Things aren't quite like they used to be...different faces, different places...at least we try

~ The Tress.

The things that seemed impossible to do like moving from this job for almost rotting away for 5 years is finally stepping up. Who is it? Not so little "Me!"

I can grasp it nicely in my mind. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in the positive people around me. It is hard for my peers to understand why the sudden change, jumping from a demanding F&B line to tourism?? Does that make sense in our world? Honestly, its just our way of saying, "It is about time, Moe!"

Even if it means less figures into my bank account, I can actually start breathing with ease, and I can really see that THIS is my moment of Freedom!

Free from anxiety attacks...free from countless submissions of trackings, after trackings. I can see that this is my way of succeeding as my 26th year as a human being, trying to survive this depression or more like a pre-Mid Life crisis. This is it!! I am capable to push forward, earning my own place in the world.

As I see the sunset for the 1st time in a long time, I feel that it would be the Greatest feeling ever. I'm moving on with this life, no matter how challenging it may be...

By God's Grace...I can pull through!

"It's going to rain for a while, but you'll make it"

~ memo taken from Howard Schultz ONWARD book

I can't imagine how he went through with all the troubles and tribulations in his coming back as a CEO of the most profound company, just like Starbucks. Also with history coming to life when Prince William wed Kate Middleton just a few hours ago, saying goodbye to the normal life and taking the role of the Duchess of Cambridge. Its amazing and its great that I got to live through this, in order to experience it all. Whether it's through a book or through telly.

As of right now, my store is currently facing the worst time - with partners doing as they wish, my management team not on solid ground and the most obvious part is, there is no stability in this district. We're all on a loose end.

How much I would sigh and moan to all the things that may occur, has not or did not go the way as planned. Just at the point of wanting to quit and run, seemed like it was not my destiny to do so. Everyone is going ahead of me, and I am slightly standing on a limbo part, dangling from my fingertips. Do I want to move on??

So many good things and NOT so good things are falling into place, right here in this company I've been working in for the past 4 & half years. It gives one the excitement and the anxiety all at the same time, making one feel to come up with a very good decision this time around. I haven't been praying all that hard for a new job nor am I looking to improvement in the store. Is that bad that I haven't set my priorities straight?? Gawsh! Its ghastly than I thought. All this talk about putting the stick away is making me decorate more of my lungs more often, almost a box a day. THAT IS BAD!!! Nasty habit yet its repeatable!! Darn the sticks!!

If I can get rid of all the bad apples in store, would it all be perfect?? Perhaps it would be.

A sense of peace may flow from all nerves and give some oxygen to the brain cells. If only they could disappear, then the other lives would be spared. *sigh*

If how Howard Schultz left the company for a short period of time and gained his passion back in the business, then it is really okay to tender this resignation to further improve oneself's self esteem. Until then, I'm half way reading his book, in order to gain this passion back, not for you, but for myself.

There are some things that I will never forget...the last 11 months has been a blessing with you all. Even though there were hardships along the way, and then others have found their way out, it will always end up in tears of sadness, yet a relief in all hearts. So to you, I say "Celebrate Life as though it was your last. Never give up on the things that were meant to look onward. Find peace in your hearts and speak more of kind words to each other"
The time when you want others to stay on, it may not be possible. Friends move along to find greener pastures and others are left behind. Some may sought in weariness and end up counting on the others that have no heart to stay on. It is difficult to keep a child at its normal height and weight, and yet each day, the child grows. Bursting with energy, as we have lived before...roaming in new open spaces. Oh how we would love to venture out and try to find our comfort zone...until then, let us take a trip to the foot of the mountain, to enjoy each others' warmth for the very last moment...I will mish you all dear friends that I've known since 2006, right here in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. May the Good Lord bless you all and keep you safe.

Times sure have changed for most people.

The things that were once good and pure in the past,

have turned dull and less exciting than the present.

I've come to realize that coming out

and being honest in a way that it does have its advantages.

The secretive mode has hit one on the head

and you'd wake up to smell the sunshine once again.

It is difficult to look in the eye of the friend who thought it was a good idea to rat out on his peers. At lost of words, sitting there.

