Carefree

we use to feel the sense of freedom:

to speak, laugh and live to the fullest

Ending up

lost in confusion, despair and mostly

a little heartache

that fills up the void nowadays

Longing to gain that momentum

to once again

be surrounded by people I love

and care about

Then again...

Its gone, going, gone

I mish you it hurts *sob*

physically drained out from all the bickering
the anguish in people's mind
and most of all,
the consistency of the life
that I'm living in

believe me
when I say that it is
and will forever will be
the people that I've met throughout
these 4 and a half years that has kept me going
with this "almost-perfect-on-the-surface" job
it is just to bad that
I couldn't be their reason to stay
long and perhaps rot with me in this
crazy passion for coffee and its
darn history

of all the things
that I've experienced today
and the past few weeks, months and days
everything has been falling apart

friends come and go
like the breeze that chooses to come
only through it's bidding
mostly friends who are forced
to choose their own destiny
and find themselves some freedom
at last, the lucky buggers

the heartache
to where he must go
and I cannot follow, and sulking
by my own person just to feel sane enough
to live through another day of agony
and more heartache

i want to feel
hopeful and faithful
but yet, i feel more slut-tatious
and end up being a bad person
Go figure!!

Times sure have changed for most people.

The things that were once good and pure in the past,

have turned dull and less exciting than the present.

I've come to realize that coming out

and being honest in a way that it does have its advantages.

The secretive mode has hit one on the head

and you'd wake up to smell the sunshine once again.

It is difficult to look in the eye of the friend who thought it was a good idea to rat out on his peers. At lost of words, sitting there.

Change,

how do we change a leopard's spots? The thing that eats us whole and leaves us boneless to the extent that we do cover up the remnants somewhere, where it is impossible to find. Then again, if just one scientist, A scientist...were to discover that a particular leopard actually changed it's spots the moment it hits 4 years of age and that would be the discovery for mankind. It would even mean the possibility for man to change his ways, to the better. FIN

i dislike this kind of life. its the one particularly the one i'm living in right now. this is the call of the frail & tired heart that has been trying her best to live up to the standards of the store, and yet fails miserably when all things don't go to plan. the most obvious part is that the people once near & far have decided to hit the road to a better future, or part of it is also hidden under a veil. month, after month, AFTER MONTH, the same ole shitty standards to uphold and yet you can still find me there at the store, minding my own business & hoping that i can scrape through this day without any hassle. just yesterday, the news about the only District Coffee Master has decided to tender her resignation, effective 15th April, 2010. i'm pretty much sure that the weight will fall on either of the other long time Store Coffee Masters as there is no other person holding that same title. the tragedy when the pig-headed people way...on the other side of the peninsular is going to be pretty much upset because no one would stand up for the challenge, let alone hold that title. ahh...the negativity that is flooding the very core of my brain and i am slowly draining out from all the extra work here and there. the darkest lies that react in my head and my heart is going to spread to the rest of my organs. then soon, the person you used to know is no longer there.

:: Easter Memoirs ::

\(^v^)/

Easter Egg Hunting

Pin the Rabbit's Bobby Tail

Egg Painting Contest

Chicken Easter Dance

and most of all...

CHRIST HAS RISEN!!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!

The highlight of my life...soul mate, toy, a visionary tool to the world outside the reality that hovers over us. Yes, this is "my precious" that has been man-handled to perfection...and now has recovered from a ribbon technical problem. *Whew* Thanks to Toots and Kojak for a speedy recovery. You guys RAWK!!! Now, I am no longer insane with all the nonsense of guessing who is text msging me from the ole' Nokia 6600. Hahhaha...the sadness but it did save me for a good two months. This baybee has been taking awesome pictures you just can't imagine:: Check out "Boonchie's Sprinkles" on blogspot.com

Anyhoots, its back with the In...just in time for Luna's birthday...yipee!!!! Upload, upload and UPLOAD SOME MORE PICTURES!!!

JA MATA NE, TOMODACHI NE!!

Finally it rained on the 23rd March 2010, at around 20:00pm.

When it poured down, and the droplets of rain fell on the tin roof..it almost had a tinkling sound of tiny bells.

