* everyday has been a mixed emotion and all piled up with no solid ground to hold your weight * you may have people who support you and then fail you when you're not aware * driving aimlessly and decorating the lungs is perhaps the only thing a human may do when in doubt * even the thought of quitting seems out of the question cause one can not possess the will to be strong * not worthy of this and a lil' scared to admit but to be on yer own and not know what is in store for you can make this anxiety repeat itself a lil' faster than one can expect * the rate that my body is taking, yes, otosan is right...i will collapse very very soon * some say that i should stay closer to work so as i won't be too tired out * muther said to try it first and not to get that laptop * ahhh...commitments to having a ride and paying it on time * so this will not end, a world full of debts and endless wastage of dosh that is flowing out of my hands * at this rate, everyone is hoping for something better in order to achieve a sense of happiness * i am still getting there when im already there * words fail me, and all day things running thru my head is just tiredness * hopeless * nothingness *

Its true that I am addicted to the sun when it's setting. Will not waste a moment to take out my K660i Sony and snap shots, even when on the go. It has the effect of being so bright, and to shine thru the clouds...suddenly at a blink of an eye, the soft colours set in as the sun sets peacefully...a dab of serenity. Maybe my life story has been like this for almost 3 years. All this while, when roughing it at work, just a mere barista in a coffee culture surrounding and finally getting my BiG break only just recently, effective June 14...I am getting my prayers answered...I am a store manager...after a year plus of waiting, nearly getting anxiety attacks. Survived, got a last-unexpected-wet-beer kish from my former boss, as a farewell luck...and getting sprayed with whipped cream, splashed with low fat milk (expensive too) and splated with coffee grounds..it was very much WORTH IT!! hahaha... I had to wash my hair 3 freakin times...HAIYO!! I reeked of disgustingly sweet aroma...eww..hahha. Definately a huge leap for me, considering I have been a slacker...here and there...laying low. I haven't told him yet...I don't think I will...although I am so very much tempted to. *sigh* Iie...betsoni desu.. I'll be fine...Challenging encounters that I will face, even got a hint of it today...I pray I will survive this life...and for the better... Oyasumi nasai... Ja!!

Its amazing how a lil prayer that you said a few months back is soon appeared when you're not at all aware it would pounce on so heavily. Once it hits you and you have the anxiety attack recollecting somewhere in your body (next to my heart or was it my stomach) and you find yourself takin' in all that non-existant air in...hoping it would let you breathe normally for once.

I got my prayer answered today...something along the lines of "motto" money and better job, and I did not once, perhaps selfishly did not immediately thank God for this blessing...what a fool i must have been at that moment. Being all conceited at one point and then foolish enough to step on my own shoe laces. BAKA!! *Sigh*

I don't know how I am supposed to react. Maybe some are happy that I'm finally leaving the place I've always dreaded to be at (except for when I see those happy faces of those who value my presence) and I am honestly happy, yet nervy at the knees. How do I turn to someone when I am in need in the future? How can I resolve all those petty problems in this very huge place that I'm gonna take over soon...very soon? I have no words to describe that I am feeling as if I can hurl any moment now! Oh I do dislike this uneasy feeling.

I have been getting handshakes of congratulations on my promotion the whole day and yet I do feel as I haven't done enough for my partners..I feel empty?? Is that the word that fills this anxiety in me? Oh help me...someone, anyone. I really do not like to feel this way, like a sick puppy having all the comforts of home, yet not enough hands to pet it on the head for bringing in the newspaper in from the rain outside.

I took a picture of the sunset by the WaterFront deck today, and it filled this hole in my heart. I wanted to give him a text message for this great news that I received today, and it seemed that he may not care in the end. So I forced myself to even stop trying to pair up the damage...less i wanted my heart to be torn again. My hands itch to tell him via text msg...but I believe he'll know sooner or later, perhaps chucking to himself on a "job well done". Gambatte ne Benny Kun!!

I'm worn out from today's news, and later I believe I would be covered in whipped cream and I hope none of those rotten eggs for my promotion. Hai...so des' ne.. Ja Ne!!

