Do you see that picture? The one that can easily be taken at arms length. Do you see the smile that I bear? The one that deceives a friend from knowing what I really feel. Does the mixed emotion show upon my face? Can you tell if at that moment this candid shot was taken before the happy moments? Or prolly the worst ones? Its hard to tell. Even after looking at how vain a person can be, maybe I was happy for a minute or two. Does the anxiety show through my eyes? Or am I really blind sometimes? This was taken at my ex-store, the place of good times and somehow the past haunts me again, the moment I step into that very place. Funny how that turned out...that perhaps, taking a self candid shot was the only time I could be myself and express the true feelings flowing out through my veins. A smile turning into a smirk. A wink turning into a blink. After all the days, passing by like a flowing stream, it would be impossible to hold back the fears, passion, and the faith that is buried deep, deep down, somewhere in this little heart. Pathetic, yet convincing enough. So desu ne~ Ja mata ne! (-.-)"

• Pizza topping of pepperoni and loads of cheesy flavour.
• Vodka Iced with lemon sinking to the bottom of the glass.
• My moley moley Moleskine is a working progress and I scout for new designs when I can on the web.
• An Island that provides the utmost relaxing day (or even night *wink*wink*)
  
• No strings attached, not too keen on short term lurve either.
• Tired eyes, Brain fried but still manages to get up at six in the morning on most days.
• Priorities gone hair-wired, buffering alot these days.
  
• Furst time in 3 years, the toilet bowl at de' Ex-Store has totally been smashed by some giant piggy.
• Missed the eclipse last 22nd July 2009 at 8:48am...((DARN IT!!))
• Laptop on ze' next list of things to get...URGENT! (mostly cause me staff is prolly sick that I keep using theirs)
  
• Maulit's phone RAWKS!! It's a sony ericsson that costs around 1k *sniffles* with WIFI.
• Surprisingly, eating at the Asian Delight restaurant at Kota Kinabalu International Airport was pretty good.
• Famish as hell...gonna have Nasi Lemak with Fried Chicken. "GRrowL", says me stomach.
• A dead duck with so many things to do for the next month
• Might be half bald when the year is over... huhuhuhu...
• Needs a good pampering any where
• Getting a massage sounds SaWeet but then I might end up punching the person instead because of the pain
• A different kind of massage is ALWAYS welcomed *EviL Grin*
  
• Crusing in a Vespa is kinda cool, what's more if one was in Europe.
• Happier if things were as innocent as before, no lies, no worries, just Happy days.
• The more you see odd mugs on the top of La Marzocco, you'd know there are some faithful peeps dropping every once in awhile.
• Loving my Banana Republic Jacket, as it has thick layers and perhaps too comfy, my eyes are shutting to sleep.
• Checking out the CIOs when drinking at JUGS, Sutera Habour
• Commeting on skimpy clothes or weird clothing people wear when they're out clubbing.
• Wishing I can have a crop hairstyle...need to lose the fats..
• Mishing him...all over again...and he finally congratulated me on my promotion..AWwWww.
• Going to see him in October, oh calm the nerves now.
• Hopelessly devoted to him....up to now... I don't know why. Perhaps hoping something might turn out to be what I really want in Life.
• In a dilemma on whether it's the right thing to do...only one friend agrees with me that anyone should be given a chance to have a change in behaviour or rather reinforced one's goal to success.
• Violin lessons?? or Japanese Courses??
• Vacation Intentions: Phuket, Bali, Japan, New Zealand, Langkawi??? Yes PLEASE!
• Anime I mish watching for chillaxing purposes.
  