How great it was, that perhaps God had cried just a little, as it is now Lent, and perhaps people are sinning more than ever during this time of year.

The chance to have a change of heart and perception of people can have some side effects to the membrane.

The fewer steps we take in meeting a friend, is much more fewer with the text messages sent in a minute.

Even to stumble on a person's profile on a well-diverse free community connection online, can make you wake up just to smell the flowers and to tell you that it is okay to dream just a little: to hope for the best in others.

There has been this crummy feeling that

has been hovering on my head for a few days.

Perhaps as the days get shorter

and it is almost time that I have to face him again,

once more and act like that nothing

happened.

Which is hard to contain, even for myself as this

is really over rated where one Seriously

should just get over the fool and move on.

REALLY!!!

Then again, there is that heartache that

one may feel overcoming the mind and soul

all at the same time and

perhaps it is a good time to see

whether one is tough enough to move on with this life.

Whatever the consequences,

I will hold my head up,

just a little higher

so as those crummy feelings

won't get in the way of this

runny tears...

So desu ne...JA MATA NE!!!!!

Didn't quite imagine it that life could leave you breathless and at the same time, wasting your lungs to something sinful. Its been a long ride, a real far off road to a place where I'm still trying to find myself and perhaps, still waiting for the others to be more supportive. There is no returning to the place where you once felt all that fun and cheery moments. It comes visible and until one is able to grasp hold of it and cherish it, then you know it will be somewhere embedded in your mind and soul. Standing on the edge is where you can see the whole scene clearly-- People ready to settle down, or pretty much worried that they "don't" and the clock is ticking quickly. Fear creeps in slowly to weaken the heart and mind. This is when most people would tremble not in the open, but rather in the room where the door is shut, the fan blowing, and the curtains swaying. The things that are planned out, we try and try to push forward the things we have yet to complete. Walking around aimlessly, hitting hard and then, dazzled for a moment just to gain back the strength to realize where the pain really was. Had real good talk with Pops this morning, and just chatting away bout how a job turn out to be a good choice, when others choose to leave. Pops said that each time he went to work back in the old days, it wasn't so much about working, but rather the excitement to look forward to be there and just be involved. Yes, that was and on some days still "is" how I feel towards my job. The good days and the crappy days but all is well when you're involved. *sigh* There is still more to this life that I want to see.... JAPAN 2017.....hahhahahha...Pops said it'll be the end of the world by 2012..hahha, the tragedy!!

I didn't mean to have it this way.

I always thought that it would get better

and perhaps in the long run I would finally be happy.

Somehow, as the days past by so swiftly,

I forget the minor details and

the big picture turns out to look a little dim

and also ugly.

It gets sickening that I am still stuck here

and I know I have ask God countless times

to bless me and yet,

here I am pondering on the things that could have

turned out a little more prettier.

That did not happen I guess.

Am I at fault to say that we get what we deserve?

To say the things such as what you do on to others,

they will do the same to you?

I am exhausted to keep up

and still the end of that crossroads,

I stumble and still pick myself up

though tired and thirsting for knowledge.

Mentally,

this is what it appears in the real world.

Trodden and wasting those breaths

although a little satisfactory

but it seems endless.

The friends that can never be replaced ~ One Borneo Team

(left to right back row: Kip (KKIA), Dotts, Bob, Zanan, Rudy, Kumar, Verna)

left to right front row: William, Idiani, Ahmad, MOI, Amy, Fiza, Yeb)

Ahmad, Alexis, Bob, Dewi, Rudy and Amy (front)

The managers who were pretty much involved in the HOO HAAs of One Borneo

* Amy, Zanan, Fiza, Moi, Verna *

(duration time spent: July 2009 ~ January 2010)

Celebrating our sucess as a team for the achieved ADT in Starbucks Coffee,

a good 400 + 300 bucks to spend and on top of that as well,

celebrating Zanan's *surprise* Bufday

*Sigh* A moment to remember for a long time....I mish you fools...hahahaha :D

So cheers to good friends, for the good and also not so good times.

The blessings and hardship we receive as a team,

As we go on, we'll remember

all the times we had together...

And as our lives change, from whatever

We will still be Friends Forever..

