It tasted very bland, not a hint of sweetness was detected. And yet I come here to get a sense of peace for the mind, just to chillax and unwind. I don't expect this place to be my hide out nor a place to spy on the compeditor. I learn on how my store can improve on learning the hiccups that happen else where. No, observing what is laid out in the next sister store will not really help you out. Its more like you have been observed to spy on the other, which is not productive for me, cause in the end, bad mouthing the other is bad for business. So I come here either with friends or not, just to observe the music ambiance, the culture, and also the comfort. Although they could use a new set of sofas and more power points for laptops, because seriously, an opportunity for them. Sadly, I will not point that out to the staff here, because in the end I'm just encouraging more business input for them. So I am just gonna sit here and not tell a single soul on my intentions. I have decided to stay on with my desire that I prayed to God to grant me and bless me with, and hopefully not to disappoint him. A whole lot of people that I've not been attending to, nor have I taken heed on their pleas. I've not been a good listener these days. Gomene tomodachi *sniffles* The thing that has been bothering me for the past three months (and more months to come) is that there is always that particular barrier that separates me from them. The young kids to bring up, the scandalous antics done, the uncanny drugs that pulls everyone together and keeps silent when you're up close, it agitates me so. I really dislike the freaking feeling but I do not want to point that out. The whole disadvantage of being too nice is that you'll be taken for granted. Like seriously, its a pain in the jabroni!! Fortunately, I do not bother myself with that, though it hurts like billy-O to be left out on the topic. The eyes of not wanting one to stay, rather go do something a freshman would do...to act "DUH!" and to not ask too many questions. That is soOo uncalled for! *Sigh* Why do I even care about this petty things? Its because at the end of everything, there is that particular LOOK on that face that says,"Get it right already! I'm tired to cover your stupid mistakes just so that you could get a better look on yer two feet!" Sorry, I am not the kind of person to get it right immediately. Yeah, I tend to slack but doesn't mean I'm not going through the process of my learning development. So much expectations weight on my shoulders, mentally draining me out, feels like I just want to give up. Then again, I've gotten this far just to throw it all away? Half-heartedly, I am intending to stay a wee lil' longer, just to get to where I want to be. It's gonna be a long winding road, but by GEORGE! I'll get there somehow..one day at a time.

I will not survive this. The feeling of collapsing is very intense each day and it gets quite alarming as my bones feel as if to give way anytime soon. Nearly torn to know that I can never measure up to what is expected of me. Decoration of the lungs is more frequent now, unable to put it down, in fear of the after-effect. I can’t stand it that I get more pathetic and my peers are tired of my nonsensical acts. Honestly I can say that I am tired of all this. The thought of leaving seems so easy and it actually relaxes my mind in that moment of it. Then reality bounces back and I wake up all shock that there are other commitments that I need to focus on. I mean my freaking front bumper of my car is almost in half due to a stupid white dog that crossed that road, coming out of nowhere. I’m pissed off, I can’t stand some people and yet I need them to make the day better somehow. I could swear at every sentence that pours out of my mouth. I could quit and just go somewhere and to just rot there forever more. What bothers me the most is that I can’t even spent the tiniest time with my family. Perhaps I choose not to, or the time when I want to relax at home, ends up a burden for me, because it so happens to be my off day…and I’m freaking out of bed doing some chore. Bloody hell! I don’t have a moment of peace to myself, I don’t have “ME” time!! I don’t expect my management team to co-operate with me, and although they do what I ask, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they like it very much, but they have no choice but to do it. Is it a complete task that is laid out for them? In a way, YES, but then there are some hiccups that still distraught my mind. HALF-DONE job!! WTH?!! The whole commotion bout this one not happy with the other, and the other is right, and the other dumb perhaps, drains me out a lot. I need to take an emergency leave, I do not want to be here. I want out. I want to disappear. I want to get a massage. I want nothing with this, and just end up to be a regular kinda customer, no worries, no intrusions…Just a sight of relieve, with a person to hold me when I get totally insane at times. I mish the month of February. I felt most relieved and really overjoyed. I don’t know when I can feel like that ever again. It saddens me. I want to fall in love, no not with anyone right now…rather with myself. I want to love what I use to love. I want to pick up myself and help myself to stand up once again. I want to buck up. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to be proud of myself, I do not want others to see my achievements. I want to see me for myself. I want to mature in such a way that I can look at myself and say that I am somewhere, where I should be. I don’t want to make someone else to be proud of me. I’m done and over with that. Too much disappointment to make them happy. I want everyone to buck up and show that we are not slacking together. I want to improve. I want to ace at that District Coffee Master Presentation. I want to see the triumph on my face even if I ace it or not, just to prove to myself that I did it. The desire to throw all the negativity out and to do proper planning…that is what I want to do. I’m really exhausted to be freaking tired every time and not put any effort for that day. Yes, I do lack time management. I do need help…and yet I want to be independent. I want to be there, not for others but for myself. Can someone please give me a chance to be myself? I want to mature in the right way, aside all that stupid gossips and rumours hovering my head. I had enough of backstabbing and useless talk to get over the day. I want to achieve something everyday, daily and improve myself. I want things to be in order, to be improved. I want victory to come shining from within me. I need God so much right now that I don’t want to fall apart again. I need him back in my life because I’m almost dying, spiritually and mentally, physically yes I am dying slowly. I will finish my last pack of fags and throw out the rest. I want to be clean, I want to lose weight. I want to feel peace once more. I really need all the help that I can get. I want to be free.