• Tattoo for pleasure or pain....nice to see, hell to pay in the next life
• Superstar Brown Leather Adidas Shoes: RM198 on promotion, till when? Uncertain.
• Line dancing is a fun way to get some exercise..
• Rapunzel-like hair....COMING SOON!
• Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi.... (-o-) ZzZzZzzzz...........*
  

If everything was simple enough to follow, if everyone had the most similiar thoughts running through their heads, and if everyone could look at each other the same way...wouldn't it be the sweetest thing ever...the smell of precious victory. If everything wasn't about the money, if everyone had the same kind of thinking that perhaps the good things that you did was the most achievable thing you ever did....wouldn't it be the most couragest thing anyone has ever done. I can't seem to understand half of what the people have to say...its like they talking in tongues...or perhaps mumbling to oneself about their lives...sadly speaking in codes that maybe only their soul mates can understand them. I can't help them as I myself am helpless in times of doubt.
Marshmellow noticed that the inner child in me is almost gone. That was perhaps the one thing I fail to realise... and in that moment I end up lost of words. Because I am evolving into a person I hardly even know and it hits me hard when she mentioned that to me. I just felt like I wanted to cry and perhaps I would feel awfully better. The strides taken to walk a little more further than a person usually does, becomes so far that I couldn't catch up...I was falling behind. I had lost sight of my friend who needed me the most, and I failed to catch up. Too caught up in my own dreary life, I fail to respond to the needs of others. Then again, life is complicated...yours and mine. We're in this big ferris wheel that keeps going round and round, only stopping for someone who wants to get on, or perhaps tired of life, jumping out, without any fear where he/she would land. But you and I, we decide to stay even if the ride becomes slow and we see the same scenery everyday. It becomes us, the ride becomes us...and we in turn; become vunerable. Looking at the ride as a waste of time, but yet it pays the bills. Not a mind reader, I can only take in little by little of what you feel. So please don't mention that there is something you'd like to talk about and just leave me stranded in the rain, I am only person, a friend you can try to count on...not a toy descarded on the shelf, with a torn shirt and cotton sticking out from places. I am frail to the point that there wasn't anyone to talk to, not a person who I could release my own ideas or dreams to. Those people have gone further than I've been. I can see them like a small image in a clear distance. Do I approach them at this point of time? No, instead I run the other direction, uncertain what I want to say...then, end up in a fallen pit, unable to get out. I so stranded at where I am, I believe to be waiting for time to pass by ever so quickly...nobody to count on, nobody to believe in, to hold my hand. They have gone their separate ways...It saddens me.

Days when you feel like a flightless bird is when no one pays attention to what you have to say or rather the other way around. You block out the sound and all that is polluting your brain. Your tired eyes droops down slowly, causing you to rub your eyes countless times, just to get the irritation away...to give you clear vision of what you want to see, in the dark.
I've been going back and forth to my ex store, perhaps just to gain some peace and quiet...rather to feel the wrath that haunts me every time I step into the store. Sure, sure, this place gives me the good and awful times that repeatedly plays in my mind, but the fact still remains...I can't let go of some past that I hope to the Good Lord would let my mind at rest. Meeting up with good friends have been a juggling act. Can't please everyone, and yet I feel as though I have sort of abandon some buddies along the way. I did not come to think of the problems that others are facing are the same ones that I had to go through previously and it gives me a heart ache that I can't only give them the surface of things that may come and in hope that they'll prepare themselves for the worst...but in good time...the better. The thought of resigning from decorating the lungs seems like an impossible act and yet, my peers seem not to judge me, well...not totally upfront of course. Heavens help me it this is what my heart desires, a life time of partners not performing well, or the other lot that thinks better of themselves in order to case down disapproving looks on fellow peers. Am I talking bout my own life time? No, not entirely because everyone has gone through the roughest and narrow path that they ever stumbled on, its amazing that some managed to swim through a load of jaws that seize the seas. Rubbish you say that I jotting down or a an encrypted word that probably needs some bright scientist to solve...it's just plain simple words that define the world today....or the freaking society. MAN! I have gone outta line...I do not mean to offend anyone...really that wasn't my intention.

