Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

The things people do these days just to get things in order, organised, and to achieve the fullest potential that they can go, is prolly the hardest thing a human being can do. Why?? It is because they have to constantly motivate themselves if not from others but by themselves in order to reach the specific results needed. Today I have shamed myself infront of my peers, my management, my friends and mostly, infront of my DM. I have not allowed myself to regain the strength needed to show that I am capable of maintaining the store's ambiance, instead, I decided to give up and not pull through. Was I giving it up, just so that I did not have to tackle any challenge that comes my way?? Was it the best solution to say that I am vunerable and let my partners see that I am not well knowledegable?? I do not care less that the other people that I used to know have taken a sore feeling towards me because even if every month I do need their help, the same advantage has been taken against me. So I would call that fair and square. By far, I am also trying to survive in this bloody business, to save my team's ass before theirs and to know that my team may have their flaws but does not mean they cannot reach to the top. I know I have not set any directions for my team, and that is why I can't say much at this point of time. Yes, the lack of communication is really to the point where one would feel helpless and at the same time too proud to ask for help. Blah blah blah, star skills and such, it all boils down to how the team is not at all communicating at the same sound wave. Its true. The leader has yet to learn all the skills and have the knowledge capacity to teach the unfortunate to develop such skills in order not to be left behind. The fact that the guidance from way before has not been an A+ coaching as it was more of a rush-rush process resulting in not held by the hand, rather left for the kill. Left stranded and the initiative done was more on a trial and error basis. FIN (-.-)

Do i regret ever climbing my way up in this business so damn fast that I fall even deeper into a pile of depression?? I cannot answer that now. Its very challenging to get to this part and have countless complains going in and out of the ears till you're practically bleeding from all holes. I will be officially run down, scrambled and roasted till a burnt smell stenches the whole place. Motivation?? HAH!! Feel less and less motivated to work in this line...its like I hate dancing already! SheeshKebab!! Never satisfied as we can never get what we want and in the end the complains go on and on and on...fer days! Perfection was never in my vocab, I do not see it in any of the people I know. Really, there are flaws sticking out like a sore thumb and yet still go around proclaiming how great one can be...GAWSH!! Remember reading my last few jotters about wanting to break free...blah blah blah...NO seriously! I had enough! I just want O-U-T!! If I am unfit for the freaking job, sue me. I am up to here...no here...wait! To the top of my head with the endless trackings! SHITONME...Im Freaking exhausted to do all this. Cut down on the costs, reduce wastage, more input in this, that...ARGHHHHH!!! I am tired, so is every single partner in my own bloody store. I don't want the store, I can hand it back, I am sacrificing every energy I have in this frumpy body of mine to keep up with the stoopid demands! And to deal with the slumber ones, the no show no call, annoying little bugger with endless questions with 101 "I don't know" antics...its TOTALLY INSANE!! I am dealing with a rowdy crowd here. No, I do not expect you to care...really, I don't. So even if tomorrow is going to be DOOMS day, I will not give up in thriving and getting somewhere...even if it takes me like snail mode but there is a positivity glowing somewhere it stings my skin. Yes, I am a bit mad and if my team can get a little crazy at all possible seconds, then I know I am not alone. SUGOI!!

It tasted very bland, not a hint of sweetness was detected. And yet I come here to get a sense of peace for the mind, just to chillax and unwind. I don't expect this place to be my hide out nor a place to spy on the compeditor. I learn on how my store can improve on learning the hiccups that happen else where. No, observing what is laid out in the next sister store will not really help you out. Its more like you have been observed to spy on the other, which is not productive for me, cause in the end, bad mouthing the other is bad for business. So I come here either with friends or not, just to observe the music ambiance, the culture, and also the comfort. Although they could use a new set of sofas and more power points for laptops, because seriously, an opportunity for them. Sadly, I will not point that out to the staff here, because in the end I'm just encouraging more business input for them. So I am just gonna sit here and not tell a single soul on my intentions. I have decided to stay on with my desire that I prayed to God to grant me and bless me with, and hopefully not to disappoint him. A whole lot of people that I've not been attending to, nor have I taken heed on their pleas. I've not been a good listener these days. Gomene tomodachi *sniffles* The thing that has been bothering me for the past three months (and more months to come) is that there is always that particular barrier that separates me from them. The young kids to bring up, the scandalous antics done, the uncanny drugs that pulls everyone together and keeps silent when you're up close, it agitates me so. I really dislike the freaking feeling but I do not want to point that out. The whole disadvantage of being too nice is that you'll be taken for granted. Like seriously, its a pain in the jabroni!! Fortunately, I do not bother myself with that, though it hurts like billy-O to be left out on the topic. The eyes of not wanting one to stay, rather go do something a freshman would do...to act "DUH!" and to not ask too many questions. That is soOo uncalled for! *Sigh* Why do I even care about this petty things? Its because at the end of everything, there is that particular LOOK on that face that says,"Get it right already! I'm tired to cover your stupid mistakes just so that you could get a better look on yer two feet!" Sorry, I am not the kind of person to get it right immediately. Yeah, I tend to slack but doesn't mean I'm not going through the process of my learning development. So much expectations weight on my shoulders, mentally draining me out, feels like I just want to give up. Then again, I've gotten this far just to throw it all away? Half-heartedly, I am intending to stay a wee lil' longer, just to get to where I want to be. It's gonna be a long winding road, but by GEORGE! I'll get there somehow..one day at a time.

I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.