The need to wake up in the morning where no noise can harm me. A place of serenity and peace. Do i wish that no familiar voice to disturb me with a "hush" or even, "wake up! lunch is served!" kind of sound? Weary are the tired eyes to the back of my aching head, the restless body mangle walking around like a lifeless body. Running here and there, driving aimlessly and nearly meeting with an accident. Thoughts of unsettled things to perform is eating me up slowly. I am wasting my days slowly, tired of useless words that shouldn't haven't been asked or even mentioned. I am losing my hearing of what lays important, and yet i show no concern at all. Wasted, effortlessly wandering around. Taking it all in as if there was nothing to grasp on to. The motivation to achieve one's goal, is twisted. My eyes get blurry now, like a film covering the lens. Shutting my eyes, hurt so much that I can barely stay awake. Just want to feel the weight on my eyes and typing down what is left in this membrane. He looks tired of staring at my face for days. She wants to follow her parents wishes but dares not think of leaving the place where she calls her "alone" time with herself apart from personal contact. I don't wish to take any action on what is to come, i rather it swallow me whole. To eat me in one big gulp and let me rest peacefully. Chotto matte...let my eyes rest for abit. My mind is racing, telling me to rest, just awhile, a little bit more. Then a message pops...I find myself responding to it, and even now I can't seem to focus very well. Pulling the black soft hood over my face, to hide from disgrace that arises every now and then. Waiting in vain to what may not happen or to what has been done. And i don't want to bother with petty things. I want to fall further, deeper, closer to nothingness...even if i were to end up in a complex pile of sand. I'm not worried, im restless. What I am to you is not what I need. Dragging my feet to walk a mile more to a destination, to keep silent with my head lower to the ground. To keep behind the covers, and cry there. For awhile and never look what is taking place downstairs. Place the pillows over my ears to block out the sound, to keep the glaring light from entering in. Serentiy has slowly sprinkled over my head...peacefully I shut my eyes...saying,"Oyasumi Baka San!"

a happy feeling to know that all things such as being able to get a response from your partners that they know they're doing good for the environment * a mixed up feeling when a relationship of a friendship can be mistaken for a thing called Lurve * an upset feeling to know that perhaps being in this position can have its many disadvantages and also uncannyly, its advantages * a sad feeling that one has to experience that life may not go according to plan, or have somewhat gone off track * a overwhelming feeling to have when you have all sorts of different personalities and none are to your expectations *

Bugging the very back of mind when things explained halfway and also the most that has been pricking is when things mentioned are always done round-the-bush...it agitates me so. I want to know that these games played out are just games for pleasure, not for the seriousness of a being. I want the real things that a person can feel is the things that keeps you sane, even if the heart keeps pounding like crazy when you're next to the one you care for, very much. I want to a person of value, a person who may be an egoist but maintains all his ground rules firm and not look back on it. I want a job on the coast of nice sandy beaches, and dance in a tutu when the sun sets. *Sigh* what a life to be dreaming of.
That is all that is in my membrane right now...Oyasumi nasai, Tomodachi (^^,)

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

But I, can't shake this feeling off

Can't shake this dead weight off of myback

It's a troubled place we stay

But we just play it out

You give too much away

Leaves you cold, oh...