The difference with this past life and now is that you'll never know when it's gonna end...in other words, you don't want it to end as it makes you feel every feeling all at once...talking bout anxieties, happiness, fear, hopefulness, carefree, and perhaps a little bit lonely too. I'm looking forward to things that may be a REAL obstacle my way and at other times, easy peasy...as pie. You have people coming in and out of your life as if there was a Formula 1 race going round and round the race track, and then, at the end of the race, the cars just drive home to victory...people move on and get married, have kids, grow old and live on. Unfortunately not all end up that way. Some are still lingering on, wishing that a few years would have done him/her good. Late nights, watching men pance around in short, skimpy dresses and you thought you could bet your good buddy to give'em a kish for just RM10, or maybe more RM20.55, for an extra tip. Darn tired but it was really fun to just watch them strut their stuff...haha, what a laugh. Then you have you're friends with different personalities, amazing your daily life and making it exiciting...even by commenting on John's NY2 Beef Lasagna: Lacking of fresh tender minced-meat, more layers of pasta, lack of tomato puri, and last but not least...MORE CHEESE!! Hehehe...
Having a whole mountainful of washing to finish, pending stuff to do, what is a "day off" again? I remember it means something...like relaxing in bed, being a potato couch, watching the tube and just taking an extra loOoOog bath....uhhhh!! That is one KICK ARSE off day....and now.....those days are gone....huhuhuhu...*
There are days when you want to be swallowed whole (no, not that pathetic movie; Drag Me To Hell...thumbs down to that) and just hide, and sleep forevermore. But when you get the rhythm to move to Black Eye Peas new song; I Got A Feeling...that's when you just hang loose and move to beat...it's like a Brand New Day...WooHoo...*
Then there's that HUGE amount of Ice Cream, topped with almonds and Hersey's Chocolate...UHhhh....YUMMY!! (^^,)
I'm turning fluffy by the day and it's not funny...huhuhuhu...oh well....guess it's back to line dancing...yippee!!

Driving at 80km per hour can have it's slow moments. One minute, to think you're driving fast then the next thing you have gone past the 120mark. Crazy enough to think listening to some random music from the past can make you slow down time. Then looking to your right, a man unable to hold his eagerness to pick at his nose. On your left, a lady breaking at anything that flies down from the trees (yes, even a leaf falling). If only they could wake up from their own world and realize that the world is watching them, with amazement. Flying would not be such a problem if everyone could have their own jet planes. An even better idea, cars that could turn into hovercrafts..perhaps.
I chatted with a friend today, he runs a fitness gym. Only today did he came up with thought that has been bugging him for the past few weeks. A person said to him,"Go get a vacation and stress it all out". Unable to figure out this weird saying, he went ahead with short trip for 3 days at a nearby duty-free island. Nothing much to see, just part of the beach owned by a resort where people are able to get sun baked in the nude. The other resort, a place to gain serenity and calmness. The whole time, he and a good friend of his had a choice of RM2.50 for a bottle of mineral water or RM1.00 for a can of beer. So two days in a row, drinking with a hangover the next day and driving aimlessly in a rented car, actually gave my friend to "stress it all out". The 3rd day was to catch the next bus and go in for next graveyard shift with a lil' hangover.
All I'm saying is that at this current state that I am in...that includes everyone that has gotten a new promotion or a new car can get you excited for that moment and the anxiety will hit when the process of forking out that wad of bills to pay (this includes the stress that comes with the promotion). The nervous breakdown I had to endure and had my close friend witness it, giving me the moral support, without even judging me...has made me maybe even more vulnerable to the fact that a lot of people are counting on me not to fail. *Aaggrhhh*
Day after day after day, the tasks to complete keeps piling up. I am not complaining but I really wish there was a 25hour clock that I can have at least a little more time. Yah yah...I know.."time management, Aya-chan. Get it straighten out". *Sigh* Yes I am not optimus prime where I can get all robotic and get no sleep. I'm still a human,people!! OMG (as the partners keep saying) that I am actually complaining without even realizing it. No, I am "so" not erasing what I have to say because I want to let it out...as in "stress it out"; since I am granted NO holiday anytime soon, nor can I perform any victory dance at this point of time. *sniffles* SADNESS!!

Hmm..getting to stressed out on these petty things. The biggest challenge is probably to uphold family values (going to church, debts to be paid on time, proceed on with the business that the family is in, to be involved in village activities, etc) and having the family understand the situation I'm in, especially from otosan. *sigh*

As of now, its actually two hidden in the number 1...not to think negatively but I'm a dead duck! Head under water...for real! SUGOI!!