Things aren't quite like they used to be...different faces, different places...at least we try

~ The Tress.

The things that seemed impossible to do like moving from this job for almost rotting away for 5 years is finally stepping up. Who is it? Not so little "Me!"

I can grasp it nicely in my mind. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the positive people around me. It is hard for my peers to understand why the sudden change, jumping from a demanding F&B line to tourism?? Does that make sense in our world? Honestly, its just our way of saying, "It is about time, Moe!"

Even if it means less figures into my bank account, I can actually start breathing with ease, and I can really see that THIS is my moment of Freedom!

Free from anxiety attacks...free from countless submissions of trackings, after trackings. I can see that this is my way of succeeding as my 26th year as a human being, trying to survive this depression or more like a pre-Mid Life crisis. This is it!! I am capable to push forward, earning my own place in the world.

As I see the sunset for the 1st time in a long time, I feel that it would be the Greatest feeling ever. I'm moving on with this life, no matter how challenging it may be...

By God's Grace...I can pull through!

"It's going to rain for a while, but you'll make it"

~ memo taken from Howard Schultz ONWARD book

I can't imagine how he went through with all the troubles and tribulations in his coming back as a CEO of the most profound company, just like Starbucks. Also with history coming to life when Prince William wed Kate Middleton just a few hours ago, saying goodbye to the normal life and taking the role of the Duchess of Cambridge. Its amazing and its great that I got to live through this, in order to experience it all. Whether it's through a book or through telly.

As of right now, my store is currently facing the worst time - with partners doing as they wish, my management team not on solid ground and the most obvious part is, there is no stability in this district. We're all on a loose end.

How much I would sigh and moan to all the things that may occur, has not or did not go the way as planned. Just at the point of wanting to quit and run, seemed like it was not my destiny to do so. Everyone is going ahead of me, and I am slightly standing on a limbo part, dangling from my fingertips. Do I want to move on??

So many good things and NOT so good things are falling into place, right here in this company I've been working in for the past 4 & half years. It gives one the excitement and the anxiety all at the same time, making one feel to come up with a very good decision this time around. I haven't been praying all that hard for a new job nor am I looking to improvement in the store. Is that bad that I haven't set my priorities straight?? Gawsh! Its ghastly than I thought. All this talk about putting the stick away is making me decorate more of my lungs more often, almost a box a day. THAT IS BAD!!! Nasty habit yet its repeatable!! Darn the sticks!!

If I can get rid of all the bad apples in store, would it all be perfect?? Perhaps it would be.

A sense of peace may flow from all nerves and give some oxygen to the brain cells. If only they could disappear, then the other lives would be spared. *sigh*

If how Howard Schultz left the company for a short period of time and gained his passion back in the business, then it is really okay to tender this resignation to further improve oneself's self esteem. Until then, I'm half way reading his book, in order to gain this passion back, not for you, but for myself.

The moment I touched your hands, everything turned cold and meaningless. You laid so still as if you were in a deep sleep. Although the tears poured down like rain from faces of love ones, nothing could be done. You left with such willingness, and the pain immediately stopped just as how rain would. Like a blink of an eye, the guilt built up deep in this weary heart. To be strong for others, to have lost all hope of not seeing you today, tomorrow, not even till I'm married, made me feel so much sorrow. The older you got, the less I came to visit. Crushed to see you not breathing, confused for the others not able to see you before you took your last breath. It all seems endless, with everyone wished to spent more time with you, to eat, laugh and pray with you. How many regretted not saying the words that they meant to say, that they were sorry for anything that was said, done and forgotten. The birthday parties, Christmas loving, harvest festival will not be the same without you there to welcome us with open arms. The small shop will be meaningless without you there, sitting on your lazy chair and watching your favourite dramas on tv. Things would not be the same for us...It would not be same for me....who very much enjoys your company. I mish you and as we are praying for your safety to paradise, that you display the same kindness on us all too....thank you for all the sweet memories and the treasured time you had spent with us, and most of all...with me. Love your grandaughter.