Got no place else to go

In a daze, just hanging around

It's a dirt ground we crawl upon

I've stared at your face for much toolong

It's a troubled place we stay

Where we just wait it out

Watch us give too much away

Leaves you cold, ohh

Cold, ohhh

I used to want the morning

You and me, just hanging around

It's a troubled game we stage

Where we just play it out

Watch us give too much away

And we just wait it out

And the words you meant to say

And the words I gave away

Leaves you cold, ohhh

Cold, ohhh

Gemma Hayes ~ Hanging Around

Imagine this.
You find yourself, lost in a field of grass.
High enough, so as unable to foresee where you're headed.
Making turns, ending up going in circles.
Fear becomes you when you start to go weary.
Then it hits you hard that there is no chance to get out of this mess.
Stumbling on something, and you look at the ground.
Behold, a large curved knife before you.
Your instincts tell you to leave it and go on being lost.
Hesitant enough, picked up that curved knife.
Cutting the high grass, like sliced cake.
Easy peasy as ever.
Sweat flowing down your face,
As if in search of something out of this obstacle.
After going about half a mile out,
there appears to be something white in a distance of all that greenery.
You race to the bright glare.
And as you approach closer, there you find something so pure.
A gleaming with its delicate glow..
White and fluffy,
A baby bunny...clear as day.
A memory you would not like to forget
...ever.

The image appears continously in my mind.

The lines that come across once face, sullen, tight-lipped, notable sadness.

Traces of anger can be felt even behind the smudgy glass panes.

Weak in the mind to even face such an image.

To think that the amount of trust that one has place in another,

Can be mistaken for a betrayal.

That was not intended at all.

A different approach did not work.

Either the good nor negative way.

Lost in confusion with the amount of frustration that builds up by the minute.

The loneliness one has to endure.

Pressure fills the soul.

Heavy is the heart to the know that the other is..

Very bitter.

Could it be the recent incidents that took place?

Or that one was simply hearing out another friend in distress?

It would be sweet pleasure to see him smile again.

Even if it were for a second.

To be lucky if it were the whole day.

Sighing on the things that should have been done.

But unfortunately was not given a chance.

Leaving in silence.

Walking away to a better view.

Slipping away,

Just to stay out of trouble.

Lost in the end.

From a silly disagreement.

The colours of belief.

Drained out to nothingness.

Tough on the outside.

Frail to own up.

Mixed up with what cannot be fixed.

A note for forgiveness.

Thrown out like a paper plane,

gliding out the window.

Without a care in the world.

Percious time is gone.

Gone,

Going...

Gone.............*

Gomene tomodachi...so desu ne.

The more a secret is hidden, the more suffering one has to bear. I have experienced it all at once today. I even opened up to him, which is very rare...or you can say...almost never. Somehow today, perhaps even without twitching, I said what I had to say, without thinking twice. And it felt good to let it all out...almost everything that was bothering me for the past two months or so. The support and the criticisim that one has to endure, the tight-lip that one has to sustain in order for the stupid tears not to flow from one's face. Ahh...the sense of relief, to let it all out today. Good motivation for that 4-5 hours, and even when the tiredness showed on his face, a sense of willingness allowed to appear naturally. Oh thank you for being such a caring mentor..."Arigato gozaimasu ne!" I don't know what's come over me. The lack of knowledge and the courage that I need to pursue to get "there" does seem like a long run...tired will I be halfway, to catch up with the rest of the pro(s). Its like a saying comes to mind, survive the worst in the beginning, then it'll come as easy as a pie in the end. Hmm...you'll be wondering,"Is that even a saying? Where have I heard it?"



