Skittles....red, yellow, green, orange.... Skittles....red for a make up flavour.... Skittles....yellow for the sunshine........ Skittles....green for that sour apple..... Skittles....orange is seriously juicy....... So take your pick before its too late.

It is late...almost 11pm and Im getting the best news that I've been waiting for almost 2 years now. Sadly that it could have worked out but to accept the other's feelings towards something that was more priceless to be sold, the comfort you gave is enough for me now. The feelings that was felt, rendered in the hearts of you and me...a feeling, only felt for a sweet moment that could describe as the most precious thing for me to hold close. It really is alright that we have closed one door and opened another, just to feel a little sane. Yes it was unbearable to wear, and we were going round in circles with this thing we called love, but hardly spoke of it to each other. Then when finally, today the words came out, clear as day. At last we admitted that it was the feeling that kept us from conveying the truth to each other, perhaps a little too late and your heart is closed. Teary eyed? Maybe just a little, on the way to pick you up to go investigate Sherlock Holmes..hahaha, that was laugh. Thumbs up to that movie, clearly planned out properly. I wish I had skittles to munch on....I had a good night out with you. Thank you darls....

Drops of rain is gorgeous for anyone to observe and to breathe in. It doesn't require any skill to take a perfect shot nor a perfect spot to paint a picture. I am reminded of the times when everything was beautiful and the air was sweet to inhale, a friend you could embrace so dearly. See her eyes, weary and cold. Hold his hand, rough from all the hard work done. Watch her breathe, delicate enough to hear the warmth in her voice. Feel his heart, pounding like a rock on hard surface. The many things that when we finally step in the rain, and to close ones' eyes, to stretch her hairs wide open and let the rain fall on her pale skin, her face, her hair. He stands there, watching with a wonderous gaze, he is calm and collected. Hands touch, and soon, both are embracing to the music of the rain. Bare feet on the ground, the chill that runs up the spine, we are almost there. We are almost there where we want to be and with your permission, securely hold my hand so I won't fall.

There are many things that people would want to run away from. The many things could lead to disaster, sometimes happiness, and also would end up in nothingness. My friends are moving on with their lives. Many because of being threaten of their position. Others have moved on because of their love ones. Most of them, because of their friends. Its funny how things work out. The moment when I claim that I would get away from this forsaken company, perhaps has made it a worst state in this environment, making it the start of every problem, and soon everyone has set their minds to leave from this line of work. Its the part where I have this quezy guilt in my gut for starting it all. Is it entirely his fault that we're leaving just to make him feel at his worst?? I'm staying on till I get a better opportunity. I may not be at my best conduct nor do I like any of his antics that he does, but he is afterall human. It saddens me that my former boss is leaving. By the 1st week of February, the ones that were close to me, will leave like the mists that stays in the air until the sun shines through and the mists thins, will fade out. Just like this passion to stay on, will fade out. So desu ne...nani??

To understand what it feels to be left out in the rain
and to be taken in, to realize
that all that we know in this life is to simply trust
and not to splurge on things we want
but rather on what we need.

We fail miserably when we blow out all the candles
and risk stumbling aimlessly,
falling at most times,
with dirty hands and torn clothes.

Then when its time to wake up
to smell the freedom that lingers in the air
for that one person
to simply reach out
and grasp hold onto it...
it would definitely be a day
that I would want to be
the one to do that.