I did not cry much the day she passed away
Always thought that I could buy myself time to see her when I was not busy
Even then I did not grew close to her
And to regret it would be useless
I used to think that her world revolves around me
That I was her favourite grandchild
Needless to say that I was winning a losing battle
To compete with countless cousins that were born
Earlier and ending up much cuter than me
I was always in the back seat
Not really caring in the world that I was "one" of the grandchildren
Who's grandma had loads of children to cuddle & hug with
There was a time I wrote letters to her
It was pleasant and sweet
Just like I had a pen pal to write to,
Every now and then
Was it I who grew up too fast to find new friends,
To forget such a caring woman such as herself?
The letters stopped coming and going
Our lives went a little too much forward
For now that I weep with my family members
To have lost a wonderful person such as my grandmother
Perhaps it would never be okay
To see a grown man cry
Or a young girl to cry her eyes out
For the sister, wife, mother, cousin, grandma, great grandma
Who wishes to be remembered
Like the way she was alive and healthy
The thought of God bringing her to a safer place
A place where one would call it their paradise
Is finally coming to a close
As the prayers and days are almost up
for crucial parts towards the passing
These are the times that in every heart of every person
There is a sense of loss
Yet the need to grow happier for
the wonderful woman that Grandma
Has always been and
Forever shall be....

I mish you so much even if my actions don't show it....

Rest In Peace, Grandma...

...you won't be forgotten

I guess the dumbest thing
I ever did and
I hope I will never
ever do
is to meet a person such as yourself
The most untrustworthy fink
that I've always seen
which others
fall for
and after it all
I ended up
falling for a jerk, such as yourself
Perhaps the sweet talk
did work after all
It was lame at most times
and yet I just wanted you
not to love you
it was more for companionship
You know the type when old couples grow old
and not have intimacy, but rather
the comfort of each other rather
I never did, I'm afraid
I never did love
someone such as yourself
It was just plain stupid which ended up
pretty simple really
and I was glad that I got to get out
and not to be waiting in vain
for a ridiculous fool such as yourself
Back as to why there wasn't any
love in that connection?
A bastard as one could see
you weren't different
from your brother
after all
you are like twins
just from a different time line
Annoyed as I was
I could finally breathe
Being solo for such a long time
made me realize
I haven't reached my
destination yet
I knew that we would not survive
the distance
I was not weary
but rather bored to my bones
there wasn't anything exciting
about "us"
No Christmas presents
appeared,
just a very much delayed text
saying
"oh yeah! Cheers to you"

I've moved on
and now you're no longer
on my friend's list
I glad for me
.....finally!

There are some things that I will never forget...the last 11 months has been a blessing with you all. Even though there were hardships along the way, and then others have found their way out, it will always end up in tears of sadness, yet a relief in all hearts. So to you, I say "Celebrate Life as though it was your last. Never give up on the things that were meant to look onward. Find peace in your hearts and speak more of kind words to each other"
The time when you want others to stay on, it may not be possible. Friends move along to find greener pastures and others are left behind. Some may sought in weariness and end up counting on the others that have no heart to stay on. It is difficult to keep a child at its normal height and weight, and yet each day, the child grows. Bursting with energy, as we have lived before...roaming in new open spaces. Oh how we would love to venture out and try to find our comfort zone...until then, let us take a trip to the foot of the mountain, to enjoy each others' warmth for the very last moment...I will mish you all dear friends that I've known since 2006, right here in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. May the Good Lord bless you all and keep you safe.

Sixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

Just a song we shared, I'll hear

Brings memories back when you were here

Of your smiles, your easy laughter

Of your kiss, those moments after

I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

Of the dreams we dreamt together

Of the love we vowed would never

Melt like snowSixto Rodriguez ~ I Think Of You

flakes in the sun

My days now end as they begun:

With thoughts of you

And I think of you

And think of you

Down the streets I walked with you

Seeing others doing things we do

Now these thoughts are haunting me

Of how complete I used to be

And in these times that we're apart

I'll hear this song that breaks my heart

And think of you

And I think of you

And think of you

And think of you

And I do

When I was younger, mum used to pamper us with goodies..and the best ones were on a hot sunny day, my siblings and I would always have creamy Ice Cream in special transparent bowls, just like the ones in this picture. It had musical notes all around the bowl, and we would put about 3 scoops of any flavour and go wild eating it.