I love you all, my dearest of dearest friends....One Borneo Team *sniffles*

Its the simple words that has the mind
fragments messed up and
perhaps has made one dillusional
on the petty things we want
from each other.
Yes, we tend to say things when
we're waiting
and waiting,
and waiting some more.
Still we get this
dead silence for waiting that long.
*.............................................................................................*
The person at fault never admits
what one has to say,
sadness that I
too am speechless on what
I have to say.
Rather, I let the other
hold on to the hope too long
and one has grown tired
of my foolish antics
and words.
I rather one to move on,
and whatever the feeling of regret
be put aside and
just us to remain as comrades in this lifetime.
After all,
the words not displayed clearly
can lead to further assumptions.
So to not waste anymore
time of men,
let us be off with this
accusations and move on with life.
Even if you're ready
to move on and say your last goodbyes..
I will still be waiting
with open arms,
my deah, deah, friend.


Till next time, Ja mata ne!!

*chargers to whip up a fluffy cream-o. Artist inspired by Yebster, Will-I-am and Boonch (^^,) *

Never Knew I Needed ~ Ne Yo

(Ooh) For the way you changed my plans For being the perfect distraction For the way you took me I knew that I had, everything that I wanted to have You made me see there was something missing (Oh yeah Oh) For the ending of my first begin Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah oh And, for the rare and unexpected friend Oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh For the way you're something that I would never choose But at the same time something I don't wanna loose I don't ever wanna be without her again Chorus: You're the best thing I never knew I needed So, when you walked in, I had no idea You're the best thing I never knew I needed See now it's so clear I need you here (Oh yeah) My accidental happily ever after (Woah) The way you smile now you've gone for me With your laughter I must admit you weren't a part of "My Book" But, now if you open it up and take a look You're the beginning and the end of every chapter (Ooh) Chorus: You're the best thing I never knew I needed So when you walked in I had no idea You're the best thing I never knew I needed See, now it's so clear (its so clear) I need you here (Ooh) Who knew that I could be? (Who knew that I could be?) So unexpectedly (so unexpectedly) Undesierabley happy. Oh so with you Right here right here next to me! Chorus: You're the best thing I never knew I needed (Woah) So when you walked in, I had no idea You're the best thing I never knew I needed (I needed, woah) See now it's so clear, I need you here always Now it's so clear, I need you here always!

Skittles....red, yellow, green, orange.... Skittles....red for a make up flavour.... Skittles....yellow for the sunshine........ Skittles....green for that sour apple..... Skittles....orange is seriously juicy....... So take your pick before its too late.

It is late...almost 11pm and Im getting the best news that I've been waiting for almost 2 years now. Sadly that it could have worked out but to accept the other's feelings towards something that was more priceless to be sold, the comfort you gave is enough for me now. The feelings that was felt, rendered in the hearts of you and me...a feeling, only felt for a sweet moment that could describe as the most precious thing for me to hold close. It really is alright that we have closed one door and opened another, just to feel a little sane. Yes it was unbearable to wear, and we were going round in circles with this thing we called love, but hardly spoke of it to each other. Then when finally, today the words came out, clear as day. At last we admitted that it was the feeling that kept us from conveying the truth to each other, perhaps a little too late and your heart is closed. Teary eyed? Maybe just a little, on the way to pick you up to go investigate Sherlock Holmes..hahaha, that was laugh. Thumbs up to that movie, clearly planned out properly. I wish I had skittles to munch on....I had a good night out with you. Thank you darls....

Drops of rain is gorgeous for anyone to observe and to breathe in. It doesn't require any skill to take a perfect shot nor a perfect spot to paint a picture. I am reminded of the times when everything was beautiful and the air was sweet to inhale, a friend you could embrace so dearly. See her eyes, weary and cold. Hold his hand, rough from all the hard work done. Watch her breathe, delicate enough to hear the warmth in her voice. Feel his heart, pounding like a rock on hard surface. The many things that when we finally step in the rain, and to close ones' eyes, to stretch her hairs wide open and let the rain fall on her pale skin, her face, her hair. He stands there, watching with a wonderous gaze, he is calm and collected. Hands touch, and soon, both are embracing to the music of the rain. Bare feet on the ground, the chill that runs up the spine, we are almost there. We are almost there where we want to be and with your permission, securely hold my hand so I won't fall.