Because "saving" is what I need

How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

I really couldn't wait to get out of my own country and actually welcome peninsular as my escape from the reality world. To be away from the hectic schedule, away from people that I spend 24/7 with, to be away entirely from the headache and heartache that has been eating me up slowly for the past 3 years. Yes, finally I could get away and breathe little by little intake of oxygen and just be on HOLS with the fams. Brader couldn't make it with us this trip and that's okay. Actually, missed the flight by ONE freaking day, due to sistah's hiccup and busy schedule. A loss on RM502 just madly and desperately wanting to escape this place, even if it were just for 5 days. The thing is, it will appear that I do not want to continue on this journey of self- discovery because after all, it came to a conclusion that this is not the kind of life that I want to look up to for the rest of my life. "Spark" has been doing most my work load and I am grateful for that. "Deah" couldn't care less on the things that are vital just because I have a shitless attitude at the mo. I mean seriously, Spark has been the person who understands me and has been my mental support, to the extend that he's doing all for me...in order that I do not leave this forsaken company!! I got all teary-eyed just trying to console him while I'm here on vacation with my fams...but at the same time, I just want this nonscensical lifestyle to be OVER!! I mean, how can you as a person try to maintain all your partners to stay on, and yet the workload is unbearable that the GOOD ones want to leave? I'm not saying me for say. I'm saying that the system is getting way on top of one's head that one does not progress the way that she should be progressing! Its' insane to know that every little thing is been recorded and with the freaking variance countable for, makes the anxiety attacks more frequent than ever. It is something that one finally realizes that as one progresses further up in the company, it is no longer praise worthy of, rather the efforts done are all in vain, which includes trying to keep up with the freaking time frame and at the same time to allow another deadline to overcome the mind, which is equal to a person's mental state! This job is for the obsessed, the "Gung-Ho" people and for those who see this as a dead end to life's financial freedom. If a re-shufflement is to be made within this period, I welcome it very much but I will wash my hands clean to move on. The people that comes to mind will leave me at ease and soon, I will start over to the next chapter in life.




FIN..

There would be a day when I will look through the glass panels of the store and will not be able to imagine what they do behind closed doors. It would be the time when the slightlest problem that I will not be able to help any of my friends with. It will be the time when I can only reach the nearest is at that wooden door that separates all baristas from ex- partners. It will be the time when I will not be able to smile from the bar at the customer and say,"How was your day sir/ miss?" or even," I didn't catch your name just now. Are you from around here? How was your flight from your country?" It will be the time when I can finally be THE customer and get response from the baristas that will greet me within the 30 seconds time frame and call out the drinks within 3 minutes. It will be the time when I can finally relax in normal clothes and surf the net endlessly, provided the WIFI is in excellent mode. Then there would be sad and undenialble part where I will feel utterly regret on the deepest side of my heart that I left out of frustration and not satisfation. However, there would be a sense of freedom, a sure peaceful and huge relief that will flow through this aching bones. This patience is wearing me out, as I look forward to it more to get a break and not struggle to keep up with nonsensical trackings, cost saving of labour and products, no more perishable goods nor any more of wasting time on following up with people who have no intention to have a tie-in with you, rather that you would fade out, without any hesitation. It will be time when I can sit down, chillaxs and focus on the important details to why people would love to work in this line and yet complain that it doesn't pay enough. Some to the extend to saying that it's like going back to school, and going through learning again and perhaps is troublesome for them. Learning process is good but to get to the top where you have to impress the people who don't care two hoots to what you're trying to achieve and rather focus more on your faults, then by all means, this means this kind of profession is not for the either one of us. The yearning to just be at the bar, to perfect that handcrafted beverage or even to get that yummy sandwich for only RM11.90 before tax in your tummy is all there is to being a barista. This position to be a barista up to management level and making sure the customers keep their complains to themselves is all that the top bosses care in this line. To deliver the experience and have "measurable" results is utterly hard to swallow and yet, you can get a letter for not performing. "To quit is to be a loser at your own game" as what my friend has said to me and somehow, I answered that perhaps that is what I want to end up as...a person to lose to all the challenges that displays before me because I have had enough of all the ragging, endless nagging, and wanting to save one's ass from getting fried from the upper deck. Perhaps the opportunity lies better in the hands of those who are still loyal to this company. Is it ever different in other parts of the world? That you have to tell me yourself as I have yet to work where you are now. As of now, the whole main idea is to break free from this endless shifts and coming to work even on off days. This nonsensical routine will cease to exist and I will not have to look at another unapproved disgusted look from such person, ever.

So desu ne....JA!!

Tis the season to be Jolly...??


