Her Life so far...

Over a month and thinking this is glamourous with a tinkle of stardom but I am on the road of finding myself...once more. Spend all those fancy years in a Coffee House, almost 6 years then venturing on to an Aviation industry. That didn't go according to plan, as I always thought life was better outside your comfort zone. I did learn in fact that Life gets more spicier each time you move forward.

No doubt that I do have some anxiety as to where I am leading myself into. Yes, a mid-life crisis although I am still in the late 20's and yet I am feeling this way. 

The plan was to quit the aviation job and be a jazz performer ~ that also means full time quality time at home. At the given rate, I am quite stuck to 1) Losing the weight so that I am able to fit in a long gown and not look like a freaking whale. 2) To fulfill my promise that I made to my older sister about teaming up to make this MLM work and earn some cash 3) To pay the debts off (a never ending story) 4) To actually learn songs and 5) Sustain and prolong this voice box at least for 2-3 sets per gig. 

I have often thought about just going back to my old job but things have been going off the scale with friends losing their job for being dishonest, the others because the company has gone all anal just for small boo boos made. The both jobs which I thought were dream jobs turned out to be a loss in my eyes. I have lost all words to how my life would turn out, lost as to what I believe was a success is now all grey from my vision. 

It gets hot and humid nowadays, rainy on most evenings. Posting of pictures on Instagram when I feel like it, dropping messages to people on facebook when actually I do not want to meet them, and getting frustrated when I don't get a puff or two. GAWSH!!!! It burns just seeing people making it and mostly getting hitched....but this is not me. I usually just glance once and get all happy about it and I do want to succeed in getting there. I can say that I am a worry wart, contemplating about the future and no doubt do not want to meet most people because I dare say that I am just not up to telling them what has been going on with this life when there's NOTHING to talk about. It is not the same as to when you message and talking face to face on what the real situation is presenting itself...on your plate. 

Even with this chest pain on my right, I am determined to not blog this way....ever....it will turn out differently...

Either its my brain or my heart, but I am definitely going mad all over the place. This is the response that will take me months to ignore and also many phrases to get over this stupid feeling of wanting to be wanted....again. 

Why does this face show such ignorance and controlled anxiety on one's face? Why can't I just get over the idea that it was just mere words that had me going for a while? Why can't I shake of this feeling of uncertainty? 

Annoyance feels this head and I'd shiver to the fact that I could be this foolish to fall for a person who thinks the world revolves around him. 

The sight of this child makes me weak but mostly the need to feel wanted and to feel the sense of touch for this one time. Then yet it should not even come to this. The nasty thoughts as to what is in the mind, should never be released at all. 

It is as close as to feeling pathetic about being infatuated with this bizarre love triangle, makes me sick to my stomach. Surprised that I could sink down to their level and have this tainted ideas that I could end up a cradle snatcher. How awful those words sound, even by typing it out.  

Here I am shivering like a wet dog, just not wanting to be near to something that is just within my reach. Oh God, remove this anxiety that hovers in my heart! Remove the weariness and disfigured thoughts that lingers in my blood! Oh, make me sane again, and just to appear normal to this unsettling air around me. I want to be myself once more and not to pretend it doesn't hurt. I want to shout at the top of lungs just to feel wanted again and not show any emotion to mere words of a child. Keep me grounded, keep me safe.

 

Floating away from this is the best remedy and yet, I'm still pretending not to care. 

During this time, thinking about the song that really says what's in my head, from the movie "Grease Lighting 2":

I'm all dressed up, in my finest attitude

Pretending I don't care

Guess I'm really messed up by trying to be two

When only one heart can be there.

Why can't I be just what I am?

And speak my love, without any shame?

Why can't she see, what I am,

Is a costumed fool, trapped in a tragic game?

Charades and pretty lies,

They hide what's deep inside me

Charades do disguise

All the love I keep inside me

Charades! Can't see me,

But can you feel the real me?

The real me behind my charades?

Oh, please don't mind me,

Performing at my hardest

As I paint upon the air.

You won't find me,

Cause it's the portrait of an artist

As a man who isn't there.

Charades and pretty lies,

They hide what's deep inside me

Charades do disguise

All the love I keep inside me

Charades! Can't see me,

But can you feel the real me?