FIN ("o)

Imagine a world full of laterns! How bright the colours, the way people aren't at all distracted by it. A bucket of yer favourite beer, the cooling liquid flowing in to your pipes, the sound of bashing fried noodles at the kitchen...what more can you ask for? The whole reason to start of with these simple yet inviting words of, "Hey! Come on! Lets have a Beer!" is simply not to make you become an alcoholic or any reason you may think of. Rather, a sense of what you might do when being in a relaxed place, and just think of how you and your friends can finish off 3 buckets in one go. Hmm...I just jotting down what I imagine my friends and I would be doing at 4:00 in the afternoon. Well, at least on one particular friend. I finally admitted that I did not know the whole of that person in one sentence. Am I that mean? I do not know how to please the heart...is it by stroking it till it softens? Or do I have to check on it once in a while? However, I do not get the same response from the other, in the end just a note saying, "I'm ALL good! Thanks!" Geeweez, do I have to shout it from the mountain tops to make the person forgive me? Or do I have to beg for forgiveness in public? Either way, he will not forgive me..not now anyways. I know. A text msg won't be any use..nor would a phone call.. Sadness!

I don't want to get involve on the outside of people's lives. If I get invited in, then I may have to excuse myself and show myself out the door. I'm tired to know that I will always have to be in the middle of a crappy situation and in the end, I get blame for it. Its so STUPID! I didn't even ask for it...and I get all this crap for standing up for people and what's worst, to stand up for their nonsensical anthics....its MADNESS! Lunatics to even get me involve...sick and sad! Man! I sound so much like "maulit" now! BAKA!

Apologies on the outburst such as above, as I am in no state to even speak of the matter further. Yes, this is rather on code-ing now. I will put my mind at rest, as soon as my head hits the pillow...and to dream of that bright laterns once again... Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! JA!!

Do you see that picture? The one that can easily be taken at arms length. Do you see the smile that I bear? The one that deceives a friend from knowing what I really feel. Does the mixed emotion show upon my face? Can you tell if at that moment this candid shot was taken before the happy moments? Or prolly the worst ones? Its hard to tell. Even after looking at how vain a person can be, maybe I was happy for a minute or two. Does the anxiety show through my eyes? Or am I really blind sometimes? This was taken at my ex-store, the place of good times and somehow the past haunts me again, the moment I step into that very place. Funny how that turned out...that perhaps, taking a self candid shot was the only time I could be myself and express the true feelings flowing out through my veins. A smile turning into a smirk. A wink turning into a blink. After all the days, passing by like a flowing stream, it would be impossible to hold back the fears, passion, and the faith that is buried deep, deep down, somewhere in this little heart. Pathetic, yet convincing enough. So desu ne~ Ja mata ne! (-.-)"

• Pizza topping of pepperoni and loads of cheesy flavour.
• Vodka Iced with lemon sinking to the bottom of the glass.
• My moley moley Moleskine is a working progress and I scout for new designs when I can on the web.
• An Island that provides the utmost relaxing day (or even night *wink*wink*)
  
• No strings attached, not too keen on short term lurve either.
• Tired eyes, Brain fried but still manages to get up at six in the morning on most days.
• Priorities gone hair-wired, buffering alot these days.
  
• Furst time in 3 years, the toilet bowl at de' Ex-Store has totally been smashed by some giant piggy.
• Missed the eclipse last 22nd July 2009 at 8:48am...((DARN IT!!))
• Laptop on ze' next list of things to get...URGENT! (mostly cause me staff is prolly sick that I keep using theirs)
  
• Maulit's phone RAWKS!! It's a sony ericsson that costs around 1k *sniffles* with WIFI.
• Surprisingly, eating at the Asian Delight restaurant at Kota Kinabalu International Airport was pretty good.
• Famish as hell...gonna have Nasi Lemak with Fried Chicken. "GRrowL", says me stomach.
• A dead duck with so many things to do for the next month
• Might be half bald when the year is over... huhuhuhu...
• Needs a good pampering any where
• Getting a massage sounds SaWeet but then I might end up punching the person instead because of the pain
• A different kind of massage is ALWAYS welcomed *EviL Grin*
  