Hah...yah i will be jolly when I can scout for a new job and be done and over with this fantabulous company. There's a need to move on, after all it has been 3 years running and I am nowhere happy with this kind of life any more. Yah, the training benefits of travelling and learning, coaching and being a mentor of my own store...that is not my dream anymore. The longing to settle down, to get a beach house and drive a etty-bitty car is sufficient for me. The yearning to be in the Lime light once and for all with my siblings is all I can ask for. Having the parentals agreeing to it, and even my oldest sister, Nut2 supporting this very reason to leave Starbucks Coffee Malaysia is all I ever wished for.

So this is my new year's resolution: 1) Get an office job...office hours that is..hehe. 2) Get a night job as a contract singer. 3) Spending time and getting more close-nitted with my family & relatives. 4) To go for those random weddings and perhaps sadly to get a soul mate some where in that function. 5) To have all the time to myself, catching up on learning Japanese, art crafts, scrapbooking, etc.

Nut2 said the fams is praying that I end up with some Auzzie fellow, and although I am hoping for any guy to appear, I have decided that it perhaps is not my fate to be in a realtionship during this point of time. Why you might ask? First and foremost, I do not want to end up love-dovey and be floating on cloud 9 and get hurt again. Hahha...yah fear tends to creep up my skin everytime I allow myself to be lead on. The other part is, I do not look forward to hurting the person either, which in the end will make me have anxiety attacks and be more frustrated with such a person, and also disappointing myself in the end.

Back to my "wanting" to move on....

And so, im tired to try to make it in this company. It has been 3 years, 1 month and 8 days have I been trying to keep my cool in this line. So lets break it down...I want O-U-T!!!

Introducing to you my latest addiction thanks to one of my partners at Starbucks Coffee; One Borneo 1. This here on the right is a game/ application that you can waste your time on. Basically if you don't fancy fishes as REAL pets, you can settle for an online pet with the Happy Aquarium game only on www.facebook.com. As you can see there, all the sea animals that mostly would survive in salt water can also be displayed in such an aquarium like this one. In this application, in order for one to go up a level, one needs to clean tanks (of friends) and collect (or more like steal) friend's treasure chest in order for one to purchase all kinds of things from the store; such as the props, seaweed decos, fish food (most, most importante), and if yer lucky, to save the unfortunate turtle or squid from being a sliced from the sushi chef. However, one is unable to adopt the turtle or squid that one has save from being a human's meal, so all one has to do is go into friends' profile to adopt such pet/s. Now, normally you will get GOLD coins when taking from friends' treasure chest, but one is also able to get hands on PEARLS which enables the one to purchase even more exclusive crops, props, seaweed decos, wallpaper, and also the one recently introduced in the application is the Seahorse, a Mermaid, and a Hamster with Snorkels. It is an A++ application where you can ease yer mind after a tired days work or rather just to aim for Level 32 and get that Oyster which opens and shuts the valuable pearls inside the mouth. It is really an exciting game, even you would let the lil' kiddies to play it all day long. I will keep you posted on how far I can go in this application. The ones that I browsed through on YouTube, people have gone as far as Level 103 with this game and also with cheats or rather, TIPS on getting more coins and increasing levels within minutes. I'm on level 24 now and have been playing this game for 4 weeks now. Hehehe..no I'm not as fanatic as my other friend, as she's online 24/7 just to take care of her fishies, hence the word comes out again...ADDICTION!! That's all for now....Stay tuned.


Ja Mata Ne, Tomodachi ne! (^^,)

This is what you call ole skul travelling...hoho. The classic one, where you can feel in the wind in you hair, sun on yer skin and also the rain on yer feet. Not many places in Malaysia use this means of transportation as it meant more for sight seeing in slow mode. Mostly the average kind of person would still use this as his/her means of survival. I would enjoy this kind of good contraption as a easy lifestyle and would use it to bring my fellow friends if the fancy car broke down some where in town. Desert my fancy car for this contraption?? Hehehe...perhaps I would. Took this picture in Penang, at Batu Feringgi where the folks still use this till today. And may they still use it for many more years to come. A nice contraption...deah deah Rickshaw

Mostly when people do their blogging,
usually it would be done somewhere you would
feel the utmost comfort ever.
Some would pick that crappy chair at work,
others would perfer to sit
on that musty smelly
green ole sofa chair you
can find at yer favourite coffee cafe.
For example, where would you
find a More Chips, Chips More cookie
in a Starbucks outlet like this one?
Haha...you gotta buy yer own
cookie of course, you dimwit.
*Giggles* you fell for that, eh?
This oversize, close up picture
of a cookie can look pretty good fer
my friend here, Lan.
We were just hanging out, ya know,
surfing the net, mostly going on FB and
checking what people have to say
about their daily worries, or
even bufdays.