Can't you feel the real me?

Behind my charades

Have I lost the real me,

Behind my charades.

.............................................................................................................have I lost the real me?

"Someone Like You" ~ ADELE

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead." 

....................................................................................................................................................................

 

I'm happy yet a little sad that it turned out this way. 

If I wasn't so greedy in falling in love, person after person

I would actually be happy in this simple way.

Rae's settled down with his son,

Eric just had a baby girl and is blessed 

He wasn't my last resort but somehow, he just got engaged today~ 11.11.2011

Dear, dear Oomis Ginavoku...

Things had to fall into place and as how Adele sings it with full honesty...

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead..."

I keep this solely to myself as to what there is to come

"Oh come what may..." 

My only wish is that every single human being to deserve the much happiness, love & to never be lonely. 

 

My greatest fear...is not having someone like you before my time is up...

 

 

 

i fear that i may be losing myself in this
its coming to me slowly
its like a disease i can't get rid of
the sign of depression is creeping on me

losing myself and thinking subconsciously
leads me to more anxiety
and the feeling wells up in my chest
honestly i am quite edgy these days

i want out of this mess
wanting to get out so badly for the past 4 years
its slowly eating me inside
to the point that suicide is the only option

but there it is
i will not cross that line
no matter how tempting it is
thinking about it alone can make one
delusional & contented somehow

this is all that i have to say
that you'll forgive me for not giving you
a reason as to why i had to write this down at the last minute
but its better now than later

There are many reasons as to why I am NOT asleep yet. It's because I'm stressed out worrying bout the things that perhaps I thought I could get away with...and in the end, I have to sort it out before the big bosses fire my ass of this company.
To be honest, I "was" at that "couldn't- care- less" mode for almost 7 months, and now that I've gotten to know that I would be taking care of a new store in less than a month, the problem has found its way to my private life and now I am in the depths of the fire.
There is every reason that a human being puts blame on others before them, as they are blinded and ignorant to what their secrets have done their unfolding. I, on one hand, would gladly give this pathetic store to a hard core manager to ensure that she would have in every power to set that store right. I am tired nonetheless to make it work. It is pretty unlucky of me to have fallen on the backseat and then get slammed into a tree, just waking up to reality.
Alright, I admit that I screwed up the whole thing. It was a big, fat mistake to even tackle this store. I had to do what I had to do, had loads of fun achieving what was WORTH achieving but I'm not a Freaking robot, for goodness sake!
Bear in mind, achievements in this company is not recognized and discreetly not approved- it is instead a way of you being TOO EXPOSED until the lime light becomes this hot ass SPOT LIGHT!! Makes you sweat bullets, and ending up being a total eye sore!
Just need to find a bloody explanation as to why the costing has shot up way higher than their freaking nostrils goes. Hence, "deadmeat" for a shout out on FB. Fudges!Fudges! FUDGES!!
This is the whole reason why I wanted to quit in the 1st place! It is all because of all the unnecessary stress laid out on the table!

But then again, Moe....this is also the reason why you're still in the company- to have a trip to Phuket, Thailand next month for 8 freaking days! That was the whole intention!! right??

Yes, for now, yes. For this point of time, yes. If the new store does not fall in nicely, then I will gladly go...as in "ship out". I don't think I can cause another anxiety attack to poor ole` Moe. She's suffered enough. Owh God, gimme me another chance to life...away from this scene...

JA MATA NE!!! Aikhs!!! m(_ _)"m

Things aren't quite like they used to be...different faces, different places...at least we try

~ The Tress.

The things that seemed impossible to do like moving from this job for almost rotting away for 5 years is finally stepping up. Who is it? Not so little "Me!"

I can grasp it nicely in my mind. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the positive people around me. It is hard for my peers to understand why the sudden change, jumping from a demanding F&B line to tourism?? Does that make sense in our world? Honestly, its just our way of saying, "It is about time, Moe!"

Even if it means less figures into my bank account, I can actually start breathing with ease, and I can really see that THIS is my moment of Freedom!