Although I wasn't so keen in fruits when I was WAY high, having Bananas with the ice cream means so much to a kid....especially me!

Having a banana split, but mum chopped them to smaller bite size and I'd mixed mine with my desert. It didn't matter if there wasn't any Hershey Chocolate Drizzle or chocolate sweet flakes for the topping...all that mattered was to have ice cream in that Musical Bowl....

My sister would always like hers in the bowl with Purple coloured musical notes and it didn't matter because I had mine in the blue one. We'd all wolf down our ice cream and always begged mum for seconds.

*Sigh* the memories of Sunny Days, Ice Cream and that colourful Musical note Bowls....its like being a kid all over again... NEAT!!

in exactly one month

the moment where every eye would

be in anticipation

to see me fail this

or get through the long

awaited

presentation

*District Coffee Master FY11*

i wouldn't have it

any other way

if there was only the

Coffee Basics ~ Coffee Series

but to have the actual do-your-own

DCM presentation

in front of the panel of judges

which might include L&D department

OM and DM

(not forgetting the coffee ambassador)

will perhaps create the

anxiety attack that

has long suppress somewhere

hidden in this mind & body

in other words..

i can tell you honestly

i am not that ready to pursue this

*whimper* m(_ _)m

the tragedy of also coming up

with the other 2 different

presentations

for my comrades

can actually cause this meltdown

do i really want this?

ARGHHhhhh..........*

...blowing in the breeze

...unaware of the destination

...floating softly

...lightly

...gracefully

...there lies a soul

....wanting more in this life

...someone to receive her

...and welcome her with

...his loving arms

Of all the things I believed in...

I just want to get it over with....

Tears fall behind my eyes...

But I do not cry...

Counting the days to past me by...

It natural that this would go on...

A day or two...

It would stretch on for months...

Until I find you...

In my world...

And that we're on the same page...

To start over...to get over...

This heartfelt feeling....

Torn..

Twisted...

Tales to live by...

Words were so pleasing...

So sweet...

Too inviting...

Mind restless...

Anxiety reacts differently this time...

At loss once more...

Unbearable...

Stinging these eyes...

Swore it would affect so tragically...

And yet...

I lied to this innocent heart...

With such a convincing face...

And its trashed...

Tainted to the core...

Fallen to this foolish games...

Suffering...

Shivering....

Tears running...

Heavy is this bitter heart...

I can't stop but just scream it all out...

This pathetic look is wearing out...

Ashamed to look around...

Sad that it ended in such a way...

Like something stupid...

Happened......

.................................twice...

This winter has been a waste cause she is the one you are the one Each day is always the same I’m wondering why, I keep getting up Another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss you I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you What could I do This friendship is just a fling comfort for cover when I love the most The feeling of you The colour on your face In delicate spring another gift from the maker when I love you like that I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss You What Could I do Well you’ve had the chance to save me Well you’ve had the chance to save me over and over again well you’ve had the chance you’ve had the chance over and over again I’m looking away Cause it’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away Cause It’s hard not to say I Miss You what could I do I’m looking away in an effort to say I Miss you another gift from the maker when I love you like that I Miss You I Miss You

i wish to tell you

what lays deep in this

tragic heart of mine

a longing

of some sort

its difficult to put into words

i can't describe it

very well to you

envious

of others living

a great deal of a life

though may trouble arise

but it is still

the togetherness of love ones

that brings this

weight

to this heavy heart

A kid named Chester: Wonder Boy

There I was minding my own business when the little boy came hand in hand with his 28year old female cousin. He had his yellow hood over his head, quiet as a mouse and only speaking in whispers. Little did I know, he was at the age where he was still learning to talk properly and was a very, very active child. It occurred to me that it has been a long time since made close contact with such a young child, probably in his toddler years of 2 or 3 years. He wasn't the kind that was the extremely cutest boy you've seen, nor did his face showed any prettiness about it. It was more to the part where he was adorable to the point where you just couldn't leave him be and be playing by himself. That was justice at all. Even if part of me did not want to get involved in any of the discussions held that night, as it was my aunt's wedding planning and stuff, I couldn't help but to be drawn to this adorable boy. His laugh was totally cute, husky in a way and he got bored really fast. Hmm... at the same time, if a game we played made him laugh the 1st time, he'd want to do it over and over again. Then it brought me to the conclusion that I do mish my old job back in Brunei, where I could teach and play with the young kids to the extend that I become a kid myself as well. That was FUN!! I did not feel a day old when there were at least 20 kids running around and having fun, even though there were quarrels over whose toys was the best or rather it were blocks or stuffed toys belonged in which box. It was the relationship spent together and that night, I felt it with little Chester. He brought me to think that I was still capable of being myself, even if the world did not care who I was or what the hell I was doing at my aunt's place, or whether the BBQ smelled awfully good. It was that wonder boy that really made my day...and I will cherish that moment.