Oyasumi nasai, tomodachi!! (-o-) zZzZzZz....

lost...i wouldn't say so much that i am.."that". uncertain on the things i want to achieve and not to proceed with...i am perhaps lost with the motivation i can come with to give to others rather than to take it to my account, for my own accord. there is that dream of someone and it would be nice if it came to life. to regain all the strength in me, to move forward and be renown person.. then the slacking begins to take over this life. i am behind time and yet time is two times ahead of me, leaving me in the rain. the things that i planned to do in my mind has been displayed for me but i do not pursue to complete the task...in the end, it is left somewhere on the floor, or on my dressing table...collecting dust. i don't know whether i snore myself to sleep or whether i have the bugs biting on my leg, i am unable to sleep at normal hours...i am not stoned, just weary of what i have to do next. i can't afford this car, and im piling on debts. the dosh that i receive every 29th of each month leaves me weary and i am tired out. i can't cry about it nor can i talk to her about it cause she's not around for small talk. i dislike the fact that im not the youngest and get pinned on for being ignorant to my responsibilities. i do want to go for that working holiday with lau pan next year but will not be able to gather enough dosh by next year. I do not wish to remain in this negativity state, "demo" its eating me up like a chewed gummi bear. the comfort that i see in people, i am getting envious...little by little...and it hurts like billy-O! *gawsh* my anxiety attacks are coming back. can i hold off this fart to silent soundless, odorless thing in public. i may hurl anytime and it kills that im not as brave as others are this time round. the ball is rolling and im turning two four this year. i will not want to ask the question why everything boils down to a great relationship as ive seen only a few and its hurts like a deep wound when they're smiling for that moment. then i say to myself,"it is how the world goes".

if you're reading this, don't let it affect your brain...i just needed to clear the air. Gomene tomodachi... Ja mata ne!

How do you give up
Is it done by deciding to give up and following through it?
Or is it by taking steps away from you true feelings?

I wonder if someday I will forget the smell of his brown hair,
the feeling of his cold ears,
and the warmth from his back...

I wonder if even this pain will all disappear and be forgotten
All of it...

All of it.

With nothing left behind
Almost like there was nothing there from the beginning

Quotes from Honey and Clover

• Sappy songs will make you feel you're somebody..a person (of course) with loads of value then you end up actually wanting to be a singer.. Hysterically funny there as it was that few lines that made you think bout all the nonsense you had put up with for the last 20 years.
• After a while the words sink in..all those lines of script of music, the way that male singer sings bout how he dreams to go to Califonia to catch the girl's eye. And if that fails, he'll just drive to the sunset and catch a wave, singing his heart out as no one knows his name. Did you forget..that perhaps the cute, high key notes of the piano is setting you in the mood to feel this way? A little light headed?
• There she sings of flowers to be brought to her and looks forward to the touch of her love one. Expresses her inner thoughts, she likes how he makes her feel..listening to him talk..on and on. Then she loves to watch him sleep, as she's happy as a child just being captivated from his smile; deeply he sleeps. She closes her eyes just to dream for miles..
  

Walking aimlessly...pondering on how to get by this...forgiveness can be displayed perfectly...and yet here the lurve one goes away...leaving imprints of kisses on this shirt. How smooth and easily fooled can a naive gurl get, even at her age...just like that. The weight is bearable some days...and yet one wants to be in a relationship because fear takes over and the thought of ending up alone, even for a moment in his life...can lead to suicidal. He takes her hand only when it is necessary, as others watched her glow the inner beauty...but behind that smile, she is down right confused, lost of words...wanting to get it over with...to get hitched. He looked for a sign, anything to bring her back. To no avail...they both wanted different things from each other. Just a sense of peace that perhaps brought them together for that pathetic, screwed up yet sweet moment. Then BOOM! Waking up to see that it was a mistake. He loved someone else. The love he gave ended up being the thing she tried to hold on to...something stupid. So falling from grace...she's still moving on.

And he left a long time ahead. Falling deep...slowly *

it was great while it lasted
until he went away
once more
and then it felt empty
all the things that i wanted
to happen
was gone in an instant
so many chances to say
stay awhile
just to listen
to this battered heart
and yet
another soundless word
did not appear
but all the noise that consumed
that moment
replaced what i had to say
to hold the hand of the beholder
was not enough
no whisper to the ear
time had rushed him
to jump on the next plane out
and there again
i went frail
teared up a bit
he did not look back
perhaps glad to
walk further
and it just stops there
the messages were not enough
it did not last long
being missed
did not hit the spot directly
it was just a saying at some point
which i brought it on myself
cause maybe ole school
can get really old
then everything gets colourblind
so to deal with it is just that

secretly
hope was meant to fade
and the memories
were just once upon a story
caught up in two very different worlds
he may turned out to be
a beautiful stranger
someone i once knew
an acquaintance
a friend