The picture here on the left is the HomeMade Bread
that Mum and I
did at home. Yummy!!! I love the top, that everyone in my family..
practically fights for
because its the best part.
Soft, crunchy,
and is best spread over with butter with peanut butter.
Uhhh...heaven is what I taste!

The goodness of having such a machine at home is when punching the timer for
the bread to bake in the middle of the
night, and when you dream,
it's like floating on the a cloud
smelling the heavenly aroma of the
bread baking downstairs.
Then in the morning,
with deep satisfaction, having Mum slicing the bread
for the whole family to
eat.
Ahhhh....a deep relief
on having not to spend on the loaf of bread
you buy at yer local supermarket.
Swell, aromatic smell of coffee, plus butter
fresh from the fridge, and
spreading it on every inch of that slice of bread.
Mum's know best...on how to make
yer day.
Really...get your own bread maker TODAY!!


*wink*wink* SUGOI!!!

There are many things that I want to say and do. Sometimes I can't find the time to justify myself when others are hovering over me, or either smothering me with petty cries and laughter. It is true that I do zone out to the detail stuff but even the simplest information mentioned to me, I actually realise at the last minute that I block out all that stuff too. Never meant to do all that, but its these tired eyes, mind and heart that start to go weary. The soles on the side of my left foot is dry, perhaps from callus (ewww...) and to make it more attractive, I have added suave pink to my toenails..all 10 of me toes. Looks good, since I've been growing my toenails long. I find myself forgiving my heart, mind and soul when I hugged my deah friend, Tita as we had a row just a few days ago. Stupid quarrel spat that could have been settled in a matter of minutes, but ended up being torn off for that few days that seemed like eternity to me...and her. Perhaps this time, with my friend, we realise the things we did to others that really hurt to the bone like Billy-O and when I saw her today, and simply asked her "Merjuk kah masih??"...it all fell into place, as if we were saying, "I'm sorry, deah friend. Will you ever forgive me for hurting you bad?" We embraced and tightly held eachother as if the world was falling from all sides. We cried and laughed about it, and it was all okay. Whether it ended up to be her fault or mine, the whole of me was utterly guilty and was distraught the last few days when we had the nonsensical arguement. *Sigh* Never again do I want to feel that shitty with anyone...for a while, that is.

So if all the times you see my toes, painted in suave pink...you'll know that I've gone all soft hearted with life... so desu ne`

Do you know the main reason why people blog alot these days?
I mean the main reason...do you know?
Mostly bout their lives,
from their football matches,
their boyfriends and their girlfriends' boyfriends,
to adverts and commercials,
to funny jokes and also to the extend of dirty ones too,
mostly also about their "Dear Diary"
Some even have " Dear Number 8 Ball",
then there's the one bout their failed realationships,
to the ones that actually work out (or made out sessions),
some even talk to the skankiest things,
there's also the one that I came across on
how to write out a blog in a different language..
meaning like all those funny sounds and snorts even,
then there are the ones that are
encrypted with secrets,
codes and such,
so do you know what you actually look for
when blogging bout things,
or rather; steal ideas from other bloggers
just to add depth to your fantabulous phrase of the day??

*SIGH*

The whole idea of it all..
the whole point of blogging
is to Express yourself,
to Justify oneself,
to let it all out with words,
to Stress on the painful events,
to Scream and weep at the same time just
reading about the love one that
did not make it in this world.
Blogging allows oneself to say the
words that can never be said
to him.
To announce about
the birth of that lovely child,
that was in the womb for the whole 9 months,
on how the baby shower went.
Sharing pictures and visuals
of travels and those
heavenly beaches,
babes and to get soaked in the sun.