• Crusing in a Vespa is kinda cool, what's more if one was in Europe.
• Happier if things were as innocent as before, no lies, no worries, just Happy days.
• The more you see odd mugs on the top of La Marzocco, you'd know there are some faithful peeps dropping every once in awhile.
• Loving my Banana Republic Jacket, as it has thick layers and perhaps too comfy, my eyes are shutting to sleep.
• Checking out the CIOs when drinking at JUGS, Sutera Habour
• Commeting on skimpy clothes or weird clothing people wear when they're out clubbing.
• Wishing I can have a crop hairstyle...need to lose the fats..
• Mishing him...all over again...and he finally congratulated me on my promotion..AWwWww.
• Going to see him in October, oh calm the nerves now.
• Hopelessly devoted to him....up to now... I don't know why. Perhaps hoping something might turn out to be what I really want in Life.
• In a dilemma on whether it's the right thing to do...only one friend agrees with me that anyone should be given a chance to have a change in behaviour or rather reinforced one's goal to success.
• Violin lessons?? or Japanese Courses??
• Vacation Intentions: Phuket, Bali, Japan, New Zealand, Langkawi??? Yes PLEASE!
• Anime I mish watching for chillaxing purposes.
  
• Tattoo for pleasure or pain....nice to see, hell to pay in the next life
• Superstar Brown Leather Adidas Shoes: RM198 on promotion, till when? Uncertain.
• Line dancing is a fun way to get some exercise..
• Rapunzel-like hair....COMING SOON!
• Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi.... (-o-) ZzZzZzzzz...........*
  

If everything was simple enough to follow, if everyone had the most similiar thoughts running through their heads, and if everyone could look at each other the same way...wouldn't it be the sweetest thing ever...the smell of precious victory. If everything wasn't about the money, if everyone had the same kind of thinking that perhaps the good things that you did was the most achievable thing you ever did....wouldn't it be the most couragest thing anyone has ever done. I can't seem to understand half of what the people have to say...its like they talking in tongues...or perhaps mumbling to oneself about their lives...sadly speaking in codes that maybe only their soul mates can understand them. I can't help them as I myself am helpless in times of doubt.
Marshmellow noticed that the inner child in me is almost gone. That was perhaps the one thing I fail to realise... and in that moment I end up lost of words. Because I am evolving into a person I hardly even know and it hits me hard when she mentioned that to me. I just felt like I wanted to cry and perhaps I would feel awfully better. The strides taken to walk a little more further than a person usually does, becomes so far that I couldn't catch up...I was falling behind. I had lost sight of my friend who needed me the most, and I failed to catch up. Too caught up in my own dreary life, I fail to respond to the needs of others. Then again, life is complicated...yours and mine. We're in this big ferris wheel that keeps going round and round, only stopping for someone who wants to get on, or perhaps tired of life, jumping out, without any fear where he/she would land. But you and I, we decide to stay even if the ride becomes slow and we see the same scenery everyday. It becomes us, the ride becomes us...and we in turn; become vunerable. Looking at the ride as a waste of time, but yet it pays the bills. Not a mind reader, I can only take in little by little of what you feel. So please don't mention that there is something you'd like to talk about and just leave me stranded in the rain, I am only person, a friend you can try to count on...not a toy descarded on the shelf, with a torn shirt and cotton sticking out from places. I am frail to the point that there wasn't anyone to talk to, not a person who I could release my own ideas or dreams to. Those people have gone further than I've been. I can see them like a small image in a clear distance. Do I approach them at this point of time? No, instead I run the other direction, uncertain what I want to say...then, end up in a fallen pit, unable to get out. I so stranded at where I am, I believe to be waiting for time to pass by ever so quickly...nobody to count on, nobody to believe in, to hold my hand. They have gone their separate ways...It saddens me.