Amazingly..during the raya season..I tried my luck in just text msg via phone to greet him and funny how things turned out....he msged me back. After a long while...I wasn't sure to forgive him or just act normal to his msg. *sigh* He seemed so distant...more into going in depth to reach his dream..to reach Japan ASAP. With a next target to jump on a plane next month, he invited me to go...but it seems far fetched. The language is not difficult but he speaks fluent Japanese...where as Im barely in the beginner's class....studying till midnyte's oil run dry. Mine is more of a jump on a speedy boat, go the nearest island and just live there...something like that. Avoiding me, or perhaps too busy with gurls from his hometown...or maybe just busy going round borneo...like a tourist. I have no idea what his next plan is or whether he'll actually make it to Japan....its like a dream...
Mysterious yet determined fellow....deah deah Casa Kun (**,)

Its those moments where you know won't happen for another life time.
As you try so hard to search deeper
and
forcing your mind to remember all the things that occured,
somehow just makes you make up all the things
that are actually not the same to the
original picture.
Makes one frightful,
stupid, loved but then again..
it isn't the truth at all.

If the waves crashing onto those big boulders,
would it be the same to imagine it as if it were somewhat soft..
just like cotton..or a stuffed pillow
with feathers
Then again.....
whoever heard of a fluffy pillow by the side of the beach

*sigh*

The sight of you makes me weak
Fluttery feeling in my stomach
A big gulp down my throat
Hands gone clammy
My cheeks blush with excitement
And yet...
I don't think we can ever have a thing for each other

Just to observe one's grace at work
Can just be enough for one's satisfaction
An unseen harmless giggle
Could almost brighten up your day
Liquor in your system
No it's done only in Tea Tasting rooms

Everything i say
Or do
Can look totally wrong in my peers eyes
So what is right for me?
You?
The question lies uncertain
As it is said that
Cupid comes to town
The day after tomorrow
To have a shoot-and-select
For the soul mates

But not for me
Not this year or this time
Maybe i have to wait a little longer..
Longer than you

*sigh*

Nervousness creeping in mah veins
I don't really let it bother me too much
Aching feet, pins and needles
Looking forward to be growing more intellect
and gain more knowledge, so as not to slack
Having the power is not important
Reliable comrades I need to depend on
A new scene, a new start
Competition is not mah game
Self tee-up is never the way to show you're better
Bragging about the best thing you've done
Leave it to others to praise you
Just be yourself, more humble infact
Trust your instincts
Don't be fooled by false pretense
In other words,
Be aware of your surroundings..
Cause as of right now..
I've got new shoes to fill
and Im on mah way to a HOME RUN..
((excuse mah french..SukeBlooorrr..))

There are times
when I want someone to look at me the way I look at him.
But then again,
who am I kidding...he doesn't even know my name.
As the eyes connect,
just at a glance and we try our hardest
to see who would look away first
But if he can show me
on how serious he is..even about the tiniest little thing
then perhaps, my perspective of him
would change.
After all,
the only barrier that keeps our gazes focused
is the smuged glass
between us both.....just him and me

My anime boy...

give and take
isn't that what we call friendship
whether it's with your parents,
siblings or friends
isn't there a thing where
both can be right at the same time
yet afraid to admit they did wrong
in the end

so when one moves on
and tries not to look back
maybe on her off days
she'll go back home
but to be a burden to others
is all that she can take
and feels that a time to get out
is now or never

probably she'll regret it
but for now
she has to breathe
suffocation and anxieties
all coming back
to build up
where it hurts the most

im gone

and going.....

News travels fast.

Sometimes it comes in a nice package;

Others just comes as a bad smell.

Whether we like it or not..

We cannot avoid it

As it boils down to whether we can

Take it and swallow it whole.

Seen a thousand faces,

And to know that you can still

Mish them and smile to know

They're your friends;

thru thick or thin.

Then comes the tough part.

It is to test whether you can

Accept them for leaving you

for their own reasons.

Whether it is falling out on a bad relationship,

Transfering to another work environment,

Or just getting out of the job

To run from their problems.

And if you know it'll be ages till you see them again,

You're wondering if you can ever part from them

Or whether you can forgive them for leaving.

