I did not cry much the day she passed away
Always thought that I could buy myself time to see her when I was not busy
Even then I did not grew close to her
And to regret it would be useless
I used to think that her world revolves around me
That I was her favourite grandchild
Needless to say that I was winning a losing battle
To compete with countless cousins that were born
Earlier and ending up much cuter than me
I was always in the back seat
Not really caring in the world that I was "one" of the grandchildren
Who's grandma had loads of children to cuddle & hug with
There was a time I wrote letters to her
It was pleasant and sweet
Just like I had a pen pal to write to,
Every now and then
Was it I who grew up too fast to find new friends,
To forget such a caring woman such as herself?
The letters stopped coming and going
Our lives went a little too much forward
For now that I weep with my family members
To have lost a wonderful person such as my grandmother
Perhaps it would never be okay
To see a grown man cry
Or a young girl to cry her eyes out
For the sister, wife, mother, cousin, grandma, great grandma
Who wishes to be remembered
Like the way she was alive and healthy
The thought of God bringing her to a safer place
A place where one would call it their paradise
Is finally coming to a close
As the prayers and days are almost up
for crucial parts towards the passing
These are the times that in every heart of every person
There is a sense of loss
Yet the need to grow happier for
the wonderful woman that Grandma
Has always been and
Forever shall be....

I mish you so much even if my actions don't show it....

Rest In Peace, Grandma...

...you won't be forgotten

Sixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

Just a song we shared, I'll hear

Brings memories back when you were here

Of your smiles, your easy laughter

Of your kiss, those moments after

I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

Of the dreams we dreamt together

Of the love we vowed would never

Melt like snowSixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

flakes in the sun

My days now end as they begun:

With thoughts of you

And I think of you

And think of you

Down the streets I walked with you

Seeing others doing things we do

Now these thoughts are haunting me

Of how complete I used to be

And in these times that we're apart

I'll hear this song that breaks my heart

And think of you

And I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

And I do

i wish to tell you

what lays deep in this

tragic heart of mine

a longing

of some sort

its difficult to put into words

i can't describe it

very well to you

envious

of others living

a great deal of a life

though may trouble arise

but it is still

the togetherness of love ones

that brings this

weight

to this heavy heart

Was it the way that the annoying one got to my mind and played countless tricks on me?

Was it that cheeky smile, and have one’s teeth stick out oddly cute?

Was it the small talk that got to the brain and made me think more and more?

Or was it because my heart was so moved that it couldn’t stay away?

Darn it!

I want to stay away but every time it gets more intense

Then I’m helplessly falling

Deeper and deeper, it is hard to climb out

Always I tell myself I will get out of it the next day

But it never comes

As I’m drawn to this younger soul

An attached one for that matter

Then this weight is getting bigger by the minute

It is hard to avoid the fact that I am in love with this being

I can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore

It is as if I am blinded

Walking aimlessly with a cloud over my head

Then one day as if it was meant to be

Her heart was deceived so badly

For the second time

And this time it was the tears that flowed non-stop

For a friend to be a foe

To watch such a fragile person suffer

This veins pumping blood

As thick as one can get

The soul longer can't contain this pathetic desire

Dressed in rags

What a pity, what a sham

What's the matter with your man?

It will come back to me

This thing called Karma

And I will feel it the most

Whimpering soul is terrified to its wits

I am only human...*

Its the simple words that has the mind
fragments messed up and
perhaps has made one dillusional
on the petty things we want
from each other.
Yes, we tend to say things when
we're waiting
and waiting,
and waiting some more.
Still we get this
dead silence for waiting that long.
*.............................................................................................*
The person at fault never admits
what one has to say,
sadness that I
too am speechless on what
I have to say.
Rather, I let the other
hold on to the hope too long
and one has grown tired
of my foolish antics
and words.
I rather one to move on,
and whatever the feeling of regret
be put aside and
just us to remain as comrades in this lifetime.
After all,
the words not displayed clearly
can lead to further assumptions.
So to not waste anymore
time of men,
let us be off with this
accusations and move on with life.
Even if you're ready
to move on and say your last goodbyes..
I will still be waiting
with open arms,
my deah, deah, friend.


Till next time, Ja mata ne!!