I mish my childhood days....the same ones that Little Chester is experiencing right now...I mish that *sigh*

you can have it any other way

whether it is to live in a confusing life

to be happy with different people

living comfortably with love ones

or just wishing all the negativity to disappear all together

you can have it any other way

whether to run for the hills

to scream out loud till your lungs burst

living in anxiety and tears

or just wishing all that was in the past to repeat itself

gracefully

you can have it any other way.....*

Anya Marina ~ Satellite Heart

So pretty, so smart

Such a waste of a young heart!

What a pity, what a sham

What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it's wrong, can't you get it right?

Out of mind and outta sight

Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys

Put a lid on all that noise!

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop, I start

But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene

You know I haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing I see

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop, I start

But I'll be true to you

I'm a satellite heart

Lost in the dark

I'm spun out so far

You stop I start

But I'll be true to you no matter what you do

Yeah I'll be true to you

Was it the way that the annoying one got to my mind and played countless tricks on me?

Was it that cheeky smile, and have one’s teeth stick out oddly cute?

Was it the small talk that got to the brain and made me think more and more?

Or was it because my heart was so moved that it couldn’t stay away?

Darn it!

I want to stay away but every time it gets more intense

Then I’m helplessly falling

Deeper and deeper, it is hard to climb out

Always I tell myself I will get out of it the next day

But it never comes

As I’m drawn to this younger soul

An attached one for that matter

Then this weight is getting bigger by the minute

It is hard to avoid the fact that I am in love with this being

I can’t tell what’s right and wrong anymore

It is as if I am blinded

Walking aimlessly with a cloud over my head

Then one day as if it was meant to be

Her heart was deceived so badly

For the second time

And this time it was the tears that flowed non-stop

For a friend to be a foe

To watch such a fragile person suffer

This veins pumping blood

As thick as one can get

The soul longer can't contain this pathetic desire

Dressed in rags

What a pity, what a sham

What's the matter with your man?

It will come back to me

This thing called Karma

And I will feel it the most

Whimpering soul is terrified to its wits

I am only human...*

"Secretly" ~ Skunk Anansie

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY TIME,
BEEN SO SUBTLY KIND,
I GOT TO THINK SO SELFISHLY,
'COS YOU'RE THE FACE INSIDE OF ME.

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY DAYS,
U SEE EVIDENTLY IT PAYS,
I'VE BEEN A FRIEND,
WITH UNBIASED VIEWS,
THEN SECRETLY LUST AFTER YOU.

SO NOW HE'S GONE RUSTY
YOU'RE BORED AND BEMUSED.

YOU WANNA DO SOMEONE ELSE,
SO YOU SHOULD BE BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,

SECRETLY.

TRYING HARD TO THINK PURE,
BLOODY HARD WHEN I'M RAW,
YOU TALKING OUT SO SEXUALLY,
'BOUT BOYS 'N GIRLS AND YOUR FRIGGIN' DREAMS

SO NOW YOU FEEL LUSTY,
YOU'RE HOT AND CONFUSED,
SO NOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED,
YOU'RE CAUGHT FEELING USED.

YOU HAD TO DO SOMEONE ELSE,
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,

SECRETLY,

SECRETLY.

Carefree

we use to feel the sense of freedom:

to speak, laugh and live to the fullest

Ending up

lost in confusion, despair and mostly

a little heartache

that fills up the void nowadays

Longing to gain that momentum

to once again

be surrounded by people I love

and care about

Then again...

Its gone, going, gone

I mish you it hurts *sob*