Those are the kind of things,
perhaps that people nowadays
"would"
blog about, and so
blogging bout blogging
can end up like a circle that doesn't end.
It goes round..
and will never come to a stop.

SO
Happy Blogging Ya'aLL.

Special thanks to those
people with great minds
in having the "Umph!"
in blogstering,
mostly...on the life we lead.

You RAWK!!
((you may now give yerself a pat on the back for good reading on this short read))


KotoHuadan TagaZo...BiG THANKS!!

The sky was as blue as the ocean. Waves splashing on the beach. It was a lovely evening. Too good to be a dream. Yes, the dream that played repeatedly in my mind. The day was 25th February, a day of confusion, mixed emotions, and pure happiness. Of all the things that I felt that day, it was all that was, a moment to remember. And yet, each time to be looking at him, to smell his scent, was unbearable to the point that I went speechless. Talking of things that were out of the blue, words that were trying to reach the heart, and I, ended up confunded as I could not read his actions, nor his mind or his heart.
This is "HE", the one that smiles so, that is as warm as a hug on a cold winter's day. One can get carried away with the things and just float on fluffy cloud. Taken at Sutera Habour, there we were just admiring the breath-taking view of the ocean. There were alot of tourists there...but the sounds from his breathing in the air, talking away, and humming a tune were as peaceful to the waves that was splashing on the rocks. I mish him already.
I finally touchdown at Penang for the first time in 24 years. It is a great place to getaway, a place to relax yer mind. There were a number of nice tourists spots that were uncovered by my friend there, and also by mah deah. Although with the limited time there, and that he has moved on, it was a pleasant feel to the trip with him. He brought me to the Kuan Yin Temple and showed me the Pagoda Buidling. Then also after that, we went to Bukit Bendera at Penang Hill, where we took a cable car up with loads of people visiting that day. It was our first time, and also for him. He enjoyed it. Funny though, after his work partner passed on, he picked up the habit of decorating the lungs. Pity though. I always knew him to be a non-smoker. He's more observant and would not show signs of wanting to be more than comfortable. The many times that I wanted to hold his hand, but I did not. Seems the whole ordeal was abit akward for him, as it was not for me. So we just casually sat close to each other, laughed bout the old times, chatted about what is to come for the same company that we worked in. It was pure innocence and yet, all I wanted to do was hold him once more. Till the end, he was still a gentleman, treating me like the way it was in the year 2007. I close my eyes up till today, just for a few minutes, to reminse on those precious moments, of him being "ERIC"...my friend, my heart.




I heart thee......