*chargers to whip up a fluffy cream-o. Artist inspired by Yebster, Will-I-am and Boonch (^^,) *

How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

The need to wake up in the morning where no noise can harm me. A place of serenity and peace. Do i wish that no familiar voice to disturb me with a "hush" or even, "wake up! lunch is served!" kind of sound? Weary are the tired eyes to the back of my aching head, the restless body mangle walking around like a lifeless body. Running here and there, driving aimlessly and nearly meeting with an accident. Thoughts of unsettled things to perform is eating me up slowly. I am wasting my days slowly, tired of useless words that shouldn't haven't been asked or even mentioned. I am losing my hearing of what lays important, and yet i show no concern at all. Wasted, effortlessly wandering around. Taking it all in as if there was nothing to grasp on to. The motivation to achieve one's goal, is twisted. My eyes get blurry now, like a film covering the lens. Shutting my eyes, hurt so much that I can barely stay awake. Just want to feel the weight on my eyes and typing down what is left in this membrane. He looks tired of staring at my face for days. She wants to follow her parents wishes but dares not think of leaving the place where she calls her "alone" time with herself apart from personal contact. I don't wish to take any action on what is to come, i rather it swallow me whole. To eat me in one big gulp and let me rest peacefully. Chotto matte...let my eyes rest for abit. My mind is racing, telling me to rest, just awhile, a little bit more. Then a message pops...I find myself responding to it, and even now I can't seem to focus very well. Pulling the black soft hood over my face, to hide from disgrace that arises every now and then. Waiting in vain to what may not happen or to what has been done. And i don't want to bother with petty things. I want to fall further, deeper, closer to nothingness...even if i were to end up in a complex pile of sand. I'm not worried, im restless. What I am to you is not what I need. Dragging my feet to walk a mile more to a destination, to keep silent with my head lower to the ground. To keep behind the covers, and cry there. For awhile and never look what is taking place downstairs. Place the pillows over my ears to block out the sound, to keep the glaring light from entering in. Serentiy has slowly sprinkled over my head...peacefully I shut my eyes...saying,"Oyasumi Baka San!"

Imagine a world full of laterns! How bright the colours, the way people aren't at all distracted by it. A bucket of yer favourite beer, the cooling liquid flowing in to your pipes, the sound of bashing fried noodles at the kitchen...what more can you ask for? The whole reason to start of with these simple yet inviting words of, "Hey! Come on! Lets have a Beer!" is simply not to make you become an alcoholic or any reason you may think of. Rather, a sense of what you might do when being in a relaxed place, and just think of how you and your friends can finish off 3 buckets in one go. Hmm...I just jotting down what I imagine my friends and I would be doing at 4:00 in the afternoon. Well, at least on one particular friend. I finally admitted that I did not know the whole of that person in one sentence. Am I that mean? I do not know how to please the heart...is it by stroking it till it softens? Or do I have to check on it once in a while? However, I do not get the same response from the other, in the end just a note saying, "I'm ALL good! Thanks!" Geeweez, do I have to shout it from the mountain tops to make the person forgive me? Or do I have to beg for forgiveness in public? Either way, he will not forgive me..not now anyways. I know. A text msg won't be any use..nor would a phone call.. Sadness!

I don't want to get involve on the outside of people's lives. If I get invited in, then I may have to excuse myself and show myself out the door. I'm tired to know that I will always have to be in the middle of a crappy situation and in the end, I get blame for it. Its so STUPID! I didn't even ask for it...and I get all this crap for standing up for people and what's worst, to stand up for their nonsensical anthics....its MADNESS! Lunatics to even get me involve...sick and sad! Man! I sound so much like "maulit" now! BAKA!

Apologies on the outburst such as above, as I am in no state to even speak of the matter further. Yes, this is rather on code-ing now. I will put my mind at rest, as soon as my head hits the pillow...and to dream of that bright laterns once again... Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! JA!!

Walking aimlessly...pondering on how to get by this...forgiveness can be displayed perfectly...and yet here the lurve one goes away...leaving imprints of kisses on this shirt. How smooth and easily fooled can a naive gurl get, even at her age...just like that. The weight is bearable some days...and yet one wants to be in a relationship because fear takes over and the thought of ending up alone, even for a moment in his life...can lead to suicidal. He takes her hand only when it is necessary, as others watched her glow the inner beauty...but behind that smile, she is down right confused, lost of words...wanting to get it over with...to get hitched. He looked for a sign, anything to bring her back. To no avail...they both wanted different things from each other. Just a sense of peace that perhaps brought them together for that pathetic, screwed up yet sweet moment. Then BOOM! Waking up to see that it was a mistake. He loved someone else. The love he gave ended up being the thing she tried to hold on to...something stupid. So falling from grace...she's still moving on.

And he left a long time ahead. Falling deep...slowly *