Change,

how do we change a leopard's spots? The thing that eats us whole and leaves us boneless to the extent that we do cover up the remnants somewhere, where it is impossible to find. Then again, if just one scientist, A scientist...were to discover that a particular leopard actually changed it's spots the moment it hits 4 years of age and that would be the discovery for mankind. It would even mean the possibility for man to change his ways, to the better. FIN

How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

I really couldn't wait to get out of my own country and actually welcome peninsular as my escape from the reality world. To be away from the hectic schedule, away from people that I spend 24/7 with, to be away entirely from the headache and heartache that has been eating me up slowly for the past 3 years. Yes, finally I could get away and breathe little by little intake of oxygen and just be on HOLS with the fams. Brader couldn't make it with us this trip and that's okay. Actually, missed the flight by ONE freaking day, due to sistah's hiccup and busy schedule. A loss on RM502 just madly and desperately wanting to escape this place, even if it were just for 5 days. The thing is, it will appear that I do not want to continue on this journey of self- discovery because after all, it came to a conclusion that this is not the kind of life that I want to look up to for the rest of my life. "Spark" has been doing most my work load and I am grateful for that. "Deah" couldn't care less on the things that are vital just because I have a shitless attitude at the mo. I mean seriously, Spark has been the person who understands me and has been my mental support, to the extend that he's doing all for me...in order that I do not leave this forsaken company!! I got all teary-eyed just trying to console him while I'm here on vacation with my fams...but at the same time, I just want this nonscensical lifestyle to be OVER!! I mean, how can you as a person try to maintain all your partners to stay on, and yet the workload is unbearable that the GOOD ones want to leave? I'm not saying me for say. I'm saying that the system is getting way on top of one's head that one does not progress the way that she should be progressing! Its' insane to know that every little thing is been recorded and with the freaking variance countable for, makes the anxiety attacks more frequent than ever. It is something that one finally realizes that as one progresses further up in the company, it is no longer praise worthy of, rather the efforts done are all in vain, which includes trying to keep up with the freaking time frame and at the same time to allow another deadline to overcome the mind, which is equal to a person's mental state! This job is for the obsessed, the "Gung-Ho" people and for those who see this as a dead end to life's financial freedom. If a re-shufflement is to be made within this period, I welcome it very much but I will wash my hands clean to move on. The people that comes to mind will leave me at ease and soon, I will start over to the next chapter in life.




FIN..

There would be a day when I will look through the glass panels of the store and will not be able to imagine what they do behind closed doors. It would be the time when the slightlest problem that I will not be able to help any of my friends with. It will be the time when I can only reach the nearest is at that wooden door that separates all baristas from ex- partners. It will be the time when I will not be able to smile from the bar at the customer and say,"How was your day sir/ miss?" or even," I didn't catch your name just now. Are you from around here? How was your flight from your country?" It will be the time when I can finally be THE customer and get response from the baristas that will greet me within the 30 seconds time frame and call out the drinks within 3 minutes. It will be the time when I can finally relax in normal clothes and surf the net endlessly, provided the WIFI is in excellent mode. Then there would be sad and undenialble part where I will feel utterly regret on the deepest side of my heart that I left out of frustration and not satisfation. However, there would be a sense of freedom, a sure peaceful and huge relief that will flow through this aching bones. This patience is wearing me out, as I look forward to it more to get a break and not struggle to keep up with nonsensical trackings, cost saving of labour and products, no more perishable goods nor any more of wasting time on following up with people who have no intention to have a tie-in with you, rather that you would fade out, without any hesitation. It will be time when I can sit down, chillaxs and focus on the important details to why people would love to work in this line and yet complain that it doesn't pay enough. Some to the extend to saying that it's like going back to school, and going through learning again and perhaps is troublesome for them. Learning process is good but to get to the top where you have to impress the people who don't care two hoots to what you're trying to achieve and rather focus more on your faults, then by all means, this means this kind of profession is not for the either one of us. The yearning to just be at the bar, to perfect that handcrafted beverage or even to get that yummy sandwich for only RM11.90 before tax in your tummy is all there is to being a barista. This position to be a barista up to management level and making sure the customers keep their complains to themselves is all that the top bosses care in this line. To deliver the experience and have "measurable" results is utterly hard to swallow and yet, you can get a letter for not performing. "To quit is to be a loser at your own game" as what my friend has said to me and somehow, I answered that perhaps that is what I want to end up as...a person to lose to all the challenges that displays before me because I have had enough of all the ragging, endless nagging, and wanting to save one's ass from getting fried from the upper deck. Perhaps the opportunity lies better in the hands of those who are still loyal to this company. Is it ever different in other parts of the world? That you have to tell me yourself as I have yet to work where you are now. As of now, the whole main idea is to break free from this endless shifts and coming to work even on off days. This nonsensical routine will cease to exist and I will not have to look at another unapproved disgusted look from such person, ever.