There are many things that people would want to run away from. The many things could lead to disaster, sometimes happiness, and also would end up in nothingness. My friends are moving on with their lives. Many because of being threaten of their position. Others have moved on because of their love ones. Most of them, because of their friends. Its funny how things work out. The moment when I claim that I would get away from this forsaken company, perhaps has made it a worst state in this environment, making it the start of every problem, and soon everyone has set their minds to leave from this line of work. Its the part where I have this quezy guilt in my gut for starting it all. Is it entirely his fault that we're leaving just to make him feel at his worst?? I'm staying on till I get a better opportunity. I may not be at my best conduct nor do I like any of his antics that he does, but he is afterall human. It saddens me that my former boss is leaving. By the 1st week of February, the ones that were close to me, will leave like the mists that stays in the air until the sun shines through and the mists thins, will fade out. Just like this passion to stay on, will fade out. So desu ne...nani??

To understand what it feels to be left out in the rain
and to be taken in, to realize
that all that we know in this life is to simply trust
and not to splurge on things we want
but rather on what we need.

We fail miserably when we blow out all the candles
and risk stumbling aimlessly,
falling at most times,
with dirty hands and torn clothes.

Then when its time to wake up
to smell the freedom that lingers in the air
for that one person
to simply reach out
and grasp hold onto it...
it would definitely be a day
that I would want to be
the one to do that.

Because "saving" is what I need

How do I get there?? To the place where everyone can see that I am trying to be a new leaf, trying to have a change of heart *Sigh* Yes the suffering will come beckoning on my door and it will never stop hammering till I open that door just to get a slap on the face to WAKE UP YEN!! I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want this post anymore. It is selfish of me as I pray for this from God and this is what he gets in return from me, a selfish fool. A deceiving mind and perhaps a heartless foe. How did I evolve to this kind of person? How did I fall so far back and still stumble further in this big black hole that I forever fear that I will not be able to climb out...just waiting for the rain to pour down to drown me in my depression of unsatisfation with myself...the whole of me, whether spiritually, physically, mentally. Ahh...this what you call the ramblings of an insane person, just typing the lameness in her life.

I really couldn't wait to get out of my own country and actually welcome peninsular as my escape from the reality world. To be away from the hectic schedule, away from people that I spend 24/7 with, to be away entirely from the headache and heartache that has been eating me up slowly for the past 3 years. Yes, finally I could get away and breathe little by little intake of oxygen and just be on HOLS with the fams. Brader couldn't make it with us this trip and that's okay. Actually, missed the flight by ONE freaking day, due to sistah's hiccup and busy schedule. A loss on RM502 just madly and desperately wanting to escape this place, even if it were just for 5 days. The thing is, it will appear that I do not want to continue on this journey of self- discovery because after all, it came to a conclusion that this is not the kind of life that I want to look up to for the rest of my life. "Spark" has been doing most my work load and I am grateful for that. "Deah" couldn't care less on the things that are vital just because I have a shitless attitude at the mo. I mean seriously, Spark has been the person who understands me and has been my mental support, to the extend that he's doing all for me...in order that I do not leave this forsaken company!! I got all teary-eyed just trying to console him while I'm here on vacation with my fams...but at the same time, I just want this nonscensical lifestyle to be OVER!! I mean, how can you as a person try to maintain all your partners to stay on, and yet the workload is unbearable that the GOOD ones want to leave? I'm not saying me for say. I'm saying that the system is getting way on top of one's head that one does not progress the way that she should be progressing! Its' insane to know that every little thing is been recorded and with the freaking variance countable for, makes the anxiety attacks more frequent than ever. It is something that one finally realizes that as one progresses further up in the company, it is no longer praise worthy of, rather the efforts done are all in vain, which includes trying to keep up with the freaking time frame and at the same time to allow another deadline to overcome the mind, which is equal to a person's mental state! This job is for the obsessed, the "Gung-Ho" people and for those who see this as a dead end to life's financial freedom. If a re-shufflement is to be made within this period, I welcome it very much but I will wash my hands clean to move on. The people that comes to mind will leave me at ease and soon, I will start over to the next chapter in life.




FIN..