Here in Penang (Pulau Pinang) for the first time in mah life. Away from home from the 12-16th October 2009, with so much expectations, tensions, laughter, planting, kick in the mud, rained on, anxieties, scenery, heritage sighting, anticipation, christmas tree making, buffet with lots of cornflakes, scramble eggs, GOoOooOOod coffee, decorating of the lungs, initiating conversations with people (tried with snotty ones: challenging), surfing the net, visitation of stores at Gurney tower, Juro Auto city and hopefully some stores today. The insert on the right is the view from where I stayed with my Starbucks Coffee partners, at Sri Sayang Apartments, Batu Fringgi. This view was taken from the 24th floor, and it is absolutely breath-taking. Right now, everyone's online surfing, everyone as in Kay, Mel, Moy, Gurie, Dee (perviously from KK district), and myself. The only one missing is Ron who had to rush down to Kuala Lumpur to be with his wife and only daughter. His daughter just recovered from an operation, something to do with their little girl's lung/ heart. Pity the sweetheart, as she is only 8 months this October, but a REAL fighter.
I went Penang sighting for old buildings that were done in the 1920s, creepy old house that used to be a maternity house and the rest of that story goes on (still gives me the shivers). Also got to see the "Leaning Clock Tower" situated in the old town area. My good friend, Rudy showed me around Penang Island, and told me that the 5 years he's been staying here, he has seen alot of changes that even the locals don't realise. Expats (although I have nothing against them staying in Malaysia) have been buying up the old buildings and have moved in. However, the way they have furnished the place has not lived up to the heritage, and has more of a modern look. Now, how would I know all these if it weren't for him. He has created more insight that it was too bad that I had woken up way too early that day, and was soon biting my lip to stay awake. Sorry dude! Mean of me...hehe. But we managed to cover most of the great look-out spots, that even your tour guide wouldn't bring ya to. From the low land to top of the hill we went. Sceptical about hawker stalls?? Well, to be honest those stalls are the best tasting dishes that you can try from Penang..the real taste of Hokkien Mee, Penang Laksa and others (me stomach's growling at the thought of those dishes I tried...huhuhu), blended Grape drinks (weird huh?)..all these apart from the daily Nasi Kandar, the dishes that is with all mixed food, veges, and everything; these you can get at the Mamak stalls in Penang.
Also visited the Kuan Yin Temple and Pagoda Temple...LONG CLIMB...Giler! Went to the Penang Hilltop, at Bukit Bendera...famous for the many weddings held there (thru reliable source), and you got to take a slow train/ cable car up to about 700++ meters high. Nice view, seems like as how Eric mentioned it like "Cameron Highlands". To me, it was just like on a hill...SUGOI!! After all that hiking and sitting, plus more time for oxygen breaks, we headed to Gurney Plaza to grab some food to bite at PizzaMania. Seems too good to be true, as there are still some sane gentlemen just like Eric himself, and it was sweet like chocolate..haha. Then up till the late evening, he sent me back to Sri Sayang Apartments, at Batu Fringgi. Nope, not what you thought "would" happen, sadly did not happen. So enough said. I guess, he had grown out of it and has moved on, but I couldn't bear to think that it "was" the end, and yes, I gave him a hug and that was it. All that was running through my head was Damien Rice's Song ~ The Blower's Daughter.So after that, the KK team went to a nearby restaurant (Geee...I forgot the name..haha) and handed out 5B's & MUG Awards recognition by Boss there. We did a little shopping at the bargain shops near the roadside, and headed back to the Wooden Pub, next to the restaurant, to have our beer. Moy and myself were utterly bored that we wrote down our initials with marker pens at the toilet area, and went to have a look at the different money currency posted on the wall, with different writings from people who visited that pub. The pub is situated very near to the road, actually by the roadside, and not that near to the ocean...only by view rather.

Hmmm...will definately come to Penang for a REAL holiday, and also visit Langkawi...woOoOooHooOoooo....save and travel...can't wait!!

Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

The things people do these days just to get things in order, organised, and to achieve the fullest potential that they can go, is prolly the hardest thing a human being can do. Why?? It is because they have to constantly motivate themselves if not from others but by themselves in order to reach the specific results needed. Today I have shamed myself infront of my peers, my management, my friends and mostly, infront of my DM. I have not allowed myself to regain the strength needed to show that I am capable of maintaining the store's ambiance, instead, I decided to give up and not pull through. Was I giving it up, just so that I did not have to tackle any challenge that comes my way?? Was it the best solution to say that I am vunerable and let my partners see that I am not well knowledegable?? I do not care less that the other people that I used to know have taken a sore feeling towards me because even if every month I do need their help, the same advantage has been taken against me. So I would call that fair and square. By far, I am also trying to survive in this bloody business, to save my team's ass before theirs and to know that my team may have their flaws but does not mean they cannot reach to the top. I know I have not set any directions for my team, and that is why I can't say much at this point of time. Yes, the lack of communication is really to the point where one would feel helpless and at the same time too proud to ask for help. Blah blah blah, star skills and such, it all boils down to how the team is not at all communicating at the same sound wave. Its true. The leader has yet to learn all the skills and have the knowledge capacity to teach the unfortunate to develop such skills in order not to be left behind. The fact that the guidance from way before has not been an A+ coaching as it was more of a rush-rush process resulting in not held by the hand, rather left for the kill. Left stranded and the initiative done was more on a trial and error basis. FIN (-.-)