Free from anxiety attacks...free from countless submissions of trackings, after trackings. I can see that this is my way of succeeding as my 26th year as a human being, trying to survive this depression or more like a pre-Mid Life crisis. This is it!! I am capable to push forward, earning my own place in the world.

As I see the sunset for the 1st time in a long time, I feel that it would be the Greatest feeling ever. I'm moving on with this life, no matter how challenging it may be...

By God's Grace...I can pull through!

"It's going to rain for a while, but you'll make it"

~ memo taken from Howard Schultz ONWARD book

I can't imagine how he went through with all the troubles and tribulations in his coming back as a CEO of the most profound company, just like Starbucks. Also with history coming to life when Prince William wed Kate Middleton just a few hours ago, saying goodbye to the normal life and taking the role of the Duchess of Cambridge. Its amazing and its great that I got to live through this, in order to experience it all. Whether it's through a book or through telly.

As of right now, my store is currently facing the worst time - with partners doing as they wish, my management team not on solid ground and the most obvious part is, there is no stability in this district. We're all on a loose end.

How much I would sigh and moan to all the things that may occur, has not or did not go the way as planned. Just at the point of wanting to quit and run, seemed like it was not my destiny to do so. Everyone is going ahead of me, and I am slightly standing on a limbo part, dangling from my fingertips. Do I want to move on??

So many good things and NOT so good things are falling into place, right here in this company I've been working in for the past 4 & half years. It gives one the excitement and the anxiety all at the same time, making one feel to come up with a very good decision this time around. I haven't been praying all that hard for a new job nor am I looking to improvement in the store. Is that bad that I haven't set my priorities straight?? Gawsh! Its ghastly than I thought. All this talk about putting the stick away is making me decorate more of my lungs more often, almost a box a day. THAT IS BAD!!! Nasty habit yet its repeatable!! Darn the sticks!!

If I can get rid of all the bad apples in store, would it all be perfect?? Perhaps it would be.

A sense of peace may flow from all nerves and give some oxygen to the brain cells. If only they could disappear, then the other lives would be spared. *sigh*

If how Howard Schultz left the company for a short period of time and gained his passion back in the business, then it is really okay to tender this resignation to further improve oneself's self esteem. Until then, I'm half way reading his book, in order to gain this passion back, not for you, but for myself.

The moment I touched your hands, everything turned cold and meaningless. You laid so still as if you were in a deep sleep. Although the tears poured down like rain from faces of love ones, nothing could be done. You left with such willingness, and the pain immediately stopped just as how rain would. Like a blink of an eye, the guilt built up deep in this weary heart. To be strong for others, to have lost all hope of not seeing you today, tomorrow, not even till I'm married, made me feel so much sorrow. The older you got, the less I came to visit. Crushed to see you not breathing, confused for the others not able to see you before you took your last breath. It all seems endless, with everyone wished to spent more time with you, to eat, laugh and pray with you. How many regretted not saying the words that they meant to say, that they were sorry for anything that was said, done and forgotten. The birthday parties, Christmas loving, harvest festival will not be the same without you there to welcome us with open arms. The small shop will be meaningless without you there, sitting on your lazy chair and watching your favourite dramas on tv. Things would not be the same for us...It would not be same for me....who very much enjoys your company. I mish you and as we are praying for your safety to paradise, that you display the same kindness on us all too....thank you for all the sweet memories and the treasured time you had spent with us, and most of all...with me. Love your grandaughter.

I did not cry much the day she passed away
Always thought that I could buy myself time to see her when I was not busy
Even then I did not grew close to her
And to regret it would be useless
I used to think that her world revolves around me
That I was her favourite grandchild
Needless to say that I was winning a losing battle
To compete with countless cousins that were born
Earlier and ending up much cuter than me
I was always in the back seat
Not really caring in the world that I was "one" of the grandchildren
Who's grandma had loads of children to cuddle & hug with
There was a time I wrote letters to her
It was pleasant and sweet
Just like I had a pen pal to write to,
Every now and then
Was it I who grew up too fast to find new friends,
To forget such a caring woman such as herself?
The letters stopped coming and going
Our lives went a little too much forward
For now that I weep with my family members
To have lost a wonderful person such as my grandmother
Perhaps it would never be okay
To see a grown man cry
Or a young girl to cry her eyes out
For the sister, wife, mother, cousin, grandma, great grandma
Who wishes to be remembered
Like the way she was alive and healthy
The thought of God bringing her to a safer place
A place where one would call it their paradise
Is finally coming to a close
As the prayers and days are almost up
for crucial parts towards the passing
These are the times that in every heart of every person
There is a sense of loss
Yet the need to grow happier for
the wonderful woman that Grandma
Has always been and
Forever shall be....