There would be a day when I will look through the glass panels of the store and will not be able to imagine what they do behind closed doors. It would be the time when the slightlest problem that I will not be able to help any of my friends with. It will be the time when I can only reach the nearest is at that wooden door that separates all baristas from ex- partners. It will be the time when I will not be able to smile from the bar at the customer and say,"How was your day sir/ miss?" or even," I didn't catch your name just now. Are you from around here? How was your flight from your country?" It will be the time when I can finally be THE customer and get response from the baristas that will greet me within the 30 seconds time frame and call out the drinks within 3 minutes. It will be the time when I can finally relax in normal clothes and surf the net endlessly, provided the WIFI is in excellent mode. Then there would be sad and undenialble part where I will feel utterly regret on the deepest side of my heart that I left out of frustration and not satisfation. However, there would be a sense of freedom, a sure peaceful and huge relief that will flow through this aching bones. This patience is wearing me out, as I look forward to it more to get a break and not struggle to keep up with nonsensical trackings, cost saving of labour and products, no more perishable goods nor any more of wasting time on following up with people who have no intention to have a tie-in with you, rather that you would fade out, without any hesitation. It will be time when I can sit down, chillaxs and focus on the important details to why people would love to work in this line and yet complain that it doesn't pay enough. Some to the extend to saying that it's like going back to school, and going through learning again and perhaps is troublesome for them. Learning process is good but to get to the top where you have to impress the people who don't care two hoots to what you're trying to achieve and rather focus more on your faults, then by all means, this means this kind of profession is not for the either one of us. The yearning to just be at the bar, to perfect that handcrafted beverage or even to get that yummy sandwich for only RM11.90 before tax in your tummy is all there is to being a barista. This position to be a barista up to management level and making sure the customers keep their complains to themselves is all that the top bosses care in this line. To deliver the experience and have "measurable" results is utterly hard to swallow and yet, you can get a letter for not performing. "To quit is to be a loser at your own game" as what my friend has said to me and somehow, I answered that perhaps that is what I want to end up as...a person to lose to all the challenges that displays before me because I have had enough of all the ragging, endless nagging, and wanting to save one's ass from getting fried from the upper deck. Perhaps the opportunity lies better in the hands of those who are still loyal to this company. Is it ever different in other parts of the world? That you have to tell me yourself as I have yet to work where you are now. As of now, the whole main idea is to break free from this endless shifts and coming to work even on off days. This nonsensical routine will cease to exist and I will not have to look at another unapproved disgusted look from such person, ever.

So desu ne....JA!!

Tis the season to be Jolly...??


Hah...yah i will be jolly when I can scout for a new job and be done and over with this fantabulous company. There's a need to move on, after all it has been 3 years running and I am nowhere happy with this kind of life any more. Yah, the training benefits of travelling and learning, coaching and being a mentor of my own store...that is not my dream anymore. The longing to settle down, to get a beach house and drive a etty-bitty car is sufficient for me. The yearning to be in the Lime light once and for all with my siblings is all I can ask for. Having the parentals agreeing to it, and even my oldest sister, Nut2 supporting this very reason to leave Starbucks Coffee Malaysia is all I ever wished for.

So this is my new year's resolution: 1) Get an office job...office hours that is..hehe. 2) Get a night job as a contract singer. 3) Spending time and getting more close-nitted with my family & relatives. 4) To go for those random weddings and perhaps sadly to get a soul mate some where in that function. 5) To have all the time to myself, catching up on learning Japanese, art crafts, scrapbooking, etc.

Nut2 said the fams is praying that I end up with some Auzzie fellow, and although I am hoping for any guy to appear, I have decided that it perhaps is not my fate to be in a realtionship during this point of time. Why you might ask? First and foremost, I do not want to end up love-dovey and be floating on cloud 9 and get hurt again. Hahha...yah fear tends to creep up my skin everytime I allow myself to be lead on. The other part is, I do not look forward to hurting the person either, which in the end will make me have anxiety attacks and be more frustrated with such a person, and also disappointing myself in the end.

Back to my "wanting" to move on....

And so, im tired to try to make it in this company. It has been 3 years, 1 month and 8 days have I been trying to keep my cool in this line. So lets break it down...I want O-U-T!!!