So all I'm saying is...

I'm losing my dear friends,

Although I've only met them less than a year,

And also those I've known for eons.

But all I can do is hope and pray..

That we're not forgotten

No matter the distance,

Or the unseen circumstances..

That keeps us apart.

I will mish you all...

Hurt just a little
Left stranded in the rain
Once again
I know how she felt
During those teenage years
And i guess it felt like shit

It was cruel of me
To laugh inside
To feel a little evil
Can sometimes get in your skin
And only today
I feel sorry for her
As i feel sorry for myself

So i cried just a little
and the tears would not stop
Why did it hurt so much
As if a pin was poking so hard
at my already wounded heart

Is it karma that got back at me?
Or is just a way for me
To realise
That i am not the fool
Nor was she at her time in school

But the person involved
Who left 'us' girls stranded
In the icy cold
wet rain...

Im teary eyed
As i now realise
I can never face him
Nor can i ever bring myself
To speak to him
Ever..
Again...

*Sigh*
Here we are, going about our daily lives...and to what extend?
Holding on to the memory we thought was lost?
Though so close, yet we're drifting apart...even more.
So I think to myself, "How long must I be put on hold?"
I can't stand it that when I'm out of sight, out of mind,
You'd rather have me hang around and not give me hope.
So I really must move on because
I'm tired of waiting in vain.
It's as if my heart will not rest unless
I'm given a valid answer of what I am to you.
We're grown up and we have to start to think less like a child,
and have a glimpse of the reality before us.
Cause if the pieces don't fit anymore, then
what we are to do but just remain....
as friends.

Enough said...

The most sweetest and generous person I've come across
this time around..is so far away from me.
Its his smile that makes me feel at ease...the way his
dimples just appear, especially when he laughs
from the heart.
Though blistered and in pain...I find comfort in him.
He offers protection, and lets me hold on for
support if I'm frail.
He's charming to me...even in other people's eyes,
I know he cares for others.
Kind hearted soul...Shakes his head when he talks.
Grins at something like those "transformers"
we saw at the side of the road.
Widens his eyes when he sees something exciting..
yet he doesn't want to close his eyes
when I'm there.
Smoothest dancer I've ever seen...it kills me that
he's soOo sizzling hot on the dance floor.
One last night to take a breather...
looking at the place below us..
we had to depart to go back to reality.
He gave me the pin he won...
and I will mish everything we've gone thru..
Round the town, in my new white heels..
I will never forget..
For we were strangers....
and are now are in question.....


we are one....just one for that sweet memory.

I mish you...

Its in the air, definitely...whether we can embrace it or just can't live without it..surely we would want it badly one day. Its the universal need that everyone is searching for. Even if you're still a toddler wanting to be cuddled, a teen just having infatuations, an adult who is searching for the right one to be with...it comes in all forms.

Perhaps one would regard it to having the wildest night of your life, while others look at it as satisfaction. Some lonely heart would see it as the only way out and become desperate for its touch..the feeling of it to be inside them. They are not to be mocked at because it's a free world...you're entitled to live the life as you see fit, no questions about that.

Whether we end up being who we are and have the things we want...I am certain it will go well as according to plan. There's no need to complicate things...this is our time, so don't fret where we might end up. Its true I can't see myself not being your friend even if we're not together. How you want it, is your decision...its your free will.

And I can finally say...I'm not searching anymore...I found him...

So.....we get scared once in a while; whether its about getting you're 1st milk tooth out or praying you won't be caught sneaking out of the house. Im scared perhaps that the fact that he may love me because he has a deep long lost feeling for me over the years...and to think Im feeling the same way too. So are we scared that it will not work out or is it a rebound because we're lonely? I need assistance on this....maybe...we were just afraid to admit that we 'do' have the chemistry and we just let it hang in mid air to see whether it'll hit us squarely on the head *sigh*

Growing up and growing out of those teen years can sometyms wear you down...cause you tend to get confused on whether you should be a kid again or grown up. Being back here in Kk, has made me mature and the lyfe style can sometyms tire you out. Tho, its Great to experience different things and meet loads of different people...i guess i tend to lean back to the memories when i was way high..as in CareFree...hehe...not the suicidal bit ;p

What im trying to say is...if we're meant to be; then....go with flow...like you said...there's nuthin to lose...and i believe that's true! *hugs*