Days when you feel like a flightless bird is when no one pays attention to what you have to say or rather the other way around. You block out the sound and all that is polluting your brain. Your tired eyes droops down slowly, causing you to rub your eyes countless times, just to get the irritation away...to give you clear vision of what you want to see, in the dark.
I've been going back and forth to my ex store, perhaps just to gain some peace and quiet...rather to feel the wrath that haunts me every time I step into the store. Sure, sure, this place gives me the good and awful times that repeatedly plays in my mind, but the fact still remains...I can't let go of some past that I hope to the Good Lord would let my mind at rest. Meeting up with good friends have been a juggling act. Can't please everyone, and yet I feel as though I have sort of abandon some buddies along the way. I did not come to think of the problems that others are facing are the same ones that I had to go through previously and it gives me a heart ache that I can't only give them the surface of things that may come and in hope that they'll prepare themselves for the worst...but in good time...the better. The thought of resigning from decorating the lungs seems like an impossible act and yet, my peers seem not to judge me, well...not totally upfront of course. Heavens help me it this is what my heart desires, a life time of partners not performing well, or the other lot that thinks better of themselves in order to case down disapproving looks on fellow peers. Am I talking bout my own life time? No, not entirely because everyone has gone through the roughest and narrow path that they ever stumbled on, its amazing that some managed to swim through a load of jaws that seize the seas. Rubbish you say that I jotting down or a an encrypted word that probably needs some bright scientist to solve...it's just plain simple words that define the world today....or the freaking society. MAN! I have gone outta line...I do not mean to offend anyone...really that wasn't my intention.

The difference with this past life and now is that you'll never know when it's gonna end...in other words, you don't want it to end as it makes you feel every feeling all at once...talking bout anxieties, happiness, fear, hopefulness, carefree, and perhaps a little bit lonely too. I'm looking forward to things that may be a REAL obstacle my way and at other times, easy peasy...as pie. You have people coming in and out of your life as if there was a Formula 1 race going round and round the race track, and then, at the end of the race, the cars just drive home to victory...people move on and get married, have kids, grow old and live on. Unfortunately not all end up that way. Some are still lingering on, wishing that a few years would have done him/her good. Late nights, watching men pance around in short, skimpy dresses and you thought you could bet your good buddy to give'em a kish for just RM10, or maybe more RM20.55, for an extra tip. Darn tired but it was really fun to just watch them strut their stuff...haha, what a laugh. Then you have you're friends with different personalities, amazing your daily life and making it exiciting...even by commenting on John's NY2 Beef Lasagna: Lacking of fresh tender minced-meat, more layers of pasta, lack of tomato puri, and last but not least...MORE CHEESE!! Hehehe...
Having a whole mountainful of washing to finish, pending stuff to do, what is a "day off" again? I remember it means something...like relaxing in bed, being a potato couch, watching the tube and just taking an extra loOoOog bath....uhhhh!! That is one KICK ARSE off day....and now.....those days are gone....huhuhuhu...*
There are days when you want to be swallowed whole (no, not that pathetic movie; Drag Me To Hell...thumbs down to that) and just hide, and sleep forevermore. But when you get the rhythm to move to Black Eye Peas new song; I Got A Feeling...that's when you just hang loose and move to beat...it's like a Brand New Day...WooHoo...*
Then there's that HUGE amount of Ice Cream, topped with almonds and Hersey's Chocolate...UHhhh....YUMMY!! (^^,)
I'm turning fluffy by the day and it's not funny...huhuhuhu...oh well....guess it's back to line dancing...yippee!!