So desu ne....JA!!

Tis the season to be Jolly...??


Hah...yah i will be jolly when I can scout for a new job and be done and over with this fantabulous company. There's a need to move on, after all it has been 3 years running and I am nowhere happy with this kind of life any more. Yah, the training benefits of travelling and learning, coaching and being a mentor of my own store...that is not my dream anymore. The longing to settle down, to get a beach house and drive a etty-bitty car is sufficient for me. The yearning to be in the Lime light once and for all with my siblings is all I can ask for. Having the parentals agreeing to it, and even my oldest sister, Nut2 supporting this very reason to leave Starbucks Coffee Malaysia is all I ever wished for.

So this is my new year's resolution: 1) Get an office job...office hours that is..hehe. 2) Get a night job as a contract singer. 3) Spending time and getting more close-nitted with my family & relatives. 4) To go for those random weddings and perhaps sadly to get a soul mate some where in that function. 5) To have all the time to myself, catching up on learning Japanese, art crafts, scrapbooking, etc.

Nut2 said the fams is praying that I end up with some Auzzie fellow, and although I am hoping for any guy to appear, I have decided that it perhaps is not my fate to be in a realtionship during this point of time. Why you might ask? First and foremost, I do not want to end up love-dovey and be floating on cloud 9 and get hurt again. Hahha...yah fear tends to creep up my skin everytime I allow myself to be lead on. The other part is, I do not look forward to hurting the person either, which in the end will make me have anxiety attacks and be more frustrated with such a person, and also disappointing myself in the end.

Back to my "wanting" to move on....

And so, im tired to try to make it in this company. It has been 3 years, 1 month and 8 days have I been trying to keep my cool in this line. So lets break it down...I want O-U-T!!!

Retire and become a traveller. That is a dream come true. To be brave and go around the world as a backpacker. Fearless though a lil' fragile. So what's stopping me back in my tracks?? Countless debts in order to have a fantabulous, not so luxurious life, to have a few drinks on the house and to decorate the lungs endlessly...YAH! That's why. *sigh* Have to stop this bad habits, but old habits die hard.

The things people do these days just to get things in order, organised, and to achieve the fullest potential that they can go, is prolly the hardest thing a human being can do. Why?? It is because they have to constantly motivate themselves if not from others but by themselves in order to reach the specific results needed. Today I have shamed myself infront of my peers, my management, my friends and mostly, infront of my DM. I have not allowed myself to regain the strength needed to show that I am capable of maintaining the store's ambiance, instead, I decided to give up and not pull through. Was I giving it up, just so that I did not have to tackle any challenge that comes my way?? Was it the best solution to say that I am vunerable and let my partners see that I am not well knowledegable?? I do not care less that the other people that I used to know have taken a sore feeling towards me because even if every month I do need their help, the same advantage has been taken against me. So I would call that fair and square. By far, I am also trying to survive in this bloody business, to save my team's ass before theirs and to know that my team may have their flaws but does not mean they cannot reach to the top. I know I have not set any directions for my team, and that is why I can't say much at this point of time. Yes, the lack of communication is really to the point where one would feel helpless and at the same time too proud to ask for help. Blah blah blah, star skills and such, it all boils down to how the team is not at all communicating at the same sound wave. Its true. The leader has yet to learn all the skills and have the knowledge capacity to teach the unfortunate to develop such skills in order not to be left behind. The fact that the guidance from way before has not been an A+ coaching as it was more of a rush-rush process resulting in not held by the hand, rather left for the kill. Left stranded and the initiative done was more on a trial and error basis. FIN (-.-)

give and take
isn't that what we call friendship
whether it's with your parents,
siblings or friends
isn't there a thing where
both can be right at the same time
yet afraid to admit they did wrong
in the end

so when one moves on
and tries not to look back
maybe on her off days
she'll go back home
but to be a burden to others
is all that she can take
and feels that a time to get out
is now or never

probably she'll regret it
but for now
she has to breathe
suffocation and anxieties
all coming back
to build up
where it hurts the most

im gone

and going.....