-the-bush...it agitates me so. I want to know that these games played out are just games for pleasure, not for the seriousness of a being. I want the real things that a person can feel is the things that keeps you sane, even if the heart keeps pounding like crazy when you're next to the one you care for, very much. I want to a person of value, a person who may be an egoist but maintains all his ground rules firm and not look back on it. I want a job on the coast of nice sandy beaches, and dance in a tutu when the sun sets. *Sigh* what a life to be dreaming of.
That is all that is in my membrane right now...Oyasumi nasai, Tomodachi (^^,)

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

But I, can't shake this feeling off

Can't shake this dead weight off of myback

It's a troubled place we stay

But we just play it out

You give too much away

Leaves you cold, oh...

Got no place else to go

In a daze, just hanging around

It's a dirt ground we crawl upon

I've stared at your face for much toolong

It's a troubled place we stay

Where we just wait it out

Watch us give too much away

Leaves you cold, ohh

Cold, ohhh

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

It's a troubled game we stage

Where we just play it out

Watch us give too much away

And we just wait it out

And the words you meant to say

And the words I gave away

Leaves you cold, ohhh

Cold, ohhh

Gemma Hayes ~ Hanging Around

Imagine this.
You find yourself, lost in a field of grass.
High enough, so as unable to foresee where you're headed.
Making turns, ending up going in circles.
Fear becomes you when you start to go weary.
Then it hits you hard that there is no chance to get out of this mess.
Stumbling on something, and you look at the ground.
Behold, a large curved knife before you.
Your instincts tell you to leave it and go on being lost.
Hesitant enough, picked up that curved knife.
Cutting the high grass, like sliced cake.
Easy peasy as ever.
Sweat flowing down your face,
As if in search of something out of this obstacle.
After going about half a mile out,
there appears to be something white in a distance of all that greenery.
You race to the bright glare.
And as you approach closer, there you find something so pure.
A gleaming with its delicate glow..
White and fluffy,
A baby bunny...clear as day.
A memory you would not like to forget
...ever.

The image appears continously in my mind.

The lines that come across once face, sullen, tight-lipped, notable sadness.

Traces of anger can be felt even behind the smudgy glass panes.

Weak in the mind to even face such an image.

To think that the amount of trust that one has place in another,

Can be mistaken for a betrayal.

That was not intended at all.

A different approach did not work.

Either the good nor negative way.

Lost in confusion with the amount of frustration that builds up by the minute.

The loneliness one has to endure.

Pressure fills the soul.

Heavy is the heart to the know that the other is..

Very bitter.

Could it be the recent incidents that took place?

Or that one was simply hearing out another friend in distress?

It would be sweet pleasure to see him smile again.

Even if it were for a second.

To be lucky if it were the whole day.

Sighing on the things that should have been done.

But unfortunately was not given a chance.

Leaving in silence.

Walking away to a better view.

Slipping away,

Just to stay out of trouble.

Lost in the end.

From a silly disagreement.

The colours of belief.

Drained out to nothingness.

Tough on the outside.

Frail to own up.

Mixed up with what cannot be fixed.

A note for forgiveness.

Thrown out like a paper plane,

gliding out the window.

Without a care in the world.

Percious time is gone.

Gone,

Going...

Gone.............*

Gomene tomodachi...so desu ne.

The more a secret is hidden, the more suffering one has to bear. I have experienced it all at once today. I even opened up to him, which is very rare...or you can say...almost never. Somehow today, perhaps even without twitching, I said what I had to say, without thinking twice. And it felt good to let it all out...almost everything that was bothering me for the past two months or so. The support and the criticisim that one has to endure, the tight-lip that one has to sustain in order for the stupid tears not to flow from one's face. Ahh...the sense of relief, to let it all out today. Good motivation for that 4-5 hours, and even when the tiredness showed on his face, a sense of willingness allowed to appear naturally. Oh thank you for being such a caring mentor..."Arigato gozaimasu ne!" I don't know what's come over me. The lack of knowledge and the courage that I need to pursue to get "there" does seem like a long run...tired will I be halfway, to catch up with the rest of the pro(s). Its like a saying comes to mind, survive the worst in the beginning, then it'll come as easy as a pie in the end. Hmm...you'll be wondering,"Is that even a saying? Where have I heard it?"



FIN ("o)

Imagine a world full of laterns! How bright the colours, the way people aren't at all distracted by it. A bucket of yer favourite beer, the cooling liquid flowing in to your pipes, the sound of bashing fried noodles at the kitchen...what more can you ask for? The whole reason to start of with these simple yet inviting words of, "Hey! Come on! Lets have a Beer!" is simply not to make you become an alcoholic or any reason you may think of. Rather, a sense of what you might do when being in a relaxed place, and just think of how you and your friends can finish off 3 buckets in one go. Hmm...I just jotting down what I imagine my friends and I would be doing at 4:00 in the afternoon. Well, at least on one particular friend. I finally admitted that I did not know the whole of that person in one sentence. Am I that mean? I do not know how to please the heart...is it by stroking it till it softens? Or do I have to check on it once in a while? However, I do not get the same response from the other, in the end just a note saying, "I'm ALL good! Thanks!" Geeweez, do I have to shout it from the mountain tops to make the person forgive me? Or do I have to beg for forgiveness in public? Either way, he will not forgive me..not now anyways. I know. A text msg won't be any use..nor would a phone call.. Sadness!

I don't want to get involve on the outside of people's lives. If I get invited in, then I may have to excuse myself and show myself out the door. I'm tired to know that I will always have to be in the middle of a crappy situation and in the end, I get blame for it. Its so STUPID! I didn't even ask for it...and I get all this crap for standing up for people and what's worst, to stand up for their nonsensical anthics....its MADNESS! Lunatics to even get me involve...sick and sad! Man! I sound so much like "maulit" now! BAKA!

Apologies on the outburst such as above, as I am in no state to even speak of the matter further. Yes, this is rather on code-ing now. I will put my mind at rest, as soon as my head hits the pillow...and to dream of that bright laterns once again... Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! JA!!