Driving at 80km per hour can have it's slow moments. One minute, to think you're driving fast then the next thing you have gone past the 120mark. Crazy enough to think listening to some random music from the past can make you slow down time. Then looking to your right, a man unable to hold his eagerness to pick at his nose. On your left, a lady breaking at anything that flies down from the trees (yes, even a leaf falling). If only they could wake up from their own world and realize that the world is watching them, with amazement. Flying would not be such a problem if everyone could have their own jet planes. An even better idea, cars that could turn into hovercrafts..perhaps.
I chatted with a friend today, he runs a fitness gym. Only today did he came up with thought that has been bugging him for the past few weeks. A person said to him,"Go get a vacation and stress it all out". Unable to figure out this weird saying, he went ahead with short trip for 3 days at a nearby duty-free island. Nothing much to see, just part of the beach owned by a resort where people are able to get sun baked in the nude. The other resort, a place to gain serenity and calmness. The whole time, he and a good friend of his had a choice of RM2.50 for a bottle of mineral water or RM1.00 for a can of beer. So two days in a row, drinking with a hangover the next day and driving aimlessly in a rented car, actually gave my friend to "stress it all out". The 3rd day was to catch the next bus and go in for next graveyard shift with a lil' hangover.
All I'm saying is that at this current state that I am in...that includes everyone that has gotten a new promotion or a new car can get you excited for that moment and the anxiety will hit when the process of forking out that wad of bills to pay (this includes the stress that comes with the promotion). The nervous breakdown I had to endure and had my close friend witness it, giving me the moral support, without even judging me...has made me maybe even more vulnerable to the fact that a lot of people are counting on me not to fail. *Aaggrhhh*
Day after day after day, the tasks to complete keeps piling up. I am not complaining but I really wish there was a 25hour clock that I can have at least a little more time. Yah yah...I know.."time management, Aya-chan. Get it straighten out". *Sigh* Yes I am not optimus prime where I can get all robotic and get no sleep. I'm still a human,people!! OMG (as the partners keep saying) that I am actually complaining without even realizing it. No, I am "so" not erasing what I have to say because I want to let it out...as in "stress it out"; since I am granted NO holiday anytime soon, nor can I perform any victory dance at this point of time. *sniffles* SADNESS!!

Hmm..getting to stressed out on these petty things. The biggest challenge is probably to uphold family values (going to church, debts to be paid on time, proceed on with the business that the family is in, to be involved in village activities, etc) and having the family understand the situation I'm in, especially from otosan. *sigh*

As of now, its actually two hidden in the number 1...not to think negatively but I'm a dead duck! Head under water...for real! SUGOI!!

* everyday has been a mixed emotion and all piled up with no solid ground to hold your weight * you may have people who support you and then fail you when you're not aware * driving aimlessly and decorating the lungs is perhaps the only thing a human may do when in doubt * even the thought of quitting seems out of the question cause one can not possess the will to be strong * not worthy of this and a lil' scared to admit but to be on yer own and not know what is in store for you can make this anxiety repeat itself a lil' faster than one can expect * the rate that my body is taking, yes, otosan is right...i will collapse very very soon * some say that i should stay closer to work so as i won't be too tired out * muther said to try it first and not to get that laptop * ahhh...commitments to having a ride and paying it on time * so this will not end, a world full of debts and endless wastage of dosh that is flowing out of my hands * at this rate, everyone is hoping for something better in order to achieve a sense of happiness * i am still getting there when im already there * words fail me, and all day things running thru my head is just tiredness * hopeless * nothingness *

Its true that I am addicted to the sun when it's setting. Will not waste a moment to take out my K660i Sony and snap shots, even when on the go. It has the effect of being so bright, and to shine thru the clouds...suddenly at a blink of an eye, the soft colours set in as the sun sets peacefully...a dab of serenity. Maybe my life story has been like this for almost 3 years. All this while, when roughing it at work, just a mere barista in a coffee culture surrounding and finally getting my BiG break only just recently, effective June 14...I am getting my prayers answered...I am a store manager...after a year plus of waiting, nearly getting anxiety attacks. Survived, got a last-unexpected-wet-beer kish from my former boss, as a farewell luck...and getting sprayed with whipped cream, splashed with low fat milk (expensive too) and splated with coffee grounds..it was very much WORTH IT!! hahaha... I had to wash my hair 3 freakin times...HAIYO!! I reeked of disgustingly sweet aroma...eww..hahha. Definately a huge leap for me, considering I have been a slacker...here and there...laying low. I haven't told him yet...I don't think I will...although I am so very much tempted to. *sigh* Iie...betsoni desu.. I'll be fine...Challenging encounters that I will face, even got a hint of it today...I pray I will survive this life...and for the better... Oyasumi nasai... Ja!!