Do i regret ever climbing my way up in this business so damn fast that I fall even deeper into a pile of depression?? I cannot answer that now. Its very challenging to get to this part and have countless complains going in and out of the ears till you're practically bleeding from all holes. I will be officially run down, scrambled and roasted till a burnt smell stenches the whole place. Motivation?? HAH!! Feel less and less motivated to work in this line...its like I hate dancing already! SheeshKebab!! Never satisfied as we can never get what we want and in the end the complains go on and on and on...fer days! Perfection was never in my vocab, I do not see it in any of the people I know. Really, there are flaws sticking out like a sore thumb and yet still go around proclaiming how great one can be...GAWSH!! Remember reading my last few jotters about wanting to break free...blah blah blah...NO seriously! I had enough! I just want O-U-T!! If I am unfit for the freaking job, sue me. I am up to here...no here...wait! To the top of my head with the endless trackings! SHITONME...Im Freaking exhausted to do all this. Cut down on the costs, reduce wastage, more input in this, that...ARGHHHHH!!! I am tired, so is every single partner in my own bloody store. I don't want the store, I can hand it back, I am sacrificing every energy I have in this frumpy body of mine to keep up with the stoopid demands! And to deal with the slumber ones, the no show no call, annoying little bugger with endless questions with 101 "I don't know" antics...its TOTALLY INSANE!! I am dealing with a rowdy crowd here. No, I do not expect you to care...really, I don't. So even if tomorrow is going to be DOOMS day, I will not give up in thriving and getting somewhere...even if it takes me like snail mode but there is a positivity glowing somewhere it stings my skin. Yes, I am a bit mad and if my team can get a little crazy at all possible seconds, then I know I am not alone. SUGOI!!

It tasted very bland, not a hint of sweetness was detected. And yet I come here to get a sense of peace for the mind, just to chillax and unwind. I don't expect this place to be my hide out nor a place to spy on the compeditor. I learn on how my store can improve on learning the hiccups that happen else where. No, observing what is laid out in the next sister store will not really help you out. Its more like you have been observed to spy on the other, which is not productive for me, cause in the end, bad mouthing the other is bad for business. So I come here either with friends or not, just to observe the music ambiance, the culture, and also the comfort. Although they could use a new set of sofas and more power points for laptops, because seriously, an opportunity for them. Sadly, I will not point that out to the staff here, because in the end I'm just encouraging more business input for them. So I am just gonna sit here and not tell a single soul on my intentions. I have decided to stay on with my desire that I prayed to God to grant me and bless me with, and hopefully not to disappoint him. A whole lot of people that I've not been attending to, nor have I taken heed on their pleas. I've not been a good listener these days. Gomene tomodachi *sniffles* The thing that has been bothering me for the past three months (and more months to come) is that there is always that particular barrier that separates me from them. The young kids to bring up, the scandalous antics done, the uncanny drugs that pulls everyone together and keeps silent when you're up close, it agitates me so. I really dislike the freaking feeling but I do not want to point that out. The whole disadvantage of being too nice is that you'll be taken for granted. Like seriously, its a pain in the jabroni!! Fortunately, I do not bother myself with that, though it hurts like billy-O to be left out on the topic. The eyes of not wanting one to stay, rather go do something a freshman would do...to act "DUH!" and to not ask too many questions. That is soOo uncalled for! *Sigh* Why do I even care about this petty things? Its because at the end of everything, there is that particular LOOK on that face that says,"Get it right already! I'm tired to cover your stupid mistakes just so that you could get a better look on yer two feet!" Sorry, I am not the kind of person to get it right immediately. Yeah, I tend to slack but doesn't mean I'm not going through the process of my learning development. So much expectations weight on my shoulders, mentally draining me out, feels like I just want to give up. Then again, I've gotten this far just to throw it all away? Half-heartedly, I am intending to stay a wee lil' longer, just to get to where I want to be. It's gonna be a long winding road, but by GEORGE! I'll get there somehow..one day at a time.

I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.