I mish you so much even if my actions don't show it....

Rest In Peace, Grandma...

...you won't be forgotten

I guess the dumbest thing
I ever did and
I hope I will never
ever do
is to meet a person such as yourself
The most untrustworthy fink
that I've always seen
which others
fall for
and after it all
I ended up
falling for a jerk, such as yourself
Perhaps the sweet talk
did work after all
It was lame at most times
and yet I just wanted you
not to love you
it was more for companionship
You know the type when old couples grow old
and not have intimacy, but rather
the comfort of each other rather
I never did, I'm afraid
I never did love
someone such as yourself
It was just plain stupid which ended up
pretty simple really
and I was glad that I got to get out
and not to be waiting in vain
for a ridiculous fool such as yourself
Back as to why there wasn't any
love in that connection?
A bastard as one could see
you weren't different
from your brother
after all
you are like twins
just from a different time line
Annoyed as I was
I could finally breathe
Being solo for such a long time
made me realize
I haven't reached my
destination yet
I knew that we would not survive
the distance
I was not weary
but rather bored to my bones
there wasn't anything exciting
about "us"
No Christmas presents
appeared,
just a very much delayed text
saying
"oh yeah! Cheers to you"

I've moved on
and now you're no longer
on my friend's list
I glad for me
.....finally!

There are some things that I will never forget...the last 11 months has been a blessing with you all. Even though there were hardships along the way, and then others have found their way out, it will always end up in tears of sadness, yet a relief in all hearts. So to you, I say "Celebrate Life as though it was your last. Never give up on the things that were meant to look onward. Find peace in your hearts and speak more of kind words to each other"
The time when you want others to stay on, it may not be possible. Friends move along to find greener pastures and others are left behind. Some may sought in weariness and end up counting on the others that have no heart to stay on. It is difficult to keep a child at its normal height and weight, and yet each day, the child grows. Bursting with energy, as we have lived before...roaming in new open spaces. Oh how we would love to venture out and try to find our comfort zone...until then, let us take a trip to the foot of the mountain, to enjoy each others' warmth for the very last moment...I will mish you all dear friends that I've known since 2006, right here in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. May the Good Lord bless you all and keep you safe.

Sixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

Just a song we shared, I'll hear

Brings memories back when you were here

Of your smiles, your easy laughter

Of your kiss, those moments after

I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

Of the dreams we dreamt together

Of the love we vowed would never

Melt like snowSixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

flakes in the sun

My days now end as they begun:

With thoughts of you

And I think of you

And think of you

Down the streets I walked with you

Seeing others doing things we do

Now these thoughts are haunting me

Of how complete I used to be

And in these times that we're apart

I'll hear this song that breaks my heart

And think of you

And I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

And I do

When I was younger, mum used to pamper us with goodies..and the best ones were on a hot sunny day, my siblings and I would always have creamy Ice Cream in special transparent bowls, just like the ones in this picture. It had musical notes all around the bowl, and we would put about 3 scoops of any flavour and go wild eating it.

Although I wasn't so keen in fruits when I was WAY high, having Bananas with the ice cream means so much to a kid....especially me!

Having a banana split, but mum chopped them to smaller bite size and I'd mixed mine with my desert. It didn't matter if there wasn't any Hershey Chocolate Drizzle or chocolate sweet flakes for the topping...all that mattered was to have ice cream in that Musical Bowl....

My sister would always like hers in the bowl with Purple coloured musical notes and it didn't matter because I had mine in the blue one. We'd all wolf down our ice cream and always begged mum for seconds.