Its amazing how a lil prayer that you said a few months back is soon appeared when you're not at all aware it would pounce on so heavily. Once it hits you and you have the anxiety attack recollecting somewhere in your body (next to my heart or was it my stomach) and you find yourself takin' in all that non-existant air in...hoping it would let you breathe normally for once.

I got my prayer answered today...something along the lines of "motto" money and better job, and I did not once, perhaps selfishly did not immediately thank God for this blessing...what a fool i must have been at that moment. Being all conceited at one point and then foolish enough to step on my own shoe laces. BAKA!! *Sigh*

I don't know how I am supposed to react. Maybe some are happy that I'm finally leaving the place I've always dreaded to be at (except for when I see those happy faces of those who value my presence) and I am honestly happy, yet nervy at the knees. How do I turn to someone when I am in need in the future? How can I resolve all those petty problems in this very huge place that I'm gonna take over soon...very soon? I have no words to describe that I am feeling as if I can hurl any moment now! Oh I do dislike this uneasy feeling.

I have been getting handshakes of congratulations on my promotion the whole day and yet I do feel as I haven't done enough for my partners..I feel empty?? Is that the word that fills this anxiety in me? Oh help me...someone, anyone. I really do not like to feel this way, like a sick puppy having all the comforts of home, yet not enough hands to pet it on the head for bringing in the newspaper in from the rain outside.

I took a picture of the sunset by the WaterFront deck today, and it filled this hole in my heart. I wanted to give him a text message for this great news that I received today, and it seemed that he may not care in the end. So I forced myself to even stop trying to pair up the damage...less i wanted my heart to be torn again. My hands itch to tell him via text msg...but I believe he'll know sooner or later, perhaps chucking to himself on a "job well done". Gambatte ne Benny Kun!!

I'm worn out from today's news, and later I believe I would be covered in whipped cream and I hope none of those rotten eggs for my promotion. Hai...so des' ne.. Ja Ne!!

Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! (-o-) zZzZzZz....

lost...i wouldn't say so much that i am.."that". uncertain on the things i want to achieve and not to proceed with...i am perhaps lost with the motivation i can come with to give to others rather than to take it to my account, for my own accord. there is that dream of someone and it would be nice if it came to life. to regain all the strength in me, to move forward and be renown person.. then the slacking begins to take over this life. i am behind time and yet time is two times ahead of me, leaving me in the rain. the things that i planned to do in my mind has been displayed for me but i do not pursue to complete the task...in the end, it is left somewhere on the floor, or on my dressing table...collecting dust. i don't know whether i snore myself to sleep or whether i have the bugs biting on my leg, i am unable to sleep at normal hours...i am not stoned, just weary of what i have to do next. i can't afford this car, and im piling on debts. the dosh that i receive every 29th of each month leaves me weary and i am tired out. i can't cry about it nor can i talk to her about it cause she's not around for small talk. i dislike the fact that im not the youngest and get pinned on for being ignorant to my responsibilities. i do want to go for that working holiday with lau pan next year but will not be able to gather enough dosh by next year. I do not wish to remain in this negativity state, "demo" its eating me up like a chewed gummi bear. the comfort that i see in people, i am getting envious...little by little...and it hurts like billy-O! *gawsh* my anxiety attacks are coming back. can i hold off this fart to silent soundless, odorless thing in public. i may hurl anytime and it kills that im not as brave as others are this time round. the ball is rolling and im turning two four this year. i will not want to ask the question why everything boils down to a great relationship as ive seen only a few and its hurts like a deep wound when they're smiling for that moment. then i say to myself,"it is how the world goes".

if you're reading this, don't let it affect your brain...i just needed to clear the air. Gomene tomodachi... Ja mata ne!

How do you give up
Is it done by deciding to give up and following through it?
Or is it by taking steps away from you true feelings?

I wonder if someday I will forget the smell of his brown hair,
the feeling of his cold ears,
and the warmth from his back...

I wonder if even this pain will all disappear and be forgotten
All of it...

All of it.

With nothing left behind
Almost like there was nothing there from the beginning

Quotes from Honey and Clover