*Sigh* the memories of Sunny Days, Ice Cream and that colourful Musical note Bowls....its like being a kid all over again... NEAT!!

in exactly one month

the moment where every eye would

be in anticipation

to see me fail this

or get through the long

awaited

presentation

*District Coffee Master FY11*

i wouldn't have it

any other way

if there was only the

Coffee Basics ~ Coffee Series

but to have the actual do-your-own

DCM presentation

in front of the panel of judges

which might include L&D department

OM and DM

(not forgetting the coffee ambassador)

will perhaps create the

anxiety attack that

has long suppress somewhere

hidden in this mind & body

in other words..

i can tell you honestly

i am not that ready to pursue this

*whimper* m(_ _)m

the tragedy of also coming up

with the other 2 different

presentations

for my comrades

can actually cause this meltdown

do i really want this?

ARGHHhhhh..........*

...blowing in the breeze

...unaware of the destination

...floating softly

...lightly

...gracefully

...there lies a soul

....wanting more in this life

...someone to receive her

...and welcome her with

...his loving arms

Of all the things I believed in...

I just want to get it over with....

Tears fall behind my eyes...

But I do not cry...

Counting the days to past me by...

It natural that this would go on...

A day or two...

It would stretch on for months...

Until I find you...

In my world...

And that we're on the same page...

To start over...to get over...

This heartfelt feeling....

Torn..

Twisted...

Tales to live by...

Words were so pleasing...

So sweet...

Too inviting...

Mind restless...

Anxiety reacts differently this time...

At loss once more...

Unbearable...

Stinging these eyes...

Swore it would affect so tragically...

And yet...

I lied to this innocent heart...

With such a convincing face...

And its trashed...

Tainted to the core...

Fallen to this foolish games...

Suffering...

Shivering....

Tears running...

Heavy is this bitter heart...

I can't stop but just scream it all out...

This pathetic look is wearing out...

Ashamed to look around...

Sad that it ended in such a way...

Like something stupid...

Happened......

.................................twice...

This winter has been a waste cause she is the one you are the one Each day is always the same I’m wondering why, I keep getting up Another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss you I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you What could I do This friendship is just a fling comfort for cover when I love the most The feeling of you The colour on your face In delicate spring another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss You What Could I do Well you’ve had the chance to save me Well you’ve had the chance to save me over and over again well you’ve had the chance you’ve had the chance over and over again I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away Cause It’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you another gift from the maker when I love you like that I Miss You I Miss You

i wish to tell you

what lays deep in this

tragic heart of mine

a longing

of some sort

its difficult to put into words

i can't describe it

very well to you

envious

of others living

a great deal of a life

though may trouble arise

but it is still

the togetherness of love ones

that brings this

weight

to this heavy heart

A kid named Chester: Wonder Boy

There I was minding my own business when the little boy came hand in hand with his 28year old female cousin. He had his yellow hood over his head, quiet as a mouse and only speaking in whispers. Little did I know, he was at the age where he was still learning to talk properly and was a very, very active child. It occurred to me that it has been a long time since made close contact with such a young child, probably in his toddler years of 2 or 3 years. He wasn't the kind that was the extremely cutest boy you've seen, nor did his face showed any prettiness about it. It was more to the part where he was adorable to the point where you just couldn't leave him be and be playing by himself. That was justice at all. Even if part of me did not want to get involved in any of the discussions held that night, as it was my aunt's wedding planning and stuff, I couldn't help but to be drawn to this adorable boy. His laugh was totally cute, husky in a way and he got bored really fast. Hmm... at the same time, if a game we played made him laugh the 1st time, he'd want to do it over and over again. Then it brought me to the conclusion that I do mish my old job back in Brunei, where I could teach and play with the young kids to the extend that I become a kid myself as well. That was FUN!! I did not feel a day old when there were at least 20 kids running around and having fun, even though there were quarrels over whose toys was the best or rather it were blocks or stuffed toys belonged in which box. It was the relationship spent together and that night, I felt it with little Chester. He brought me to think that I was still capable of being myself, even if the world did not care who I was or what the hell I was doing at my aunt's place, or whether the BBQ smelled awfully good. It was that wonder boy that really made my day...and I will cherish that moment.

I mish my childhood days....the same ones that Little Chester is experiencing right now...I mish that *sigh*